Trying to Focus (Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Tonight, some TV and catching up on applications and other writing.

Lots of anger and fighting to get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. We scream and feel like we're going to snap. We fight to not black out. At night, we still keep a knife at the foot of our bed. You have to protect yourself, even if it is a lucid dream.

There's still lots of pain and despair. However, we can't just sit back and do nothing. This means lots of breaks and just listening to how you feel. No other noise. Just listen.

At times, there are terrifying lucid dreams. We don't want to off ourselves. There's also despair where you feel like nobody's listening.

We ask, does anyone care?

Do you feel cheated when you try to focus on something good? You think of an ex, and instead the psycho pedophile that raped you shows up instead. You have to fight your way out of lucid dreams. We still carry a knife in our car when we go out. You have to protect yourself. We thought about a gun. However, it's too expensive and odds are higher that you might off yourself with it.

We don't want to eaten alive by anger and frustration. How do you stop from beating the shit out of everyone you see (aside from the threat of jail time)? We try to keep in mind it's trauma coming out. We're not psycotic. It's trauma that needs to come out in a non-threatening way.

Do you feel like anyone listens to you?
Do you feel like anyone cares?
Has anyone ever tried to reassure you that it's not your fault?

We're not trying to torture ourselves in wanting to have something we never will. Instead, we just want a sense of balance.

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