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It's a mix of several things. It feels at times like there's some healing. At others, everything is magnified. We scream and fight to not literally snap as we try to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. Sometimes we don't know where we are. Is this real or is this a dream? Try sitting still for one minute and not having symptoms. No noise. Just focus on peace and quiet.

Focus on solid things in the room. A chain of numbers. Anything instead of emptiness.

I'm not a violent person. I don't want to kill anybody. Despite that, the anger, frustration and hyperawareness are there. Also a feeling of being segregated because of something that's not your fault.

What do we do?

Despair at times is still paralyzing. It takes enormous energy to not fall apart. Then you're too wiped out to do anything else. What other choice do we have?

The Emptiness is Still There

Last night we called a crisis line. We were feeling really empty and abandoned. Everything is triggering and has to be screened. At times we feel like everything is hitting all at once.

Today, it's more of the same. Everyone who we trust say it's trauma coming out. You're not crazy. You're not going to vanish and never come back. The thought is there though. Will I disappear and then my multiples will take over? It's been a long time since that happened. I'm just concerned. What if it happens again?

Fighting my stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really exhausting. You fight and scream so you don't black out. Then there's a temporary sense of relief. Then it starts again. At the end of the day we can barely move. At night, we scared to go to sleep.

There's still pain all over my body. You look for help, and nobody will come. Does anyone care?

You're not a freak. You're not weird.You're not going to kill anybody. However, you just can't sit back and do nothing.

We're still waiting to start temporary therapy. In the meantime, we have our crisis contact list just in case.

Everything has to be screened, because nothing is safe.

What Do We Do Now?

Everything's hitting at once. We're trying to stay balanced. There's paralyzing despair. Symptoms and a billion images all at once. Despair, frustration and more. How do you cope with this?

We fight to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. Finally there's some temporary relief. Then, you fight again. Do that all day and everything else.

Then what?

You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

There's fear at times of dying. Everything feels empty and cold. Is anyone listening or going to care? It's not a death wish in any way. It's a matter of fighting really hard to not disappear.

Deep breathing. Try to focus on positive breathing.

You exist. Yet you feel really empty. What do you do now?

Feel Free to Comment (Contains extremely graphic content posted for a reason. Read at your own risk)

Like lots of survivors, we're trying really hard to face it head on. Don't fall into the trap of screw therapy. All therapists are greedy, evil and worthless. We know that's not true. We also know that we're trying for balance. NOT perfection.

That being said, we need some help. These are some things that we're dealing with. We apologize in advance if this triggers anyone. We never try to intentionally trigger anyone. If this bothers you, stop now. If not, keep going and post any comments that could be helpful. Please, no spam. If you do it, we'll delete it. So don't even bother.

We fight suicidal lucid dreams. You feel like nobody listens and nobody cares. Ok, then there's no point in me being here? We have to fight not stabbing ourselves, feeling the pain and then the terror of wondering, are we alive or not?

We fight the psycho pedophile that wants to go down on us and then kill us. There's physical pain as we get fucked in the ass and want to scream but we can't. Nobody's going to listen, care or help us.

We're afraid to go to sleep. Will we be able to focus on something good? Or, will the psycho pedophile get in the way and say, fuck you. You don't deserve happiness?

If nobody reassures you with a hug or any physical contact, will this permenantly damage you in some way?

Sorry, we can't handle anymore. Thanks for reading.

Trying to Focus (Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Tonight, some TV and catching up on applications and other writing.

Lots of anger and fighting to get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. We scream and feel like we're going to snap. We fight to not black out. At night, we still keep a knife at the foot of our bed. You have to protect yourself, even if it is a lucid dream.

There's still lots of pain and despair. However, we can't just sit back and do nothing. This means lots of breaks and just listening to how you feel. No other noise. Just listen.

At times, there are terrifying lucid dreams. We don't want to off ourselves. There's also despair where you feel like nobody's listening.

We ask, does anyone care?

Do you feel cheated when you try to focus on something good? You think of an ex, and instead the psycho pedophile that raped you shows up instead. You have to fight your way out of lucid dreams. We still carry a knife in our car when we go out. You have to protect yourself. We thought about a gun. However, it's too expensive and odds are higher that you might off yourself with it.

We don't want to eaten alive by anger and frustration. How do you stop from beating the shit out of everyone you see (aside from the threat of jail time)? We try to keep in mind it's trauma coming out. We're not psycotic. It's trauma that needs to come out in a non-threatening way.

Do you feel like anyone listens to you?
Do you feel like anyone cares?
Has anyone ever tried to reassure you that it's not your fault?

We're not trying to torture ourselves in wanting to have something we never will. Instead, we just want a sense of balance.

Thanks for the support. We're now read in almost all 50 states and 35 countries.

Covering Lots of Bases

Stayed up really late last night filling out applications and doing some online research. Then today, just turn everything off and just chill. We're not available to save the world.

Th despair and emptiness are still there. We screen everything and at times just sit and look out the window. It's not to the point of offing ourselves. However, it's there and you can't just set it aside.

We're just trying to keep our balance. We also wonder at times, what effect does no reassurance from literally almost no one have on you?

Happy 2012

A late Happy New Year (is it ever too late to say that?). How was yours? We stayed in, partly due to PTSD symptoms. Some good news was watching fireworks out on the balcony. Then, just kicking back.

We heard today that the potential new therapist won't work out. This crisis center only works with battered women short-term. You can't deal with complex PTSD in two months and get anywhere. Which means keep going with our holistic routine and use our list of sources when necessary.

What's one of the hardest things to deal with? You try everything you can to stay grounded. Yet, on some days it doesn't work. Symptoms are horrible. You can't just give up. You don't want to hurt yourself.

What do you do?

At times we still scream and fight to not black out. Fight this all day long, do everything else and then you're too tired to move. On the other hand, what else can you do? On some days we don't know where we are. What's real and what isn't? You fight to focus and and not black out. This tells us that backed up trauma has really been that severe.

What do you do?