Violent Symptoms

Not sure why. But lately we've been having violent PTSD symptoms. Lots of anger, dissociating and flahsbacks.

Now, why? Is it because it's only trauma flooding out? Is it because our blood sugar level is messed up? Is it because one or more of my multiples is lashing out? I'm not sure.

Our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really rough to handle. It feels like there's a block and you have to fight and push to get anger out, or you'll black out. You do, and then you have to do again. It's like an endless loop. Do that and everything else that you have to do in the day. Then you're totally wiped out. On the other hand, you have to get it out.

Flashbacks are sick and horrible. You can't just go with your feelings. You have to fight back. It's also hard at times to find positive things that have happened. Many times when you do you then get hit with millions of images and other horrible stuff. At night, you're afraid to go to sleep. Will you wake up? Will one of your multiples take over instead? What will you do then?

Our key right now is balance. We still do our tai chi and meditation at night. That combination usually helps to feel a little more centered. At other times, we feel like we're going to snap.

Then again, trauma has to come out.

Scream and try to focus (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Still sticking to the holistic diet. Despite that, symptoms are still there. Physical pain is still there as well.

It's a wide range of things:
anal pain
scary flashbacks and lucid dreams
Fighting to get the anger out past the blocked fight-or-flight mechanism
The psycho pedophile trying to go down on you.
Screaming to be heard.

Despite that, my multiples, little kid and I all trust each other. You just can't go with your feelings. It doesn't work.

You have to fight back.

Just One Day with No Symptoms

Lots of cleaning up today. Also, we're really trying to stick to a holistic diet as possible. It really feels like too much acidic food, gluten and other stuff makes symptoms worse.

This means rethinking what used to be second nature. Now, what else can we eat or drink? If you're sensitive to this, does that mess up your ph balance and even neurons in your brain as well? Some studies say that gluten is tied to everything from ADHD to Tourette's and more. Soy can lead to the early onset of dementia and Parkinson's.

We just want some sense of balance. Just five minutes of being able to focus on something and not feel like we're being bombarded with tons of stimulus from other sources.

Can your system be that stressed out from trauma?

Post Thanksgiving

We still have some leftover turkey and other snacks in the kitchen. How long will they last? In a holiday weekend, you be the judge.

Still making changes in the diet. Soy is another thing that makes symptoms worse. Now that means:

No salt
No sugar
No caffeine
No soy
Basically no chemicals

Why is dissociating still a problem? Is it because the trauma is so severe that's the only defense mechanism? I can't think of anything else. It's really exhausting to fight all the time just to focus for at least five minutes.

We still feel empty at times. Despair is still there and we feel almost paralyzed. What do you do?

We'd like one day with no symptoms. Just like any other trauma survivor.

Holiday Balance

Here it is. The day before Thanksgiving. If you live in another part of the world, watch out for any Americans in your neighborhood. They'll eat and drink too much and talk endlessly about football and other stuff. Just smile, nod when necessary and they'll pick up the tab. Works practically every time.

Got some bad news two days ago. An attorney told us that because the statute of limitations has run out in our rape case, there's no way to file criminal or civil charges. This means that the psycho pedophiles who raped us (one's dead and the other one might be) and the parents who did nothing got off totally free. This means that the only thing left to do is to try and go back to a new therapist.

There's still anger and frustration. There's still a question of does anybody care (other than a therapist or a crisis line person). Also, protecting yourself at all costs.

The good news? A job interview yesterday that might lead to a second one at that particular place. We'll see.

Have a nice day.

Sunday Ideas

We're still getting assaulted with symptoms. One thing that's getting worse is at times not knowing where we are. We try to focus on solid things in the room or the area we're in. Tactile sensations to focus on instead of flashbacks. Is this a problem because for so long it feels like no one wants to come near us? No reassurances of any type? If I touch you than maybe I'll get raped too? It's ridiculous, but the thought is there.

Lots of deep breathing and trying to focus. Sick flashbacks and lucid dreams still come out of nowhere. Is it one of my multiples lashing out? Or, is it something else?

Maybe it's the terror is being abandoned and nobody caring.

Cover Lots of Ground

How much can you multitask? Cleaning, writing and lots more to come. Isn't a personal assistant supposed to do all this stuff?

We're trying some new sources to see if they can help us with symptoms and possibly getting victim compensation. How much and from where? We're not sure. Then again, there's always the possibility of missing that one step that could lead to it?

What's fair compensation for being robbed, laughed at and treated like dirt? You be the judge.