How Much Can You Handle?

Sorry to be away for a while. It's been everything from finishing with the therapist to job leads and more.

Also, symptoms. Despair one minute, then anger. We still scream and fight to not snap or black out. Deal with that, and everything else in your day. How do you cope with that?

We're renewing the apt. lease, which means we're not homeless for a third time. We also try to keep in  mind that we have no control over what others say and do.

Do you still have sick lucid dreams? We do, and have to fight our way out of them.

Why do we still have this stuff? Because it's trapped trauma coming out. We can't afford to go to a new local therapist. One lead might work out. We see what happens.

In the meantime, we still screen everything. Do you have the feeling that you're about four steps ahead of the world? It's like anything you look at/read/listen to you know everything that will happen, and what all the responses will be. Why bother dealing with any of it?

We just want some sense of balance.

This is Healing

We're at home tonight. Lots to do before another week of jobhunting.

There's also lots of emptiness. Made a discovery that might help with some sense of balance. Everybody has their good and bad side. Maybe unintentionally for a long time we've been suppressing our bad side? We're not homicidal, racist, homophobic or wanting to attack everyone we see. Yet that anger is there. At times it feels like we're THIS CLOSE to snapping. You want to scream in a crowded place, but you don't. How do you deal with this and get out of there safely? It feels like we're being bombarded with sick twisted thoughts. Is it just one of my multiples, or just my bad side? I'm not sure.

There's anger and despair. A feeling of being abandoned and many not giving a shit about it. Just shut up and go away. You also need to get help. Just don't be around me. Do you have this at times from others?

Is anyone ever going to give us any reassuring contact at all?

We have no tolerance for stimulants. The tiniest amount means depression and other symptoms. How do you get around that in your diet? Any acidic drinks make us sick.

There are all signs of healing?

We're just trying to move ahead in the most positive way we can.

A Sense of Balance

Happy long holiday weekend (if you have it). If not, don't blame me.

Nice, sunny, and symptoms are still there. We still have to shock ourselves awake in the morning. If the sugar level is low, drinking some glucose sometimes helps to balance your system. However, we still have to fight to focus.

Other health stuff? Our tolerance for caffeine is gone. A tiny amount sets off depression, dissociating and other problems. We're going with our system is still healing after massive junk food abuse. Flashbacks and physical pain still happen. You pull up to some intersection and look around. Is everyone else a psycho rapist that wants to kill you? If necessary we still take a weapon hidden in our bag, just to feel safe.

You can't beat understanding of trauma into others. On the other hand, do you think we like pain and humiliation? Endless body pain and flashbacks? Feeling like you have to fight 24 hours a day to not black out? How about almost feeling like you have to cure yourself because no one else can be bothered to pay attention?

We just want a sense of balance.

A Very Angry and Violent Past Few Days

The last couple of days have been really tough. Lots of violent anger lashing out, along with flashbacks and other symptoms. We feel like we're THIS CLOSE at times to snapping. Attack the first person that gets in our way.

We're not psycotic
We're not homicidal
We have no desire to go around attacking people and then doing jail time

Why then do we still have all of this? One reason is because it's backed up and has to come out. We have better things to do than to have sick, twisted flashbacks all the time. On the other hand, we still have to have an escape plan in crowded places. If hypervigilance is a problem, how do we deal with it?

We just want a sense of balance.

It's Really Draining

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Had to get a new cell phone, and it's way cooler than the previous one. Now I can synch more automatically, which leaves more time for other stuff.

We're really struggling with maintaining our balance. Is it more changes in the diet, or something else?
Our tolerance for stimulants is still almost non-existant. When anger flashes happen, we feel like we're bouncing off the walls trying not to black out. You have to fight back, and you feel exhausted by the end of the day.

This week we finish with the current therapist. No new place to go yet. Part of the frustration at times is feeling like we almost have to cure ourselves. Will we always have symptoms hanging over us?

Deep breathe. Try to focus on things around you. Despair is still there. Emptiness at times is debilitating. I don't know what to tell my little kid at times. Despite that, we set boundaries and try to really stick to them.

When anger is really severe we feel like we're going to black out. Does this still happen to you?

Fighting to Get It Out

It's a mix of good and bad? Finally it feels like there are moments of some clarity. The other side is a lot of emptiness. You'er here and you know you have things to do. However, you feel totally empty.

Is it depression?

Is it your multiples re-intergrating?

Or, is it something else?

At times we feel paralyzed. We can barely go from the desk to the kitchen. How do we go from the front door to the car? The anger is still there. We feel like were going to snap. We feel like we're going to bounce off the walls. Deep breathing and other centering doesn't always work.

What do you do then?

We're really exhausted.

How has your week been? I was busy with job leads, appointments and other stuff. Now, time to catch up.

Symptoms are still there. However, one key that we're using is the connection between body chemistry and PTSD symptoms.

NOTE: Odds are you won't hear this from the corporate MSM, AMA or anyone else with a vested interest in making money off treating trauma survivors. However, this is something based on experience that we think is helpful. If you use any of this, we're not liable for anything that happens after that. This is just information that's helped us.

If you ph balance is acidic and not alkaline, this will make you more stressed out. If you have backed up trauma energy, this will magnify it and lead to worse symptoms.

What should you do?

Stay away from lots of acidic foods and drinks as much as possible (stuff with sugar, caffeine and other junk). Stimulants will raise your cortisol (stress hormone) level.
Try drinking lots of water with lemon juice added. Lemons are alkaline and a nice balance to the acidic stuff.

Are we saying never pig out and have fun? No. Just be aware of the effects of things on your system. We've NEVER heard anybody talk about this. We've also never seen any studies on this. Why? Who knows. So we decided to put out our own information.

A segment at a time as well. We're trying to have as many options as possible . Especially if it means having to move again to stop borrowing money. Yes it sucks to potentially be homeless again. On the other hand, we don't want to be a debt slave forever. This means lots of calls tomorrow to find another place, just in case.

Please link this everywhere you can (legitimate links only. Thanks).