What Now?

We're still struggling with why do we have this just kill yourself loop inside us? Despite that,
we keep going because what else can we do?

Acting Out Impulses(contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A key question has come up today. I don't have a death wish. I don't want to go on some rampage and kill everyone I see. Yet, that "just shut up and off yourself" thought is there.

Why? Is it one of my multiples? Is it because of endless abuse? Or, is it something else?

I'm not on any meds, and I don't want to go back on them. Also, admitting that the thought of suicide is there but not acting on it is important as well. I can't afford to go to a live therapist. Where then do I go?

It's really tough to try and find positive moments and to hang on to those. Much of the time it's fighting horrible flashbacks and feeling like, is anyone going to listen? We've had to get rid of a lot of triggering material over the past few months. If you can save something and make some money out of it, that's one thing. If not, just toss it.

Fight endless symptoms all day long. Then do everything else that you have to.

Where is this just kill yourself thought coming from? I have no desire to do it. However, I still don't know where it's coming from.

It's Hitting All at Once(Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Ever have the feeling that all of the trauma that you didn't ask for is hitting you all at once? You feel like you have to take things in ten second increments. How do you then get through the next ten? You try to keep your ph balanced so you don't go to an extreme either way and then feel totally depressed. However, it's still there.

It feels like all of the trauma is hitting us at once. Other than two live therapists that helped for a short time, literally almost no one else ever did. You have to fight thru the symptoms and keep your sense of balance. If you don't, you feel like an empty shell. You have no choice.

You try to balance this with everything else you have to do during the day. You also cry and fight to not black out when you pull up to an intersection and everybody seems like a threat. The guy next to us. Is he a psycho rapist that wants to go down on us and then kill us? You have to fight your way out of that and not feel trapped. Flashbacks come out of nowhere. You have to fight to not black out. Are you feeling like you're disappearing into another person? Do you feel like you have no sensation in parts of your body due to adrenalin surges? How do you cope with feeling bombarded with intuition?

Does anybody care?

A Down Day (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Kicking back today for a while as we watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals. Then, more to do for tomorrow.

There's lots of emptiness today. It's a mix of feelings of abandonment and depression. Fight lucid dreams and dissociating. Nobody's attacking us. Nobody's trying to go down on us and then kill us. You have to get anger out and try not to black out. We feel like we're this close to snapping. On the other hand, it has to come out.

Do you still have to screen everything? We do. It's like you're three steps ahead and see everything that's happening, and nobody else does. How do you deal with that?

Hot and Getting Hotter

Outside, sunny and 95F. Inside, trying to stay cool and cover more job leads. No caffeine today, which is a good sign. However, emptiness is still there. It's a nice day, yet you feel like the tiniest thing takes a huge amount of energy.

Why? In the morning, we sit and focus as we try to basically jumpstart our chi so we feel better thru the day. At times it takes forever to be able to do that and feel balanced. Even after we do that, many days we still feel empty.

We can't afford to go to a therapist right now. This means making do with other sources in the meantime. It also means trying to deal with emptiness and feeling abandoned.

How do you cope with this? Does this still paralyze you at times?

Screen Everything

Today, lots of errands, job hunting, and trying to stay cool. As we write this, it's about 85F. After we're done, good time for a cold shower.

As for other stuff, we still fight symptoms all day long. 99% of regular TV isn't safe to watch. We still screen everything. We still fight to get anger out and try to not black out. Do you feel like you're this close to snapping?

There's anger and frustration. We feel paralyzed and don't know what to do.

Do you still have nightmares?

How Do You Cope?

Time for some quiet after a long day. Fighting flashbacks, body memory and trying not to snap. We feel like we're about five steps ahead of everyone else. What will be said, the responses and the results after that.

You fight symptoms all day and then can barely move at night. You can't just sit back and do nothing, because that doesn't work. What else can you do?

The emptiness and feeling abandonded is still there. Does it ever go away?

How Much Can You Handle?

Sorry to be away for a while. It's been everything from finishing with the therapist to job leads and more.

Also, symptoms. Despair one minute, then anger. We still scream and fight to not snap or black out. Deal with that, and everything else in your day. How do you cope with that?

We're renewing the apt. lease, which means we're not homeless for a third time. We also try to keep in  mind that we have no control over what others say and do.

Do you still have sick lucid dreams? We do, and have to fight our way out of them.

Why do we still have this stuff? Because it's trapped trauma coming out. We can't afford to go to a new local therapist. One lead might work out. We see what happens.

In the meantime, we still screen everything. Do you have the feeling that you're about four steps ahead of the world? It's like anything you look at/read/listen to you know everything that will happen, and what all the responses will be. Why bother dealing with any of it?

We just want some sense of balance.

This is Healing

We're at home tonight. Lots to do before another week of jobhunting.

There's also lots of emptiness. Made a discovery that might help with some sense of balance. Everybody has their good and bad side. Maybe unintentionally for a long time we've been suppressing our bad side? We're not homicidal, racist, homophobic or wanting to attack everyone we see. Yet that anger is there. At times it feels like we're THIS CLOSE to snapping. You want to scream in a crowded place, but you don't. How do you deal with this and get out of there safely? It feels like we're being bombarded with sick twisted thoughts. Is it just one of my multiples, or just my bad side? I'm not sure.

There's anger and despair. A feeling of being abandoned and many not giving a shit about it. Just shut up and go away. You also need to get help. Just don't be around me. Do you have this at times from others?

Is anyone ever going to give us any reassuring contact at all?

We have no tolerance for stimulants. The tiniest amount means depression and other symptoms. How do you get around that in your diet? Any acidic drinks make us sick.

There are all signs of healing?

We're just trying to move ahead in the most positive way we can.