No On Else Will Do It for You

Almost done for the night. First, a few thoughts.

We're still fighting hard to not dissociate. Imagine for a long time non-stop horrible dissociating. How do you fight that when you can't go to a regular therapist, and it feels like no one will help? You fight, you cry and you try to not black out. Emptiness is still there. It's like you're not sure what to do.

Can you trust anyone? We try to. However, it still means setting boundaries. At times it still means taking a weapon with you in your bag just in case. Because you have to fight back.

Do you have to fight to not get stuck in lucid dreams? We do.

Another part of this is trusting your intuition. We're not always right. However, our percentage is much better.

There's anger and frustration. We're not sure what to do. How do you go from your couch to the kitchen? How do you go from your front door to your car? On the other hand, you have to get it out in the most non-threatening way possible.

Protect yourself at all costs.

A Slightly Cloudy Monday

Lots of things to do and places to go to. A little cloudy, but nice. Why then do we feel so empty?

On an intuition level, this is facing up as best you can to how horrible trauma has been. I'm not a professional patient and have no masochistic streak. However, I do believe in trying to face stuff head on in the most non-threatening way possible.

Back to the job leads.

Set Boundaries

Time to catch up here and then out for lots of errands. Had a new job interview yesterday that went well. Dropped off a resume at another, and that means another interview next week. We feel like our visualization (we need jobs working in happy places that can pay our bills) is working. Call it whatever you want. We think of it as being proactive.

That doesn't mean however that symptoms aren't still there. Flashbacks happen, and lately when they do they're pretty severe. It's a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness and wondering, does anybody listen or care? Do you ever feel like you have to do everything yourself? Yes, you are responsible for what you say, do and your health. However, at times it's like do you have to take the x rays, do the examinations AND the surgery on yourself as well?

As far as triggering stuff, protect yourself at all costs. Unless it's for work, ask yourself do I really have to look at this? If you don't, choose to go the other direction and see what happens. You could actually save time, money and possibly your peace of mind. All at the same time.

Too Tired to Move?

As we cover more bases, we still have to fight to maintain some sense of balance. Triggering stuff is still everywhere. We still take a weapon with us or keep it closeby at home if we think it's necessary.

Another thing to deal with? Debilitating emptiness. Everyone we trust says the same thing. It has to come out. It's not "abnormal". On the other hand, what do you do when it feels like you can't literally go from your couch to your kitchen? We don't want to go back on meds because unless you have to, it's like putting a band aid on the problem. What's the point of that?

Anger still lashes out and we feel like we're going to snap. You have to fight back, though. You can't just sit and do nothing. Now, try and do that AND everything else you have to do. How do you move after a day like that?

Diverting Your Attention

Back to the job leads and more on a sunny day. The emptiness is still there. Despite that, we try to divert our attention in a good way to be able to cope better.

We're still trusting our intuiton about various triggering stuff. It's like you can predict who says what, when, how and what the responses will be. What's the point of watching/reading/listening to it? Save a lot of time and do other things.

Maybe the key idea for the day? Before you save the world, make sure you're safe first. Nobody else will do it for you.

How Do You Do This?

Another rough day with depression and emptiness. Another aspect of this? How do you deal with your bad side as you struggle with keeping a healthy balance?

We all have our bad sides and hopefully don't act all of that out. Basic Psychology tells you that we all have that. Now, if you also have trauma to deal with and it feels like everyone's trying to beat you down, how do you cope with the feeling of I'm gonna kill everyone of you f******g assholes? The pedophiles that raped us will never do jail time. The people that didn't help us will never do time as well. Despite that, how do you keep that balance?

You go into a crowded place, and your bad side is screaming all kinds of sick garbage. You're not psycotic, racist or homicidal. You have no desire to attack anyone. However, you try to maintain some sense of calm.

How do you deal with that and get the anger out that needs to come out?

Create Options

Right now, no noise. No triggering stuff. Just focus on writing.

We've stopped eating some former favorite foods. Why? Because they're too triggering. You feel empty and depressed (not to mention the acidic content which makes depression even worse). Why are we doing this? Think of all the money we'll save.

Other stuff are sources that we used to go to for information. Now, what's the point? We feel like we're three steps ahead (maybe we'll get our own global news show now)? We try to keep in mind that we're not responsible for saving the world. Pick your battles and do what you can. However, your protection comes first.

There's still emptiness and anger as well. Does the slightest amount of stimulants of any kind set off symptoms? Do we really have no tolerance anymore for this? On really bad days you feel like you're literally bouncing off the walls. Now, deal with that AND everything else you have to do in the day.

Do we have to always feel exhausted to finally have some relief from symptoms? Since trauma is trapped energy on a cellular level, is it like being hyperactive? This means no ritalin. Just burn it all off?

We're stuck for what to say next.

(PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT).

We still have to be careful in trying to find and hold onto positive things. Is not knowing where you are trapped energy as well (in various symptoms)? We think we have something. Then, some sick pedophile comes ut and wants to go down on us and then kill us. You have to fight your way out of it. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Otherwise, the pain (body memory, flashbacks and more) is to much to bear.

Another scary part of this is the feeling that nobody's there. You look around for help in literally every direction, and nobody's there. Is anyone going to come? Does anybody care at all? I try to reassure my multiples and little kid that I do.

Do you cry and then feel totally empty? How do you do deal with that?

Trust me. I have no desire to be a professional patient. I've always believed that trying to face this head on in the most non-threatening way possible is the right thing to do. Then again, at times you have those moments where you literally curl up on your couch and can't move.

Please link us legitimately every where you can. No spam links of any kind. We're almost in all 50 states. Now, almost up to 40 countries. Better than Goldman Sachs.

Fighting to Break Thru

We still have to fight to get our anger out at times. It's like you have to push and get it out, and hope that you won't black out in the process. If you do, what happens when you wake up and you have no idea where you are? It's been a long time since that's happened. However, at times we feel like we're going to literally snap in two.

You try deep breathing and all the other grounding techniques that we all know. Despite that, you still scream and fight to not fall apart. All of the sources that we trust say this isn't "abnormal". It's backed up trauma that has to come out. Then, you try to just keep your balance as best you can.

You try to go to sleep at night, and the fear at times is still there. Every sound is magnified. The knife is at the foot of the bed just in case. At times we still don't feel safe around some people that we know.

How do you cope with this? We just try to keep balance in mind. Not perfection. Just balance.

Be Very Cautious

Screen everything. There's lots of triggering stuff that you need to stay clear of.

Had another job interview today with a world famous firm that would kill to have the global publicity this blog could give them. Not today. Went well and we might get a second one. We'll see. In the meantime, cover all bases and create as many opportunities as possible.

As far as symptoms go, they're still there. Despite cutting way back to almost no refined sugar, dissociating is still there. Not the normal daydreaming type. But at times you have to fight to focus. Is that still second nature, or something else?

Cover your tracks as you post online. The tools are there. You just have to know where to look.