Emptiness is Still There

Right now, lots of despair. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy to do. Split second flashbacks still happen. We still have to fight lucid dreams.

What else? Hypocracy seems to be everywhere. This means changing things and people around to protect yourself.  In one sense, this can save you lots of time and money which allows you more time and money to do other stuff. On the other hand, we still scream and have violent tremors as we fight to not black out.

If we did black out, would we come back? Or, would one of my multiples take over?

We try to focus on other stuff to try and maintain some sense of balance. Despite that, crippling despair is still there.

Today's FAQ's

It is Monday. Unless you're roughly east of Shanghai, which means it's Tuesday.

Why this silly opening? Because for anyone new here, this is (as far as we know) the only intl. trauma survivor blog written by a guy rape survivor who's not a vet and that's all for free. If you know of another one, send us the link.

In the meantime, this is a mix of holistic content that hopefully will help a wide range of trauma survivors , and not just guy rape survivors. Look thur the links as well to find what helps you. All of the crisis center links are to places that have PTSD trained staff. So that shouldn't be an issue. If you know of others that need to be added, let us know.

Who are we? Because of being raped by two pedophiles, I have 25 multiple personalities and my little kid. This is a perfectly normal way to survive horrible trauma. In my case, it was years of horrible and untreated PTSD symptoms which I'm now trying to face on as best I can.

I'm seeing lots of other sites talking about raising donations. Nothing's for free. Well actually they're wrong. Since the beginning, I've never charged anything for this content. I won't post Ad Sense ads because why make money off of trauma with ads that don't belong here? And I won't change this.

The only things I've ever asked in return are (a) spread this blog to everyone it can help UNLESS it hurts you in some way. (b) Your healing comes first. The urge to save the world is great. However, if you're not good shape first it's really tough to do.

Thanks to word-of-mouth advertising, we now have readers in almost all fifty states and over thirty countries. Think of us as the tiny blog for people that refuse to shut up. All trauma survivors deserve to be heard. If others won't pay attention, we'll build our own network and beat you at your own game.

All we're trying to do is to be heard and maintain a healthy balance. That's a key: you have to get trauma out somehow. If you don't, it will come out in lots of bad ways.

Thanks, and have a nice day.

Trying for some Peace and Quiet

Staying up late tonight with a healthy snack. There's also lots of despair. We try to keep in mind it's truama that has to come out. Protect yourself and try to keep your balance.

Having said that, at times all trauma survivors have concerns. If nobody gives us any reassuring contact in any way, does that damage you long-term? Questions like these come up and are hard to handle.

Adrenalin surges and pain are still there. Tremors are hard to control. You try to stay grounded, but you have to fight to not black out. All of our sources say this has to come out.

We just try to keep in mind it's not our fault.

Emptiness

Covered a lot of stuff today. However, emptiness is still there.

Flashbacks still happen. Despair is paralyzing. You feel like you literally can't move, and what's the point anyway? There's nowhere to turn. Is anyone going to help? No.

We go for a walk. We turn everything off. Then, hold onto solid things to focus on. Despite all that, at times symptoms are still there. Now what?

You try to keep in mind it's not your fault. As you do, split second flashbacks happen of horrible pain of being raped. You scream and fight to not give up and die. Nobody will help you. Does anybody else care?

At other times you feel like you just take up space. Then you literally have to shock yourself back into some sense of balance. If you don't, you feel like you're going to disappear. You don't have a choice.

Keep in mind it's not your fault. Set boundaries and protect yourself at all costs.

Also, keep this in mind. Despite the lousy economy (a nice way of saying "depression"?), we won't charge for this content. In return, we ask one thing. Please spread this to everyone it can help without endangering your healing. In addition, no spam links. We're now read in almost all fifty states, and almost 30 countries. Which means that actual people are reading.

The MSM and much of the alternative won't give us the time of day. Which means we do it with your help. Thanks.

It's All in the Balance (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Today is Day 1 of as little sugar as possible. Salads seem weird at first without dressing. Can you cope with only lemon juice? We'll see.

We still fight to maintain our balance. When dissociating is severe, it's like we're going to black out UNLESS we get our balanc back. Dissociative blackouts used to happen. When they did, our system basially shorted out because of the stress. Then you come to and have no idea where you are.

Lucid dreams still happen as well. We have to fight back and kill them before they kill us. There's pain in different parts of your body. Anal pain and the tip of your penis. Even though it's a lucid dream, you have to fight back. If you don't, you feel like the world world is beating you into the ground. Then, split second images of stabbing yourself or jumping off some building happen. I'm not a suicidal or violent person. However, I WILL fight to protect myself. Now, imagine having to fight all day every day, and do everything else as well.

How do you do that?

Anger is still there. We stab them before the attack us. We scream and cry and fight to not black out. You don't have a choice. Nobody's going to help you. We know it's not our fault. Why then do we have to fight symptoms all day long?

There's despair and at times flashbacks to where nobody's there and nobody cares. All the sources that we trust say you have to get it out. If not in a good way, it will come out in a bad way.

Trying hard to focus.

How Was/Is Your Day?

How's your time zone? Earlier today we went to a new job fair. A quick one minute interview that went okay. Now, we'll see what happens next.

Dissociating is still hard to deal with. In our case it's a combination of trying to use diet, meditation and more to cope. On bad days though, we don't know where we are. You hold onto solid things and scream as you fight to not black out. You're shaking violently and nothing seems to help.

What do you do then?

One thing that we try to keep in mind. As horrible as it seems at times, we know we're on the right track.

It is Monday

Back to it. We scream and fight to focus. Now it's lots of applications and networking.

We're really trying to stay off sugar as much as possible. Can you go thru one day with no sugar at all? Does this eliminate dissociating? We're not sure.

At the moment, no noise. Just focus on the task at hand.

Now What?

We're at home and covering lots of bases. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy. We feel really empty. We didn't get much sleep last night. Ended up fighting lots of anger, flashbacks and more.

Today, we're here but everything feels empty. We go thru the motions, but what then? Our resumes are rewritten and we can cover lots of applications. It's still a mix of in-person and online.

Symptoms are still there. Lucid dreams are rough to handle. It's fight off the psycho pedophile . Then, adrenalin surges. After that, sick flashbacks. You scream and fight , but no one listens or will help. Split second images of suicide happen. No chance of doing that, though.

It feels like we're getting assaulted every day. Then you can barely move. Can you let your guard down? Or, will you get jumped? We're not asking for perfection. Just a healthy balance.

Breath deeply. It's not real. Nobody else is in the room. Ok, then why do the flashbacks keep happening? Split second terrifying scenes of being raped and no one cares. The sources we trust all say this is normal. It has to come out.

We scream and feel like we're going to snap. If we black out, what then? Will we know where we are?

Hold onto solid things. Then try to stay grounded. Focus on things in the room.

Then what?

Untitled

It's a mix of several things. It feels at times like there's some healing. At others, everything is magnified. We scream and fight to not literally snap as we try to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. Sometimes we don't know where we are. Is this real or is this a dream? Try sitting still for one minute and not having symptoms. No noise. Just focus on peace and quiet.

Focus on solid things in the room. A chain of numbers. Anything instead of emptiness.

I'm not a violent person. I don't want to kill anybody. Despite that, the anger, frustration and hyperawareness are there. Also a feeling of being segregated because of something that's not your fault.

What do we do?

Despair at times is still paralyzing. It takes enormous energy to not fall apart. Then you're too wiped out to do anything else. What other choice do we have?

The Emptiness is Still There

Last night we called a crisis line. We were feeling really empty and abandoned. Everything is triggering and has to be screened. At times we feel like everything is hitting all at once.

Today, it's more of the same. Everyone who we trust say it's trauma coming out. You're not crazy. You're not going to vanish and never come back. The thought is there though. Will I disappear and then my multiples will take over? It's been a long time since that happened. I'm just concerned. What if it happens again?

Fighting my stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really exhausting. You fight and scream so you don't black out. Then there's a temporary sense of relief. Then it starts again. At the end of the day we can barely move. At night, we scared to go to sleep.

There's still pain all over my body. You look for help, and nobody will come. Does anyone care?

You're not a freak. You're not weird.You're not going to kill anybody. However, you just can't sit back and do nothing.

We're still waiting to start temporary therapy. In the meantime, we have our crisis contact list just in case.

Everything has to be screened, because nothing is safe.

What Do We Do Now?

Everything's hitting at once. We're trying to stay balanced. There's paralyzing despair. Symptoms and a billion images all at once. Despair, frustration and more. How do you cope with this?

We fight to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. Finally there's some temporary relief. Then, you fight again. Do that all day and everything else.

Then what?

You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

There's fear at times of dying. Everything feels empty and cold. Is anyone listening or going to care? It's not a death wish in any way. It's a matter of fighting really hard to not disappear.

Deep breathing. Try to focus on positive breathing.

You exist. Yet you feel really empty. What do you do now?

Feel Free to Comment (Contains extremely graphic content posted for a reason. Read at your own risk)

Like lots of survivors, we're trying really hard to face it head on. Don't fall into the trap of screw therapy. All therapists are greedy, evil and worthless. We know that's not true. We also know that we're trying for balance. NOT perfection.

That being said, we need some help. These are some things that we're dealing with. We apologize in advance if this triggers anyone. We never try to intentionally trigger anyone. If this bothers you, stop now. If not, keep going and post any comments that could be helpful. Please, no spam. If you do it, we'll delete it. So don't even bother.

We fight suicidal lucid dreams. You feel like nobody listens and nobody cares. Ok, then there's no point in me being here? We have to fight not stabbing ourselves, feeling the pain and then the terror of wondering, are we alive or not?

We fight the psycho pedophile that wants to go down on us and then kill us. There's physical pain as we get fucked in the ass and want to scream but we can't. Nobody's going to listen, care or help us.

We're afraid to go to sleep. Will we be able to focus on something good? Or, will the psycho pedophile get in the way and say, fuck you. You don't deserve happiness?

If nobody reassures you with a hug or any physical contact, will this permenantly damage you in some way?

Sorry, we can't handle anymore. Thanks for reading.

Trying to Focus (Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Tonight, some TV and catching up on applications and other writing.

Lots of anger and fighting to get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. We scream and feel like we're going to snap. We fight to not black out. At night, we still keep a knife at the foot of our bed. You have to protect yourself, even if it is a lucid dream.

There's still lots of pain and despair. However, we can't just sit back and do nothing. This means lots of breaks and just listening to how you feel. No other noise. Just listen.

At times, there are terrifying lucid dreams. We don't want to off ourselves. There's also despair where you feel like nobody's listening.

We ask, does anyone care?

Do you feel cheated when you try to focus on something good? You think of an ex, and instead the psycho pedophile that raped you shows up instead. You have to fight your way out of lucid dreams. We still carry a knife in our car when we go out. You have to protect yourself. We thought about a gun. However, it's too expensive and odds are higher that you might off yourself with it.

We don't want to eaten alive by anger and frustration. How do you stop from beating the shit out of everyone you see (aside from the threat of jail time)? We try to keep in mind it's trauma coming out. We're not psycotic. It's trauma that needs to come out in a non-threatening way.

Do you feel like anyone listens to you?
Do you feel like anyone cares?
Has anyone ever tried to reassure you that it's not your fault?

We're not trying to torture ourselves in wanting to have something we never will. Instead, we just want a sense of balance.

Thanks for the support. We're now read in almost all 50 states and 35 countries.

Covering Lots of Bases

Stayed up really late last night filling out applications and doing some online research. Then today, just turn everything off and just chill. We're not available to save the world.

Th despair and emptiness are still there. We screen everything and at times just sit and look out the window. It's not to the point of offing ourselves. However, it's there and you can't just set it aside.

We're just trying to keep our balance. We also wonder at times, what effect does no reassurance from literally almost no one have on you?

Happy 2012

A late Happy New Year (is it ever too late to say that?). How was yours? We stayed in, partly due to PTSD symptoms. Some good news was watching fireworks out on the balcony. Then, just kicking back.

We heard today that the potential new therapist won't work out. This crisis center only works with battered women short-term. You can't deal with complex PTSD in two months and get anywhere. Which means keep going with our holistic routine and use our list of sources when necessary.

What's one of the hardest things to deal with? You try everything you can to stay grounded. Yet, on some days it doesn't work. Symptoms are horrible. You can't just give up. You don't want to hurt yourself.

What do you do?

At times we still scream and fight to not black out. Fight this all day long, do everything else and then you're too tired to move. On the other hand, what else can you do? On some days we don't know where we are. What's real and what isn't? You fight to focus and and not black out. This tells us that backed up trauma has really been that severe.

What do you do?