Almost done for the night. Today, lots of job leads to check and online applications. Still no sign of the personal assistant. Does that joke ever get old? In this economy, it's okay.
We feel like we really have to pay attention to our body chemistry. Stimulants mean lots of anger, dissociating and other symptoms. Be very aware of the effects of things on you.
We're also doing lots of visualizing. Call it whatever you want, but the idea is the same. Then, pay attention to your intuition. At times, we can't explain links as they happen. Are they all coincidences? We don't know. However, they're there.
Now, time for our meditation.
Since there's no instant cure for trauma, how do you deal with it? Break it down into small increments so it feels "manageable".
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Listen to Your Intuition
Just finished dinner after shopping and literally not being able to find anything without sugar. Our definition of sugar: 1 gram equals 3 small packets of sugar. Legally here in the States, you can say on your product this is "sugar free". Yet, look on the other side of the labeling and it says 2 grams. What exactly then is "sugar"?
On an intuiton level, we're staying away from all junk as much as possible (in every sense of the word). Had a new interview today, and hopefully more in the next week.
As it happens.
On an intuiton level, we're staying away from all junk as much as possible (in every sense of the word). Had a new interview today, and hopefully more in the next week.
As it happens.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Possibly Some New Balance?
It's a mix of stuff. Emptiness, despair. Also, at times more of a sense of balance.
Is it more re-intergration? We're not sure. However, we're covering as many bases as possible. The current therapist is helping. Tomorrow, another interview. Maybe two in the same day. We'll see.
Is it more re-intergration? We're not sure. However, we're covering as many bases as possible. The current therapist is helping. Tomorrow, another interview. Maybe two in the same day. We'll see.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Trying to Maintain A Balance
Another sunny and nice day (brought to you by global warming?). Just go out and enjoy it.
Depression is hard to handle right now. We're still juggling a lot of stuff (find the new work, cover all the bills, start o pay people back, go back to therapy and other things as well). You do what you have to to survive. Having said that, we're trying to keep a positive focus as best we can. Set boundaries and politely but firmly stand up for yourself when necessary.
The despair is still there at times. We just want to be able to go back to fulltime therapy and not have PTSD symptoms hanging over us forever. Is that too much to ask?
Depression is hard to handle right now. We're still juggling a lot of stuff (find the new work, cover all the bills, start o pay people back, go back to therapy and other things as well). You do what you have to to survive. Having said that, we're trying to keep a positive focus as best we can. Set boundaries and politely but firmly stand up for yourself when necessary.
The despair is still there at times. We just want to be able to go back to fulltime therapy and not have PTSD symptoms hanging over us forever. Is that too much to ask?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
More Emptiness
Lots of places to go and things to do. But also, lots of emptiness as well. Just try to stay focused.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Lots of Bases to Cover
A rough weekend in trying to deal with lots of anger and a long history of abuse. You fight to maintain some sense of balance and deal with trauma as best you can. Meanwhile, it feels like almost everywhere you turn, it's just abuse.
Now, it's find work but also protect your mental health as well. We'll see what happens.
Now, it's find work but also protect your mental health as well. We'll see what happens.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Sunny Yet Empty
It's a sunny day. Yet, we feel really empty. Flashbacks to violent scenes and abuse come out of nowhere. You feel like you need to get help in a crisis situation. You try to reach someone, at times you're essentially told, you deal with it. Why?
We don't have the funding to help everyone. Therefore, we can't talk to anyone outside of this area.
You have five minutes to explain your situation.
Your name and number are in a database to protect us from phone harassment. This is a serious crime. If you do this again, we'll report you to the police and you'll be prosecuted.
If you've been raped by someone, find out who it is, deal with it and move on.
All of these are real life examples that have happened to us.
For any mental health people who might be reading this, we're not saying all of you are evil and horrible. Not at all. We're just saying that maybe you should keep a few things in mind.
First, unless they work in the mental health field (or a non-profit), people who call you feel that they have a legitimate need for help. They don't know all of the daily politics that happen as you try to get and maintain funding from the govt. and other donors. They don't know all of the procedures that you use to evaluate, prioritize and then deal with calls.
Having said all that, there's no excuse for any of that. These people didn't ask to be abused, assaulted or God knows what else. Does it really help someone to say you figure it out and move on? How would you feel if you were raped and someone told that to you?
These people aren't calling you for therapy. If you're a therapist talking to people, they're not trying to rip you off for free therapy. They feel they need help. It's very disappointing when you get this reaction of you don't count. Do you know how many people we have to talk to? Is this person calling again? If that's how you really feel, then maybe you should find another place to volunteer or another line of work?
The next time someone calls you, try to show a little patience and read between the lines. That is why you're there.
We don't have the funding to help everyone. Therefore, we can't talk to anyone outside of this area.
You have five minutes to explain your situation.
Your name and number are in a database to protect us from phone harassment. This is a serious crime. If you do this again, we'll report you to the police and you'll be prosecuted.
If you've been raped by someone, find out who it is, deal with it and move on.
All of these are real life examples that have happened to us.
For any mental health people who might be reading this, we're not saying all of you are evil and horrible. Not at all. We're just saying that maybe you should keep a few things in mind.
First, unless they work in the mental health field (or a non-profit), people who call you feel that they have a legitimate need for help. They don't know all of the daily politics that happen as you try to get and maintain funding from the govt. and other donors. They don't know all of the procedures that you use to evaluate, prioritize and then deal with calls.
Having said all that, there's no excuse for any of that. These people didn't ask to be abused, assaulted or God knows what else. Does it really help someone to say you figure it out and move on? How would you feel if you were raped and someone told that to you?
These people aren't calling you for therapy. If you're a therapist talking to people, they're not trying to rip you off for free therapy. They feel they need help. It's very disappointing when you get this reaction of you don't count. Do you know how many people we have to talk to? Is this person calling again? If that's how you really feel, then maybe you should find another place to volunteer or another line of work?
The next time someone calls you, try to show a little patience and read between the lines. That is why you're there.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Fighting Depression
Another tough day of big bills and more. We're getting thru those. The parents say they're still willing to temporarily help with expenses as I get the new jobs. However, there's a struggle to maintain a sense of balance and not literally snap from anger and frustration. For much of the day we're screaming and fighting to keep a sense of balance. Flashbacks and other symptoms still happen.
Depression is still there as well. We'll NEVER go back on meds unless we have to. The last time we did that we ended up with two addictions, got no help for either one and then ended up doing our own 30-day withdrawl program. Would YOU want to go thu that? The last anti-depressant we were on made us feel like a zombie. The anger and symptoms are there. Despite that, just stay sedated? No thanks.
The full despair of trauma is hitting us hard. You have to face it as best you can. In the meantimes, my multiples, little kid and I rock back and forth and sometimes go out on the balcony to check the view.
It's not "abnormal". It's all part of healing.
Depression is still there as well. We'll NEVER go back on meds unless we have to. The last time we did that we ended up with two addictions, got no help for either one and then ended up doing our own 30-day withdrawl program. Would YOU want to go thu that? The last anti-depressant we were on made us feel like a zombie. The anger and symptoms are there. Despite that, just stay sedated? No thanks.
The full despair of trauma is hitting us hard. You have to face it as best you can. In the meantimes, my multiples, little kid and I rock back and forth and sometimes go out on the balcony to check the view.
It's not "abnormal". It's all part of healing.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Lots of Ups and Downs
Later today, a new session with the therapist. In the meantime, more applications and query emails and phone calls.
Depression is still there. However, we're just trying to keep in mind that it's not "abnormal" (whatever that means). It has to come out.
Depression is still there. However, we're just trying to keep in mind that it's not "abnormal" (whatever that means). It has to come out.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Latenight Thoughts
Staying up for a while to catch up on some writing. How's Monday looking in your part of the world?
We're really trying to maintain a sense of balance. Symptoms still happen all across the board, and are extremely exhausting to deal with. On the other hand, I've never had one mental health source that I trust say don't. At the moment, I can't afford to go to regular therapy. I am going to a temporary one (better than nothing). I'm doing all the holistic stuff I need to do to try and maintain my sense of balance. Yet, at the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.
One key to keep in mind? Unless you're someone's boss, you have no control over what they say or do. No one's forcing them to say horrible things about trauma that's not your fault. Therefore, they have to live with the consequences. Not you.
You have to fight that endless "you suck and other garbage" loop that a lot of trauma survivors get. Imagine fighting that every day. You can't sit back and do nothing because if you do, you'll fall apart. On top of that, almost no one will listen to you or take you seriously when you try to get help for PTSD.
We still have to fight to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's like a barrier that you have to fight to break thru to get anger out and then have some temporary sense of relief. Then, it starts all over again. Do that all day and everything else you have to do.
Nobody's going to give you any reassuring contact at all. Why? Are they afraid that they'll get raped if they touch you? Are you their worst nightmare and they just want you to shut up and go away? Or, is it something else?
If we're a vet, instantly we can get help in at least a dozen places. Since we're not, many say we don't know what to do with you. Please go away.
It's not your fault. You didn't ask to feel like you're fighting endless torture to have some sense of balance. Yet, this reaction.
Do all trauma survivors have to go thru this?
We're really trying to maintain a sense of balance. Symptoms still happen all across the board, and are extremely exhausting to deal with. On the other hand, I've never had one mental health source that I trust say don't. At the moment, I can't afford to go to regular therapy. I am going to a temporary one (better than nothing). I'm doing all the holistic stuff I need to do to try and maintain my sense of balance. Yet, at the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.
One key to keep in mind? Unless you're someone's boss, you have no control over what they say or do. No one's forcing them to say horrible things about trauma that's not your fault. Therefore, they have to live with the consequences. Not you.
You have to fight that endless "you suck and other garbage" loop that a lot of trauma survivors get. Imagine fighting that every day. You can't sit back and do nothing because if you do, you'll fall apart. On top of that, almost no one will listen to you or take you seriously when you try to get help for PTSD.
We still have to fight to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's like a barrier that you have to fight to break thru to get anger out and then have some temporary sense of relief. Then, it starts all over again. Do that all day and everything else you have to do.
Nobody's going to give you any reassuring contact at all. Why? Are they afraid that they'll get raped if they touch you? Are you their worst nightmare and they just want you to shut up and go away? Or, is it something else?
If we're a vet, instantly we can get help in at least a dozen places. Since we're not, many say we don't know what to do with you. Please go away.
It's not your fault. You didn't ask to feel like you're fighting endless torture to have some sense of balance. Yet, this reaction.
Do all trauma survivors have to go thru this?
Fighting to Get It All Out
Still overcast and some rain today. If you're at a sunny beach, we don't wanna hear it.
It's still exhausting to try and fight past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism to get anger and other stuff out. We can't just sit back and do nothing and then fall apart. It takes a lot of trying to stay focused and to hold onto something solid in the space you're in.
The other rough thing right now? Trying to deal with the full reality of how horrible trauma has been in our case. Also, how aside from one therapist (and a crisis line person when necessary), nobody else in person ever helped. Nobody. Which means it's tough at times to trust almost anybody.
How do we get past that? We don't know.
It's still exhausting to try and fight past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism to get anger and other stuff out. We can't just sit back and do nothing and then fall apart. It takes a lot of trying to stay focused and to hold onto something solid in the space you're in.
The other rough thing right now? Trying to deal with the full reality of how horrible trauma has been in our case. Also, how aside from one therapist (and a crisis line person when necessary), nobody else in person ever helped. Nobody. Which means it's tough at times to trust almost anybody.
How do we get past that? We don't know.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
The Tests are All Okay
Just finished a nice lunch after getting some medical tests done. Today, glucose and cholesterol. The good news? I'm perfectly normal. At first I thought that long term stress from battling symptoms might cause you to slip into Type 2 diabetes or some other condition. However, that's not the case.
That doesn't mean that symptoms still aren't there. Lately, violent flashbacks that can literally paralyze you out of fear. It's like you don't know what's real and what isn't. It takes a huge amount of energy to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. Then, do everything else you have to in the day.
We still have bad days with a sense of abandonment. I'm just trying to reassure my multiples and little kid that even if it seems like nobody else cares, I do. Why won't they touch us or acknowledge that we exist? I don't know. Does lack of reassurance long term damage someone? All the "experts" say it's totally subjective. There's no nice and neat catagory to explain this.
However, in our case we have to fight back. If we don't, we feel like we'll fall apart.
Maybe this will help with your trying to deal with your trauma. Keep in mind that you have no control over what others say or do. Also, they have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Nobody forces them to say or do horrible things to you. They choose to do that (for whatever reason). Therefore, just like everybody else (from Obama on down to your mail delivery person), they have to deal with that. Just keep your side of things clean and this will hopefully help you to maintain your balance.
Have a nce day.
That doesn't mean that symptoms still aren't there. Lately, violent flashbacks that can literally paralyze you out of fear. It's like you don't know what's real and what isn't. It takes a huge amount of energy to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. Then, do everything else you have to in the day.
We still have bad days with a sense of abandonment. I'm just trying to reassure my multiples and little kid that even if it seems like nobody else cares, I do. Why won't they touch us or acknowledge that we exist? I don't know. Does lack of reassurance long term damage someone? All the "experts" say it's totally subjective. There's no nice and neat catagory to explain this.
However, in our case we have to fight back. If we don't, we feel like we'll fall apart.
Maybe this will help with your trying to deal with your trauma. Keep in mind that you have no control over what others say or do. Also, they have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Nobody forces them to say or do horrible things to you. They choose to do that (for whatever reason). Therefore, just like everybody else (from Obama on down to your mail delivery person), they have to deal with that. Just keep your side of things clean and this will hopefully help you to maintain your balance.
Have a nce day.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Long Term Healing
Feeling really exhausted tonight. At times we barely have enough energy to move. We just want to be able to focus on quiet or just one thing without being bombarded with dissociating.
Did we really damage our system for so long with all the junk food and booze?
Did we really damage our system for so long with all the junk food and booze?
We Can't Handle Various Stuff
Listening online to some cool Net radio and catching up on job leads. How's your Tuesday/Wednesday?
When we're shopping, we're really trying to stay away from sugar and caffeine. In many ways, both are drugs because in our case, we used to have serious addictions to them. Now, no caffeine for amost a week, and practically no sugar. Can you live with no sugar at all? If we too much of either one, we have uncontrolled dissociating and other symptoms. One sign of how severe our PTSD was for so long.
Can you sit for one minute and focus on one thing without dissociating? At times we still have problems doing that.
When we're shopping, we're really trying to stay away from sugar and caffeine. In many ways, both are drugs because in our case, we used to have serious addictions to them. Now, no caffeine for amost a week, and practically no sugar. Can you live with no sugar at all? If we too much of either one, we have uncontrolled dissociating and other symptoms. One sign of how severe our PTSD was for so long.
Can you sit for one minute and focus on one thing without dissociating? At times we still have problems doing that.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
A Breakthrough? (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)
It's a mix of good and bad. After years and years of fighting to not fall apart, we finally feel like we have some sense of balance at times. We can actually focus for stretches at a time and not dissciate. This after a really long period of non stop, horrible dissociating and the other PTSD symptoms.
We still have to push really hard to feel like we can get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's still exhausting to try and deal with that and everything else. Despair is still there as well.
Also, anger. Aside from one therapist up until now (excluding the current one), NO ONE else has helped us. Not one person. Imagine fighting daily torture for years and having everyone you turn to say:
It's your fault
You fix it
I have no time or patience for this shit
What the fuck's wrong with you?
On top of that, they could care less what you think.
Can we trust anybody? Some believe that an innocent terrified little kid getting raped by a sick pedophile is "normal sexual experimentation". Many others never say, wait a minute! That's seriously fucked up!
Why not?
They don't care
They're too stupid to know that that's sick
They actually believe that pedophiles aren't so bad. So what's the big fucking deal?
There's anger, fear and frustration. At times, we're not sure of what to do or say. We stay at home so we don't go out and attack everyone we see.
Despite reaching this big breakthrough, most still have this "shut the fuck up and go away" attitude. You need to get help. Just don't act weird around me.
At least you're reading this. Thanks.
We still have to push really hard to feel like we can get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's still exhausting to try and deal with that and everything else. Despair is still there as well.
Also, anger. Aside from one therapist up until now (excluding the current one), NO ONE else has helped us. Not one person. Imagine fighting daily torture for years and having everyone you turn to say:
It's your fault
You fix it
I have no time or patience for this shit
What the fuck's wrong with you?
On top of that, they could care less what you think.
Can we trust anybody? Some believe that an innocent terrified little kid getting raped by a sick pedophile is "normal sexual experimentation". Many others never say, wait a minute! That's seriously fucked up!
Why not?
They don't care
They're too stupid to know that that's sick
They actually believe that pedophiles aren't so bad. So what's the big fucking deal?
There's anger, fear and frustration. At times, we're not sure of what to do or say. We stay at home so we don't go out and attack everyone we see.
Despite reaching this big breakthrough, most still have this "shut the fuck up and go away" attitude. You need to get help. Just don't act weird around me.
At least you're reading this. Thanks.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Screaming to Focus
A really rough Friday night. We were fighting to focus on what's around us and to not snap. It feels like you fight to get to a point of clarity, and then at times you feel like it's there. On the other hand, despair and other things as well are there.
Then again, it has to come out somehow. We're just really trying to keep a sense of balance.
Then again, it has to come out somehow. We're just really trying to keep a sense of balance.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday and Some Focus
It really is Friday. We caught up on our sleep for a change. Now, some focus at times thru the day.
The new therapist says that grief will probably be a lifelong thing. At times, we have days where we feel like we can't do anything. Anger is still there, and we feel like we're going to snap. We still have to set boundaries because nobody else will do it for us.
The other thing is doing stuff in tiny increments. How do we get thru the next fifteen seconds? My multiples have a lot to say right now. As we listen, at times it feels like there's balance. Nobody has a boom box next to you cranked up trying to destroy you with stimulus.
We just want some balance.
The new therapist says that grief will probably be a lifelong thing. At times, we have days where we feel like we can't do anything. Anger is still there, and we feel like we're going to snap. We still have to set boundaries because nobody else will do it for us.
The other thing is doing stuff in tiny increments. How do we get thru the next fifteen seconds? My multiples have a lot to say right now. As we listen, at times it feels like there's balance. Nobody has a boom box next to you cranked up trying to destroy you with stimulus.
We just want some balance.
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