Latenight Symptoms

Depression comes and goes. Emptiness and other symptoms are still there. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is also a problem. You scream and fight to focus.

If you black out, what happens when you come to?

Symptoms are Still There

Covering a lot of ground now with the cover letters and applications. It's also spend some time on networking and a study hour. Can't afford to go back to school right now? Do the next best thing.

Almost a week now with no caffeine. We really think that it raises your cortisol level and messes up your adrenal glands. This in turn makes symptoms worse. It's all in the balance.

The emptiness is still there. However, we just try to keep moving.

Take it in Tiny Segments

Lots of bases to cover in job hunting. Aside from that, lots of triggers to stay away from as well.

At various times, we just want to turn everything off and just sit. Listen to the wind blowing or people just walking by. The bad part is that flashbacks and lucid dreams happen (usually at the worst times). How do handle it when you're trying to focus and you feel like you're THIS CLOSE to snapping? You don't want to go off on others. You don't want to go on a rampage and then get the death penalty. Parts of society tell you that you need to get help. Then, the same people want nothing to do with you.

How do you cope with this?

It feels at times like the full terror of being raped hits you all at once. A billion images hit and nobody's there to listen, care or help in any way.

Do you still scream as you fight to not black out?

Do you feel like anybody cares?

Has anybody ever given you a reassuring hug? Other than our therapist, one person has ever done that. What effect does practically no physical contact or reassurance have on trauma survivors? We've never been able to find a study that really explains this. If you know or know of one, let us know.

Back to the cover letters.

How's Your Balance Today?

Catching up on more online before it's time for lots of errands. Some new job leads which means split your time between online apps and then showing up in person. That way you possibly stop some objections from the management.

We still have to fight to wake up and focus in the morning. The despair is still there as well. Which means one way to cope is to just try and stay focused on other things. It doesn't mean just bury the despair and your balance falls apart. Just try to cope overall.

Have a good day.

All in Tiny Segments

Fighting emptiness all day long. Some say set it aside and concentate on other stuff. Others say face it head on.

Flashbacks and physical pain still happen. Lately, it's been anal pain. The lucid dreams are usually some pedophile trying to go down on you or pin you in one spot. If you say anything, no one will believe you, and I'll kill you. So why fight?

No one's there to help you. All you hear from them is don't blame us. It's your fault, so you fix it.

Naturally, we fight back with whatever weapon we can. Then we have to fight our way back to some sense of balance. Now, do that about one hundred times a day and then everything else you have to do.

Not all but many want nothing to do with it. This isn't a "crisis". So please just shut up and go away. Leave this line open for people with "real" emergencies.

At times, offing ourselves comes to mind. However, we won't give them the satisfaction.

Still can't go to a new therapist due to money. The last free one we talked to probably thinks we're crazy. I told him about my multiples and little kid. Then it was the "you have 25 multiple personalities. Right......" response.

Did we ask for this? No. When was the last time you met someone who didn't judge you because you're a trauma survivor? We don't fit a nice neat catagory. Which usually means just go away.

Like it or not. All trauma survivors deserve to be heard.

No Noise. Just Focus.

No TV, no radio, nothing. Just drinking our tea and focusing on balance.

We're really trying to take things in small segments. Set aside the triggering stuff, and just deal with small bits and pieces. The hard part is that you try to do that and fight symptoms all day long. Like all trauma survivors, different things come to mind:

Am I always going to be stuck with this?
Does any therapist really know what they're talking about?
Have I been totally robbed of any happiness in my life because of something that's not my fault?

Odds are none of the above are true. However, that still doesn't mean that those concerns don't come to mind at various times.

At times there's lots of emptiness. Millions of flashbacks bombard us and sometimes we don't know where we are. You try deep breathing, holding onto solid things and other grounding techniques. Despite all of that, maybe that doesn't work. What do you do then?

More tea and then time for some meditation on the balcony.

Lots of Emptiness

After we finish this, time for a shower and to just sit there. Turn everything off and just try to get our balance back.

We're feeling really empty right now. it's like the full terror of being raped and having PTSD hits you all at once. It also feels like almost no one either wants to listen or can be trusted. We don't fit into a nice neat catagory (returning vet with PTSD who's entitled to the following list of services). Which means in many cases we don't know what to do with you. A guy rape survivor? What's that? And other strange situations.

Everything takes a tremendous amount of energy. We feel like we're fighting to not dissociate all day long. Then, we have everything else to do as well. Almost nothing is safe to listen to, read or watch.

At times, do you feel like you'll be scarred for life?
Do you like like the "mental illness" PTSD label will always be there?
Do you wonder if you'll ever have a symptom free day?

Late Night Stuff (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Even though it's late here, screen everything. A tough day today fighting dissociating. It's non-stop trying to focus and maintain your balance. He'll kill us.

A constant battle against physical pain of being raped. The psycho rapist wants to go down on you.  You f*****g kill him first or he'll kill us. No one's going to help us. Just "going with your feelings" means we'll snap and die. Do we really want to feel like a f*****g piece of meat again? Do we really want time to slow down and feel terrified that we can't move?

At times we feel like we're going to snap in two. We scream all day long and fight to not black out. How do you look cool and calm on the outside and not snap?

Triggers are everywhere. How do you protect yourself?

Fighting to Focus

Lots of triggering stuff is happening today. Be very careful and screen everything.

As for symptoms, we've been fighting dissociating all day. Do that and deal with everything else. At the end of the day, what do you do then?

The only thing we can do is fight back. We can also screen everything because at times it feels like nobody's listening or caring. That's out of our hands. Which means go somewhere else.

Screen everything and protect yourself. Because nobody else will.

How to Cope When Reaching Out for Help

All trauma survivors deal with different things. Histories, symptoms and healing rates. That being said, everyone's different as they deal with trying to get help at certain times. How do you do handle this when it feels like no one wants to listen to you?

Because of the lousy global economy (call it what it is. A depression), budget cuts continue to hit mental health support networks. This means one or all of these could happen.

A crisis line might tell you sorry, but we only can help people in our local area. For long term therapy, you need to see a therapist in your area. Some might have a problem with guy rape survivors and try to blow you off.

How do you cope with this when it happens? We understand that like other professionals, therapists don't like to be ripped off for free therapy. However, how do you define "support"? How do you define "getting help when necessary"? You feel like you have a crisis and need to get help. Just having someone listen can in many cases be a big help.

What happens if you try several places and nobody wants to listen? Where do you go then?

At various times, we try to link to sources that we feel will be helpful and not judgemental in any way. Beyond you clicking on a link, we have no control over what happens next. If you can suggest a link or have problems with one listed, let us know. Even with no personal assistant, we still manage to cover things.

Have a nice day.

Lots of Changes

Be patient as we continue to add new stuff here. Still no personal assistant. Which means we have to do everything. It's the economy.

Lots of anger and at times it's tough to focus. We're taking lots of breaks and almost everything is off. What's next?

How's Your Balance (Originally posted 6/27)

First, a nice cool bath to try and get our alkaline balance back. Now, if we can just stay away from the cookies.

How's your balance? We still feel empty at times and fight to take things in small segments. Almost all content these days is way too triggering. We screen everything and carefully pick our battles. Also, we still fight dissociating as well.

What's your worst symptom (if there is one)? For us, dissociating is still really exhausting. You fight to not black out and to cope with everything else you have to do. Anger is still there and also the terrifying feeling that you're going to snap. Horrible flashbacks happen and if you don't fight back you'll fall apart.

We've never found a better way to deal with this. But we have to keep going.

Almost Unpacked (Originally posted on 7/18)

Sorry to be offline for a while. But we're in a new place and almost unpacked. It's a downsized version of the last one. However, it's more comfortable and has a huge balcony. Overall, very nice.

Symptoms have also been rough to handle as well. Dissociating, flashbacks and some physical pain at times. You have to fight back so you don't snap. You also have to deal with everything else at the same time. This means driving and fighting not to black out. Crippling despair from feeling like the world could care less. What other choice do you have?

Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? Do you keep a weapon in the room to feel safe? We still do that at times. Even though the doors are locked, that doesn't matter. You have to protect yourself.

Does trauma still come flooding out? In our case it does. We don't know all of the underlying reasons. But it's there. We can't afford to go back to a therapist. Which means use other sources in the meantime for help.

Protect yourself at all costs.

You Have to Fight Back (Originally posted on 6/22)

Listening to game 2 of the NBA Finals online. We're saying Miami by 10.

We're also fighting dissociating and other symptoms. It feels like we have to fight to not vanish. If we don't, it feels like we'll fall apart and nobody will care.

When flashbacks happen, do you always know where you are? What grounds you?

Despair still happens. It's a feeling of abandonment. Will anyone ever show up for this? You look in every direction, but nobody ever comes.

It's a Global Thing (Originally posted on 6/22)

Welcome to our global PTSD blog. Thanks for the growing support and please spread the word about us. UNLESS it endangers your healing from trauma in some way.

More fun moving stuff and trying to cope with symptoms. The despair is there and at times we just turn everything off and sit and look out the window. We still censor everything because it needs to be.

We just try to keep in mind that it's not our fault. Set boundaries and do what's necessary to protect yourself.

Maintain Your Focus (Originally posted on 6/16)

Lots of bases to cover (car repairs, job hunting and more). Some good news. Refunds in a few places will help in the move.

The other? More of fighting symptoms and trying not to black out. The full terror of being raped still comes out (many times at the worst times). These days we alway take a weapon with us in our bag when we leave the house (right now, a knife). We looked into getting a gun. Then we thought, someone with PTSD having a gun? Not a good idea. On the other hand, you have to protect yourself. Even if it's a lucid dream, that doesn't matter. You have to fight back.

Despair at times is crippling. We turn everything off and just sit by the window in the living room. Or, we go out on the balcony and just sit and listen to the wind in the trees. We won't give them the satisfaction and off ourselves. But also, you have no control over other's bhavior (unless you're the boss). You then have to set boundaries and protect yourself. You're not obligated to just sit and be treated like s**t.

Keep Your Focus (Originally posted 6/5)

How's your weekend? Staying up late as we catch up on some writing and other stuff.

Dissociating is still a problem. Also hyperawareness, flashbacks and anger. How do you focus? How do you keep yours with everything happening in the world?

Part of it for us is screening everything and throwing out some junk that was really triggering. Deal with it in segments. If you can make some money out of it (who doesn't need extra money), great. If not, throw it out.

Another part of it is my multiples, little kid and I talk as much as possible. I don't always have the answer to all of their questions. However, that's ok. We reassure each other as much as possible.

Protect yourself at all costs.

Off for a While

Sorry to be offline. We've been busy with password databases and trying to avoid triggering stuff. It literally feels like other than baseball or football, there's nothing safe to watch anymore. Other than music, it's the same thing on radio.

Why is this happening? We're not sure. However, we follow the "be selective in fighting your battles" approach in activism. Your protection comes first. Not singlehandedly saving the world.

We're staying in tonight and the doors are locked. We have our lemonade and are trying to avoid a latenight snack. Aside from that, we still keep a knife in the room because we feel safer with it. Sick twisted lucid dreams and flashbacks happen. Physical pain from being raped still happens. Try fighting off some psycho that wants to go down on you and then stab you fifty times a day. Then, all the other things you have to do.

You don't have a choice but to fight back. Just "going with your feelings" doesn't work. If it helps you, great. It doesn't help us though.

Lots of people tell you you need to get help. Just don't be around me.

You scream and at times feel like you're going to snap. However, you have to get the anger out. How do you cope with that?

At times we feel empty and just turn everything off. Then we go sit out on our balcony and just listen to the quiet outside. You feel like you have to set boundaries because it's too much to handle.

Do you still feel bombarded by stimulus all the time? What helps you to stay centered? Feel free to post comments.

FAQ

Like the new header pic? We're trying to update here as much as possible. The new one is world class drummer Steve Gadd. Name a hit  and he's probably played on it.

For new readers here, thanks for the support. Now, some answers to frequently asked questions:

How many people in the States have some form of PTSD?- Roughly ten percent.

How many rape survivors are there and how do the numbers break down?- For little kids, two out of eight girls and one out of six boys are raped. For others, the percentage is still slightly higher women versus men. However, men survivors do exist. No one wants to admit that. But they're there.

Why do most people say "sexual abuse" and not rape?- One reason is legalese. Another reason is that the MSM thinks that it's somehow less shocking or upsetting. "Rape" is such a disturbing, scary word. We can't have that (especially at dinnertime). Much better to say sexual assault.

Now, tell that to a rape survivor. Not saying rape (in our opinion) is frankly insulting. If a woman got raped, would you somehow try to demean her in some way? It's not "rape". There's "rape" and then there's "rape rape". And other idiotic crap.

Does anyone not understand then why so many people (emphasis on people) who are raped don't come forward? Would YOU come forward and put up with this shit?

What do you do if others don't believe you or don't seem to care?- It's scary and sad when that happens. What we've found is that you're not responsible for them. They have to deal with the consequences of what they say and do. Not you or anyone else. What else can you do but protect yourself?

More soon.

It's All in the Balance

The late night snack tonight? Peanut butter and orange juice. Hopefully the protein will balance out with the sugar rush.

More emptiness at times throughout today. You know you have things to do. But it takes a huge amount of energy to do them. Everything still has to be screened. It seems like more and more sources that used to work for information can't be trusted anymore. What are you gonna do?

Fight because you don't have a choice. Just sitting back and "going with your feelings" doesn't work. If we don't fight back, we feel like we're going to snap.

Our tolerance for sugar is almost gone. In the morning, it's one glass of juice. Then, lots of water and green tea. Lemon juice mixed with the water seems to help balance the p/h levels. Also, it seems like nobody's ever examined this in a study. Hopefully we're not giving somebody an idea for a future bestseller by mentioning this.

Does your fight-or-flight mechanism get stuck? We still have to fight everyday to feel like we have some sense of balance? Then, you have to fight again.

Do lucid dreams and flashbacks happen? They still hit us (usually at the worst times). Many times it's some psycho rapist trying to pin us down. Going down on us as we scream to fight back and nobody listens and nobody cares. Then, you fight your way back to reality. After that, you have to fight again.

Have you ever blacked out and then come to and not know where you are? It's been a while since that's happened.

All we want is a sense of balance.

Lots to Talk About

How's the weekend (unless it's already Monday in your time zone)? Which makes this kind of a silly opening.
Lots of triggering stuff everywhere you look. What helps you to keep your balance?

For us, prioritizing is one key. What do you have to watch, read or listen to? Do you really have to read this, or not? This weekend it was literally like everything was triggering. There was no safe place to go (other than your favorite CD's). Have you found safer sources to help you keep up with the world?

Another key is sources that you trust. While we're all for trauma survivors getting help, be very cautious in where you go. Sounds obvious, but it's important for this reason. Unfortunately, not everybody is who they say they are. Even at some crisis centers or trauma forums online. We've had several nasty experiences with many who didn't want us around for no valid reason. A well-known trauma forum for rape survivors has two administrators who are pedophiles. For various reasons, we won't name them here. However, we checked this out with a source that we trust and they confirmed that yes, two pedophiles are in charge of this site.

Does this mean trust no one? No. It just means don't take anything at face value. Do your homework before you expose yourself to a potentially dangerous environment.

If we get into specific triggers, this will turn into yet another progressive political blog. There are more than enough of those as it is. We're really trying to stick to only trauma related issues to be as helpful as possible.

We still have to scream and fight to focus when we wake up. Dissociating is still there. Also, at times real emptiness. You exist and you know you have to keep moving forward. Yet, the tiniest things take enourmous amounts of energy. Which means at the end of the day what do you do then?

Latenight Comments

How's your week? Up late tonight and catching up on some writing.

Every day is a real battle. We have to scream and fight to focus when we wake up. Then, we drink some glucose to try and feel some sense of balance. If we eat too late the night before, you wake up feeling run down. What's the right balance? We're still looking for it.

Then, it's fight symptoms all day long. We finally finished our move from Windows XP to 7. Much faster and smoother transitions between windows. Now it's back to job hunting and the other  stuff.

We still keep a weapon with us to feel safe. If we go into many stores with no scanners at the entrance, we'll take it in because hyperawareness is still there. Every other person is a psycho rapist that wants to rape us in the aisle and then  kill us. Odds are that's not really true. Then again, you have to protect yourself.

Every day we feel like we're getting bombarded with flashbacks. Our intuition says it's trauma flooding out. Which also means get it out in the most non-threatening way possible.

We're at home. No one else is here and the doors are locked. Despite that, we have a knife in the room because we feel safer with that. When we try to go to sleep, we keep a knife at the foot of the bed. Again, to feel safe.

Do you ever pass out from fighting symptoms all day? What helps you to keep going? For us, it's the fact that we literally have no other choice. If you don't, you'll fall apart.

What else are we supposed to do?