What Now?

We're still struggling with why do we have this just kill yourself loop inside us? Despite that,
we keep going because what else can we do?

Acting Out Impulses(contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A key question has come up today. I don't have a death wish. I don't want to go on some rampage and kill everyone I see. Yet, that "just shut up and off yourself" thought is there.

Why? Is it one of my multiples? Is it because of endless abuse? Or, is it something else?

I'm not on any meds, and I don't want to go back on them. Also, admitting that the thought of suicide is there but not acting on it is important as well. I can't afford to go to a live therapist. Where then do I go?

It's really tough to try and find positive moments and to hang on to those. Much of the time it's fighting horrible flashbacks and feeling like, is anyone going to listen? We've had to get rid of a lot of triggering material over the past few months. If you can save something and make some money out of it, that's one thing. If not, just toss it.

Fight endless symptoms all day long. Then do everything else that you have to.

Where is this just kill yourself thought coming from? I have no desire to do it. However, I still don't know where it's coming from.

It's Hitting All at Once(Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Ever have the feeling that all of the trauma that you didn't ask for is hitting you all at once? You feel like you have to take things in ten second increments. How do you then get through the next ten? You try to keep your ph balanced so you don't go to an extreme either way and then feel totally depressed. However, it's still there.

It feels like all of the trauma is hitting us at once. Other than two live therapists that helped for a short time, literally almost no one else ever did. You have to fight thru the symptoms and keep your sense of balance. If you don't, you feel like an empty shell. You have no choice.

You try to balance this with everything else you have to do during the day. You also cry and fight to not black out when you pull up to an intersection and everybody seems like a threat. The guy next to us. Is he a psycho rapist that wants to go down on us and then kill us? You have to fight your way out of that and not feel trapped. Flashbacks come out of nowhere. You have to fight to not black out. Are you feeling like you're disappearing into another person? Do you feel like you have no sensation in parts of your body due to adrenalin surges? How do you cope with feeling bombarded with intuition?

Does anybody care?

A Down Day (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Kicking back today for a while as we watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals. Then, more to do for tomorrow.

There's lots of emptiness today. It's a mix of feelings of abandonment and depression. Fight lucid dreams and dissociating. Nobody's attacking us. Nobody's trying to go down on us and then kill us. You have to get anger out and try not to black out. We feel like we're this close to snapping. On the other hand, it has to come out.

Do you still have to screen everything? We do. It's like you're three steps ahead and see everything that's happening, and nobody else does. How do you deal with that?

Hot and Getting Hotter

Outside, sunny and 95F. Inside, trying to stay cool and cover more job leads. No caffeine today, which is a good sign. However, emptiness is still there. It's a nice day, yet you feel like the tiniest thing takes a huge amount of energy.

Why? In the morning, we sit and focus as we try to basically jumpstart our chi so we feel better thru the day. At times it takes forever to be able to do that and feel balanced. Even after we do that, many days we still feel empty.

We can't afford to go to a therapist right now. This means making do with other sources in the meantime. It also means trying to deal with emptiness and feeling abandoned.

How do you cope with this? Does this still paralyze you at times?

Screen Everything

Today, lots of errands, job hunting, and trying to stay cool. As we write this, it's about 85F. After we're done, good time for a cold shower.

As for other stuff, we still fight symptoms all day long. 99% of regular TV isn't safe to watch. We still screen everything. We still fight to get anger out and try to not black out. Do you feel like you're this close to snapping?

There's anger and frustration. We feel paralyzed and don't know what to do.

Do you still have nightmares?

How Do You Cope?

Time for some quiet after a long day. Fighting flashbacks, body memory and trying not to snap. We feel like we're about five steps ahead of everyone else. What will be said, the responses and the results after that.

You fight symptoms all day and then can barely move at night. You can't just sit back and do nothing, because that doesn't work. What else can you do?

The emptiness and feeling abandonded is still there. Does it ever go away?

How Much Can You Handle?

Sorry to be away for a while. It's been everything from finishing with the therapist to job leads and more.

Also, symptoms. Despair one minute, then anger. We still scream and fight to not snap or black out. Deal with that, and everything else in your day. How do you cope with that?

We're renewing the apt. lease, which means we're not homeless for a third time. We also try to keep in  mind that we have no control over what others say and do.

Do you still have sick lucid dreams? We do, and have to fight our way out of them.

Why do we still have this stuff? Because it's trapped trauma coming out. We can't afford to go to a new local therapist. One lead might work out. We see what happens.

In the meantime, we still screen everything. Do you have the feeling that you're about four steps ahead of the world? It's like anything you look at/read/listen to you know everything that will happen, and what all the responses will be. Why bother dealing with any of it?

We just want some sense of balance.

This is Healing

We're at home tonight. Lots to do before another week of jobhunting.

There's also lots of emptiness. Made a discovery that might help with some sense of balance. Everybody has their good and bad side. Maybe unintentionally for a long time we've been suppressing our bad side? We're not homicidal, racist, homophobic or wanting to attack everyone we see. Yet that anger is there. At times it feels like we're THIS CLOSE to snapping. You want to scream in a crowded place, but you don't. How do you deal with this and get out of there safely? It feels like we're being bombarded with sick twisted thoughts. Is it just one of my multiples, or just my bad side? I'm not sure.

There's anger and despair. A feeling of being abandoned and many not giving a shit about it. Just shut up and go away. You also need to get help. Just don't be around me. Do you have this at times from others?

Is anyone ever going to give us any reassuring contact at all?

We have no tolerance for stimulants. The tiniest amount means depression and other symptoms. How do you get around that in your diet? Any acidic drinks make us sick.

There are all signs of healing?

We're just trying to move ahead in the most positive way we can.

A Sense of Balance

Happy long holiday weekend (if you have it). If not, don't blame me.

Nice, sunny, and symptoms are still there. We still have to shock ourselves awake in the morning. If the sugar level is low, drinking some glucose sometimes helps to balance your system. However, we still have to fight to focus.

Other health stuff? Our tolerance for caffeine is gone. A tiny amount sets off depression, dissociating and other problems. We're going with our system is still healing after massive junk food abuse. Flashbacks and physical pain still happen. You pull up to some intersection and look around. Is everyone else a psycho rapist that wants to kill you? If necessary we still take a weapon hidden in our bag, just to feel safe.

You can't beat understanding of trauma into others. On the other hand, do you think we like pain and humiliation? Endless body pain and flashbacks? Feeling like you have to fight 24 hours a day to not black out? How about almost feeling like you have to cure yourself because no one else can be bothered to pay attention?

We just want a sense of balance.

A Very Angry and Violent Past Few Days

The last couple of days have been really tough. Lots of violent anger lashing out, along with flashbacks and other symptoms. We feel like we're THIS CLOSE at times to snapping. Attack the first person that gets in our way.

We're not psycotic
We're not homicidal
We have no desire to go around attacking people and then doing jail time

Why then do we still have all of this? One reason is because it's backed up and has to come out. We have better things to do than to have sick, twisted flashbacks all the time. On the other hand, we still have to have an escape plan in crowded places. If hypervigilance is a problem, how do we deal with it?

We just want a sense of balance.

It's Really Draining

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Had to get a new cell phone, and it's way cooler than the previous one. Now I can synch more automatically, which leaves more time for other stuff.

We're really struggling with maintaining our balance. Is it more changes in the diet, or something else?
Our tolerance for stimulants is still almost non-existant. When anger flashes happen, we feel like we're bouncing off the walls trying not to black out. You have to fight back, and you feel exhausted by the end of the day.

This week we finish with the current therapist. No new place to go yet. Part of the frustration at times is feeling like we almost have to cure ourselves. Will we always have symptoms hanging over us?

Deep breathe. Try to focus on things around you. Despair is still there. Emptiness at times is debilitating. I don't know what to tell my little kid at times. Despite that, we set boundaries and try to really stick to them.

When anger is really severe we feel like we're going to black out. Does this still happen to you?

Fighting to Get It Out

It's a mix of good and bad? Finally it feels like there are moments of some clarity. The other side is a lot of emptiness. You'er here and you know you have things to do. However, you feel totally empty.

Is it depression?

Is it your multiples re-intergrating?

Or, is it something else?

At times we feel paralyzed. We can barely go from the desk to the kitchen. How do we go from the front door to the car? The anger is still there. We feel like were going to snap. We feel like we're going to bounce off the walls. Deep breathing and other centering doesn't always work.

What do you do then?

We're really exhausted.

How has your week been? I was busy with job leads, appointments and other stuff. Now, time to catch up.

Symptoms are still there. However, one key that we're using is the connection between body chemistry and PTSD symptoms.

NOTE: Odds are you won't hear this from the corporate MSM, AMA or anyone else with a vested interest in making money off treating trauma survivors. However, this is something based on experience that we think is helpful. If you use any of this, we're not liable for anything that happens after that. This is just information that's helped us.

If you ph balance is acidic and not alkaline, this will make you more stressed out. If you have backed up trauma energy, this will magnify it and lead to worse symptoms.

What should you do?

Stay away from lots of acidic foods and drinks as much as possible (stuff with sugar, caffeine and other junk). Stimulants will raise your cortisol (stress hormone) level.
Try drinking lots of water with lemon juice added. Lemons are alkaline and a nice balance to the acidic stuff.

Are we saying never pig out and have fun? No. Just be aware of the effects of things on your system. We've NEVER heard anybody talk about this. We've also never seen any studies on this. Why? Who knows. So we decided to put out our own information.

A segment at a time as well. We're trying to have as many options as possible . Especially if it means having to move again to stop borrowing money. Yes it sucks to potentially be homeless again. On the other hand, we don't want to be a debt slave forever. This means lots of calls tomorrow to find another place, just in case.

Please link this everywhere you can (legitimate links only. Thanks).

No On Else Will Do It for You

Almost done for the night. First, a few thoughts.

We're still fighting hard to not dissociate. Imagine for a long time non-stop horrible dissociating. How do you fight that when you can't go to a regular therapist, and it feels like no one will help? You fight, you cry and you try to not black out. Emptiness is still there. It's like you're not sure what to do.

Can you trust anyone? We try to. However, it still means setting boundaries. At times it still means taking a weapon with you in your bag just in case. Because you have to fight back.

Do you have to fight to not get stuck in lucid dreams? We do.

Another part of this is trusting your intuition. We're not always right. However, our percentage is much better.

There's anger and frustration. We're not sure what to do. How do you go from your couch to the kitchen? How do you go from your front door to your car? On the other hand, you have to get it out in the most non-threatening way possible.

Protect yourself at all costs.

A Slightly Cloudy Monday

Lots of things to do and places to go to. A little cloudy, but nice. Why then do we feel so empty?

On an intuition level, this is facing up as best you can to how horrible trauma has been. I'm not a professional patient and have no masochistic streak. However, I do believe in trying to face stuff head on in the most non-threatening way possible.

Back to the job leads.

Set Boundaries

Time to catch up here and then out for lots of errands. Had a new job interview yesterday that went well. Dropped off a resume at another, and that means another interview next week. We feel like our visualization (we need jobs working in happy places that can pay our bills) is working. Call it whatever you want. We think of it as being proactive.

That doesn't mean however that symptoms aren't still there. Flashbacks happen, and lately when they do they're pretty severe. It's a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness and wondering, does anybody listen or care? Do you ever feel like you have to do everything yourself? Yes, you are responsible for what you say, do and your health. However, at times it's like do you have to take the x rays, do the examinations AND the surgery on yourself as well?

As far as triggering stuff, protect yourself at all costs. Unless it's for work, ask yourself do I really have to look at this? If you don't, choose to go the other direction and see what happens. You could actually save time, money and possibly your peace of mind. All at the same time.

Too Tired to Move?

As we cover more bases, we still have to fight to maintain some sense of balance. Triggering stuff is still everywhere. We still take a weapon with us or keep it closeby at home if we think it's necessary.

Another thing to deal with? Debilitating emptiness. Everyone we trust says the same thing. It has to come out. It's not "abnormal". On the other hand, what do you do when it feels like you can't literally go from your couch to your kitchen? We don't want to go back on meds because unless you have to, it's like putting a band aid on the problem. What's the point of that?

Anger still lashes out and we feel like we're going to snap. You have to fight back, though. You can't just sit and do nothing. Now, try and do that AND everything else you have to do. How do you move after a day like that?

Diverting Your Attention

Back to the job leads and more on a sunny day. The emptiness is still there. Despite that, we try to divert our attention in a good way to be able to cope better.

We're still trusting our intuiton about various triggering stuff. It's like you can predict who says what, when, how and what the responses will be. What's the point of watching/reading/listening to it? Save a lot of time and do other things.

Maybe the key idea for the day? Before you save the world, make sure you're safe first. Nobody else will do it for you.

How Do You Do This?

Another rough day with depression and emptiness. Another aspect of this? How do you deal with your bad side as you struggle with keeping a healthy balance?

We all have our bad sides and hopefully don't act all of that out. Basic Psychology tells you that we all have that. Now, if you also have trauma to deal with and it feels like everyone's trying to beat you down, how do you cope with the feeling of I'm gonna kill everyone of you f******g assholes? The pedophiles that raped us will never do jail time. The people that didn't help us will never do time as well. Despite that, how do you keep that balance?

You go into a crowded place, and your bad side is screaming all kinds of sick garbage. You're not psycotic, racist or homicidal. You have no desire to attack anyone. However, you try to maintain some sense of calm.

How do you deal with that and get the anger out that needs to come out?