Violent Symptoms

Not sure why. But lately we've been having violent PTSD symptoms. Lots of anger, dissociating and flahsbacks.

Now, why? Is it because it's only trauma flooding out? Is it because our blood sugar level is messed up? Is it because one or more of my multiples is lashing out? I'm not sure.

Our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really rough to handle. It feels like there's a block and you have to fight and push to get anger out, or you'll black out. You do, and then you have to do again. It's like an endless loop. Do that and everything else that you have to do in the day. Then you're totally wiped out. On the other hand, you have to get it out.

Flashbacks are sick and horrible. You can't just go with your feelings. You have to fight back. It's also hard at times to find positive things that have happened. Many times when you do you then get hit with millions of images and other horrible stuff. At night, you're afraid to go to sleep. Will you wake up? Will one of your multiples take over instead? What will you do then?

Our key right now is balance. We still do our tai chi and meditation at night. That combination usually helps to feel a little more centered. At other times, we feel like we're going to snap.

Then again, trauma has to come out.

Scream and try to focus (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Still sticking to the holistic diet. Despite that, symptoms are still there. Physical pain is still there as well.

It's a wide range of things:
anal pain
scary flashbacks and lucid dreams
Fighting to get the anger out past the blocked fight-or-flight mechanism
The psycho pedophile trying to go down on you.
Screaming to be heard.

Despite that, my multiples, little kid and I all trust each other. You just can't go with your feelings. It doesn't work.

You have to fight back.

Just One Day with No Symptoms

Lots of cleaning up today. Also, we're really trying to stick to a holistic diet as possible. It really feels like too much acidic food, gluten and other stuff makes symptoms worse.

This means rethinking what used to be second nature. Now, what else can we eat or drink? If you're sensitive to this, does that mess up your ph balance and even neurons in your brain as well? Some studies say that gluten is tied to everything from ADHD to Tourette's and more. Soy can lead to the early onset of dementia and Parkinson's.

We just want some sense of balance. Just five minutes of being able to focus on something and not feel like we're being bombarded with tons of stimulus from other sources.

Can your system be that stressed out from trauma?

Post Thanksgiving

We still have some leftover turkey and other snacks in the kitchen. How long will they last? In a holiday weekend, you be the judge.

Still making changes in the diet. Soy is another thing that makes symptoms worse. Now that means:

No salt
No sugar
No caffeine
No soy
Basically no chemicals

Why is dissociating still a problem? Is it because the trauma is so severe that's the only defense mechanism? I can't think of anything else. It's really exhausting to fight all the time just to focus for at least five minutes.

We still feel empty at times. Despair is still there and we feel almost paralyzed. What do you do?

We'd like one day with no symptoms. Just like any other trauma survivor.

Holiday Balance

Here it is. The day before Thanksgiving. If you live in another part of the world, watch out for any Americans in your neighborhood. They'll eat and drink too much and talk endlessly about football and other stuff. Just smile, nod when necessary and they'll pick up the tab. Works practically every time.

Got some bad news two days ago. An attorney told us that because the statute of limitations has run out in our rape case, there's no way to file criminal or civil charges. This means that the psycho pedophiles who raped us (one's dead and the other one might be) and the parents who did nothing got off totally free. This means that the only thing left to do is to try and go back to a new therapist.

There's still anger and frustration. There's still a question of does anybody care (other than a therapist or a crisis line person). Also, protecting yourself at all costs.

The good news? A job interview yesterday that might lead to a second one at that particular place. We'll see.

Have a nice day.

Sunday Ideas

We're still getting assaulted with symptoms. One thing that's getting worse is at times not knowing where we are. We try to focus on solid things in the room or the area we're in. Tactile sensations to focus on instead of flashbacks. Is this a problem because for so long it feels like no one wants to come near us? No reassurances of any type? If I touch you than maybe I'll get raped too? It's ridiculous, but the thought is there.

Lots of deep breathing and trying to focus. Sick flashbacks and lucid dreams still come out of nowhere. Is it one of my multiples lashing out? Or, is it something else?

Maybe it's the terror is being abandoned and nobody caring.

Cover Lots of Ground

How much can you multitask? Cleaning, writing and lots more to come. Isn't a personal assistant supposed to do all this stuff?

We're trying some new sources to see if they can help us with symptoms and possibly getting victim compensation. How much and from where? We're not sure. Then again, there's always the possibility of missing that one step that could lead to it?

What's fair compensation for being robbed, laughed at and treated like dirt? You be the judge.

It is Friday(Contains strong content. Read at your own risk)

More screaming and fighting to focus and not dissociate all the time. At times we feel like we're getting bombarded with nonstop flashbacks and lucid dreams. Physical pain still happens as well.

Another rough part is abandonment. The feeling of, does anyone care at all? You hear survivor's worst fears:

It's your fault
You fix it
Don't waste my time with this garbage
Go freak out somewhere else
And so on

We didn't ask for this. However, it's our responsibility? Ok. Then, you no longer have the right to use double standards. Please don't insult our intelligence by one minute saying you care. Then, piss off and go away.

You feel paralyzed and totally empty. What do you do?

We're Not Kidding. Screen Everything (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Staying in right now as we catch up on writing and defragging our hard drive. However, no TV this afternoon. There's literally nothing to watch. Bono's right. Not all, but a lot of Stateside TV is shit.

Why? One reason is because triggering stuff is rampant. Nobody seems to notice or to care. This means that for all trauma survivors, nobody will protect you. You have to do it yourself.

Screen everything. If you don't have to watch/read/listen to/buy it, don't. Do something else. It would be nice to be able to save the world. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Your protection comes first.

Our symptoms are still there. Physical pain is still a problem. Also, graphic lucid dreams. Anal pain, pain in your groin, severe pain in your penis. The psycho pedophile laughing as you scream. Nobody will hear you. I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed.

Time is frozen. You can't move. You want to kill them. But your body won't respond.

Will anybody listen or help?

How come nobody's there?

Does anybody care?

Trauma Survivors Deserve to Be Heard

Here it is, a really high stress level. Triggering stuff is everywhere. Please screen EVERYTHING to be safe. We won't list all of it here, because that wouldn't be helpful.

Instead, some points to keep in mind:

Regardless of the trauma, all survivors deserve to be heard.
It's not your fault.
PTSD is an emotional problem with lots of elements to it.
You're not a case file in some therapist's office. You're a human being that deserves respect.
What's more important? Listening to survivors? Or, protecting the rich and powerful who
"allegedly" knew about rape and did nothing?
Why do many people say "sexual abuse" and not rape? Would you ask a woman rape survivor
when were you sexually abused? Isn't that like saying when were you interrogated with enhanced
techniques?
Do the rich and powerful who protect pedophiles ever lose any sleep at night?
Why won't people listen to little kids and others who were raped?
Does PTSD ever completely go away?
What would someone else do if they were raped? Would they turn to you because you're an
"expert" on the subject?
You have to protect yourself at all costs.
Do the rich and powerful who protect pedophiles ever have nightmares about being raped?
Do they wake up in the middle of the night screaming and not knowing where they are?
If a little kid is raped and no one will listen or help, what are they supposed to do?
If you're not famous and you were raped by a pedophile, do you deserve to be heard?
Does the world care about trauma survivors? Or, do they just want you to shut up and go away?

Please pass this onto everyone that you think it will help. Also, everyone that you believe needs
to know what surviving trauma is really like.

Fighting for a Sense of Balance

How's your day? Here, it seems like there's some balance. We still have to fight symptoms. However, it's a feeling that you're on the right track.

Keep your p/h balance ok. The anger has to come out. It's not perfection. It's balance.

Back to covering bases.

How's Your Balance?

Finally time to kick back. Some writing to do tonight. Other than that, trying to keep our balance as best we can. At times, lots of anger and symptoms are still there. One part of the problem was eating some stuff that had gluten in it (and we didn't realize it). Gluten definately affects your seratonin level and can make your symptoms worse (in our opinion).

The other thing is a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. We still have to fight to get past that block and feel like we can get anger out and then have some sense of balance. Either that or black out. What happens then if we come to and we don't know where we are?

At times we just rock back and forth and look outside or watch something safe on TV. That and some limeade seems to help also.

Enjoy your extra hour as clocks go back one hour here. Hopefully the same in your part of the world.

Rough Night/Better Day

Not much sleep at all last night. It was like all of the trauma, anger, frustration and the rest of it hit all at once. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Will anybody EVER listen or care?

The other part of it? Maybe somehow inadvertantly we shut out our bad side. We all have our good and bad sides, and battle that every day. Maybe we shut that out which in turn made symptoms worse? Now, there's lots of backed up anger, frustratio and sick racist and other crap as well. I'd like to think I'm anything but a psycho racist whatever that's going to kill everybody I see. However, the anger is there.

The idea then is to recognize that it's there. As long as you know that's not you and you have no desire to act out on that in any way, then that's a healthy way of dealing with it.

Any suggestions?

Fight Thru It(Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A really scary morning. We felt like we were going to disappear. The anger, frustration and trauma is blocked. You feel like you have to fight thru a block (your stuck fight-or-flight mechanism), or you'll snap. The more you fight, the worse it gets.

Then, you feel almost like you're trapped. You in a maze and if you don't find your way out, you never will. Then, just as you feel like you'll black out you find an opening and fight your way back.

How often does this happen to you?

At times it feels like nonstop dissociating. It's like two parallel realities. You only want to focus on one thing and have some sense of relief. However, it keeps going. Is it because of a long time of nonstop dissociating (which means it's second nature)? Is it because your body chemistry is messed up? Or, is it due to something else?

You feel stuck and like you're an empty shell. Will anybody listen?

Now, it feels like we have some sense of balance again. At times though, we're still scared to go to sleep at night.

Fighting for Every Inch of Stability

Lots of errands and fighting symptoms along the way. Acidic stuff in your diet does make symptoms worse. It depletes your seratonin and maybe other things as well.

When you fight to not black out from flashbacks or physical pain, are you scared that maybe you will black out and never come back?