A Very Angry and Violent Past Few Days

The last couple of days have been really tough. Lots of violent anger lashing out, along with flashbacks and other symptoms. We feel like we're THIS CLOSE at times to snapping. Attack the first person that gets in our way.

We're not psycotic
We're not homicidal
We have no desire to go around attacking people and then doing jail time

Why then do we still have all of this? One reason is because it's backed up and has to come out. We have better things to do than to have sick, twisted flashbacks all the time. On the other hand, we still have to have an escape plan in crowded places. If hypervigilance is a problem, how do we deal with it?

We just want a sense of balance.

It's Really Draining

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Had to get a new cell phone, and it's way cooler than the previous one. Now I can synch more automatically, which leaves more time for other stuff.

We're really struggling with maintaining our balance. Is it more changes in the diet, or something else?
Our tolerance for stimulants is still almost non-existant. When anger flashes happen, we feel like we're bouncing off the walls trying not to black out. You have to fight back, and you feel exhausted by the end of the day.

This week we finish with the current therapist. No new place to go yet. Part of the frustration at times is feeling like we almost have to cure ourselves. Will we always have symptoms hanging over us?

Deep breathe. Try to focus on things around you. Despair is still there. Emptiness at times is debilitating. I don't know what to tell my little kid at times. Despite that, we set boundaries and try to really stick to them.

When anger is really severe we feel like we're going to black out. Does this still happen to you?

Fighting to Get It Out

It's a mix of good and bad? Finally it feels like there are moments of some clarity. The other side is a lot of emptiness. You'er here and you know you have things to do. However, you feel totally empty.

Is it depression?

Is it your multiples re-intergrating?

Or, is it something else?

At times we feel paralyzed. We can barely go from the desk to the kitchen. How do we go from the front door to the car? The anger is still there. We feel like were going to snap. We feel like we're going to bounce off the walls. Deep breathing and other centering doesn't always work.

What do you do then?

We're really exhausted.

How has your week been? I was busy with job leads, appointments and other stuff. Now, time to catch up.

Symptoms are still there. However, one key that we're using is the connection between body chemistry and PTSD symptoms.

NOTE: Odds are you won't hear this from the corporate MSM, AMA or anyone else with a vested interest in making money off treating trauma survivors. However, this is something based on experience that we think is helpful. If you use any of this, we're not liable for anything that happens after that. This is just information that's helped us.

If you ph balance is acidic and not alkaline, this will make you more stressed out. If you have backed up trauma energy, this will magnify it and lead to worse symptoms.

What should you do?

Stay away from lots of acidic foods and drinks as much as possible (stuff with sugar, caffeine and other junk). Stimulants will raise your cortisol (stress hormone) level.
Try drinking lots of water with lemon juice added. Lemons are alkaline and a nice balance to the acidic stuff.

Are we saying never pig out and have fun? No. Just be aware of the effects of things on your system. We've NEVER heard anybody talk about this. We've also never seen any studies on this. Why? Who knows. So we decided to put out our own information.

A segment at a time as well. We're trying to have as many options as possible . Especially if it means having to move again to stop borrowing money. Yes it sucks to potentially be homeless again. On the other hand, we don't want to be a debt slave forever. This means lots of calls tomorrow to find another place, just in case.

Please link this everywhere you can (legitimate links only. Thanks).

No On Else Will Do It for You

Almost done for the night. First, a few thoughts.

We're still fighting hard to not dissociate. Imagine for a long time non-stop horrible dissociating. How do you fight that when you can't go to a regular therapist, and it feels like no one will help? You fight, you cry and you try to not black out. Emptiness is still there. It's like you're not sure what to do.

Can you trust anyone? We try to. However, it still means setting boundaries. At times it still means taking a weapon with you in your bag just in case. Because you have to fight back.

Do you have to fight to not get stuck in lucid dreams? We do.

Another part of this is trusting your intuition. We're not always right. However, our percentage is much better.

There's anger and frustration. We're not sure what to do. How do you go from your couch to the kitchen? How do you go from your front door to your car? On the other hand, you have to get it out in the most non-threatening way possible.

Protect yourself at all costs.

A Slightly Cloudy Monday

Lots of things to do and places to go to. A little cloudy, but nice. Why then do we feel so empty?

On an intuition level, this is facing up as best you can to how horrible trauma has been. I'm not a professional patient and have no masochistic streak. However, I do believe in trying to face stuff head on in the most non-threatening way possible.

Back to the job leads.

Set Boundaries

Time to catch up here and then out for lots of errands. Had a new job interview yesterday that went well. Dropped off a resume at another, and that means another interview next week. We feel like our visualization (we need jobs working in happy places that can pay our bills) is working. Call it whatever you want. We think of it as being proactive.

That doesn't mean however that symptoms aren't still there. Flashbacks happen, and lately when they do they're pretty severe. It's a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness and wondering, does anybody listen or care? Do you ever feel like you have to do everything yourself? Yes, you are responsible for what you say, do and your health. However, at times it's like do you have to take the x rays, do the examinations AND the surgery on yourself as well?

As far as triggering stuff, protect yourself at all costs. Unless it's for work, ask yourself do I really have to look at this? If you don't, choose to go the other direction and see what happens. You could actually save time, money and possibly your peace of mind. All at the same time.