Horrible Flashbacks and More(contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Lots of nightmares last night. Then, suddenly you open your eyes, and you don't know where you are. Are we at home, or somewhere else? Is anyone else here?

You don't know what to do. Do you get out of bed? Is it safe to do that? Will you have to scream and fight to not black out? This way you have some sense of being awake? Or, will something else happen?

Then, you feel empty. What do you do next? What's real and what's not?

A nice lunch has helped a little bit. Now, just focus and take things in tiny segments.

How's your day?

Balance

A scary start this morning. Lots of dissociating and we had to fight really hard to get out of that loop. Do you feel like you'll get trapped in it and never escape?

Caffeine still aggravates symptoms. We don't know where we are, and we have almost no control. Is it one of my multiples screaming to be heard? Is it endless flashbacks where we have to fight back all the time? Do you have to just lie down in the middle of the day because you're wiped out from fighting symptoms?

We're not going to off ourselves. Also, emptiness still hits as well. When it does, we turn everything off and just look out the window. We're just trying to keep our balance.

Turn the Triggering Stuff Off and Focus

Lots of places to cover online today. Turn the triggering stuff off and then maybe some online tunes to help.

We're still screaming and fighting to focus when we wake up. Is a combination of diet and keeping your blood sugar level even helping to focus better? At times we feel like a diabetic as we constantly watch this.

Don't watch the triggering stuff unless you have to. Those people are nuts.

Lots of Ground to Cover

We're covering more now in online applications and resumes. The bad part? More scams on lots of sites. Which means it can slow things down even more.

Another part of this is just a feeling of emptiness. We try not to dwell on it. Instead, just try to focus on other things and keep going. However, at times it's really rough to handle. Many of our trauma sources say that it's trauma flooding out. You feel like every single thing hits you all at once. You fight really hard to hold onto any positive things that have happened. Because at times it feels like almost nothing positive has happened.

How do you keep your balance?

Lots of Emptiness (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Staying in for a while to catch up on online applications and more. No caffeine. Also, can we handle any sugar at all? Or, does the tiniest amount set off tremors and other symptoms?

Despair at times is really crippling. You know you exist. However, you feel like a empty shell. The smallest things take a huge amount of energy to do. You won't off yourself. On the other hand, by the time you get to dinner, you feel totally wiped out.

How do you cope with the full terror of the trauma that happened to you? Does it still flood out? Do you have lucid dreams in the middle of the day? When was the last time you blacked out?

If we don't get the anger out, we feel like we're going to literally snap. Dissociating will get worse and then we'll just literally vanish.

Will anyone care?

It's Really Draining

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying not to snap because of anger. Lots of driving around, screaming and fighting to not black out. Now, we'll stay home for a while and keep all the triggering stuff off.

Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. It takes enormous effort to focus and try to get the anger out. It's like there's a barrier there and you have to keep pushing to get past it to try and get it out. If you stop, then dissociating gets worse. Now, do that all day long AND everything else you have to get done.

We don't have a choice. At times, we do think about going to the roof of our building or somewhere else. What happens if we did jump? We won't, because we won't give them the satisfaction. Then again, what else can we do?

Protect yourself at all costs.

An Overview

Time to stay in for a while and kick back. We're officially taking a break from as much triggering stuff as possible  (unless we have to look because of work). Everybody has their point where they say enough. And we've reached ours.

Instead, focus on positive things. If you're new to this blog, thanks for checking us out. It's a mix of holistic information. Diet, exercise, a mix of links and more to give you an idea of what the daily struggle is like to fight PTSD symptoms (regardless of the trauma you're dealing with). If you want the standard "Health and Human services think tank version" of PTSD, please go elsewhere. Here, it's very raw at times. However, if we lie there's no point in writing this. We try to put disclaimers where we can. Then again, you can't please everybody all the time. Hope you understand.

What's in the links? Studies, music clips, a beautiful sunset. A total mix to hopefully help to give you some sense of calmness as you're fighting to regain your balance. The crisis centers we list have to meet certain criteria:

Do they have staff trained in dealing with PTSD clients?
Do guy rape survivors freak them out?
If someone has PTSD but isn't a vet, can they handle it?

The last thing someone in crisis needs is to be judged or blown off. Then, have even more stress to deal with. If you know of helpful crisis centers, let us know. However, keep in mind we have final say over who we link to. The last thing we need is to be bought out or controlled by someone else. It won't happen.

Finally, please link us everywhere you can. Also please, NO SPAM LINKS. Frankly, you know you'll get deleted. So why waste your time and ours doing it to begin with? Don't do it.

Check out the new links and thanks for the time.

Lots of Anger

Flashbacks and lots of anger are flooding out. We go out and wonder if we'll make it back. Lots of emptiness and wondering what to do.

We turn things off and just sit. Focus on the sound in the room. No noise. Yet, at times that doensn't help. We still get hit with violent flashbacks, body pain and lucid dreams.

We have to fight back. Will we ever have a symptom free day?

Too Hard to Focus

Lots of painful flashbacks and other symptoms. At times it actually hurts to try and focus. We scream and fight to not snap. We can't fall apart. If we do, we'll feel like we just take up space.

No noise. Just quiet. A nice shower. Then sit out on the balcony. Anything else is too painful.

If You Can't Screen it, then Hire Someone to Do It for You

Maybe we need new filters on our laptop or something. It seems like the amount of triggering stuff has gone way up. This makes it really challenging to get necessary information and not endanger yourself in any way. Some say it's going to get much worse. We just try to stay away from that and focus on our balance.

Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need to do this? If no, go somewhere else. Do you have times when it feels like literally there are a million decisions to make (even if you're not that busy that day)? If we go this way, endless dissociating. That means go the other way. It can also mean throwing out a lot of junk that only causes flashbacks and other symptoms.

There's still fear and the terror of being abandoned. How do you deal with that?

Do You Feel Left Out? (Contains poentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

When anyone says PTSD, almost always it's about vets or vets who've returned. Rarely is anyone else who has PTSD from some trauma mentioned.

Why?

Is it because it doesn't fit a nice neat soundbite? Is it because we just don't talk about things like that during prime time news? Is it because nobody really cares ?

To many, a guy rape survivor is their worst nightmare. Despite that, do they stop to consider that survivors never asked to be survivors? They never asked to go thru all of that pain, humiliation and (in many cases) a lifetime of torment?

You won't hear about it on the MSM. You won't hear about it from any politician. You won't hear about it on your favorite progressive talk show. However, if a celebrity talk about it, instantly it's THE NEWS.

Which is why we speak out here. We have to keep it mutually anonymous and so far, it seems to be building.

If you find a place to link us where it doesn't threaten your security, fine. Protection comes first.

Still lots of anger and frustration.

Sunny and Lots of Anger

Eating a nice light lunch as we write this. It's sunny, but there's also a lot of anger as well. We still have to scream and fight to focus when we get up in the morning.

Why is that? Is it because trauma is still flooding out? Is it because we're not taking enough herbs (B-12, glutamine and others)? Stimulants still make symptoms worse. The tiniest amount of caffeine still leads to violent tremors. Does dissociating get better? Or, does it always stay the same?

There's anger and at times there's fear as well. Can we trust this person or not? Will they break in and try to attack us? We still keep a knife in the room for protection. Flashbacks still happen, and when they do we don't know much of the time where we are.

Will despair always be there?

No Noise for a While

Finally had enough and turned everything off. Just sit, write and set boundaries where necessary.

One rough aspect of PTSD? Trauma is energy trapped in different parts of your body. If triggering stuff happens, it can throw your balance way off. Then you have to fight really hard to regain that. Usually it takes hours and hours to do it. Then how do you other stuff without feeling totally wiped out?

Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. You fight to get anger out without blacking out. You go thru a checkout line and try not to dissociate. Look cool and calm on the outside. On the inside, you're this close to snapping.

It feels like all the trauma's coming out at once. Everyone that treated you like shit is trying to beat you down. You can't just sit and do nothing. Even though it's lucid dreams, you have to fight back. You don't have a choice. If you're not careful, you feel like you're going to vanish. And no one will ever know or care.

Have you ever had a symptom free day?

Be Very Careful (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Almost the Friday lunch hour. What's on the menu today? Maybe leftover veggie spaghetti. With extra tomato paste and hot sauce. Or, some tacos. So many choices. More choices if you're checking what's happening today. We still suggest that you screen everything first, because yes you need to do it.

How do you cope when it feels like everything is caving in on you? One idea is to fight the "change the world overnight" attitude that many trauma survivors have. It's like you're taking on everyone else's trauma in addition to yours. And it's just too much.

Instead, be selective in your battles. Take a tiny part of some issue and work on it that way. Because also, if you do that, quality content will lead to word of mouth advertising. Yes, if you have an ad budget, it does help. However, for the rest of us, do it the other way.

We're really trying to pay attention to our salt and sugar intake. It feels like there's a connection between overdoing these and horrible PTSD symptoms. Until we can afford it, we'll just have to use other sources to find out more.

Have a nice day.

Do What's Necessary to Protect Yourself

Today, dissociating is still tough to deal with. It's like you fight to focus and not black out. Then, it starts again.You feel paralyzed and at times just sit and look out the window. What do you do then?

One answer is do everything you can to protect yourself. Economically and also your overall health. We won't get into all the triggering things happening right now because this isn't yet another progressive political blog. That's for others to deal with.

Instead, try to keep in mind that you have to get trauma out in the most non-threatening way you can. Fight that all day, look for jobs and do everything else you have to do. At the end of the day, what then?

At times anger and terror that feels like it won't stop come out. You scream and try not to black out. Because if you do, what happens then? Will you always  lose your balance and a feel for who you are? Will you just end up an empty shell and ask what's the point? Will you morph into something else and feel like you'll never be able to fight your way back? All common problems for trauma survivors.

Back to it.

The Mind Body Balance

How's your coping going? Despite not being able to go back to a regular therapist, we use other sources to help us out when needed. We're also still following our holistic program to try and cope (diet, exercise, Tai Chi and meditation and more).

Many talk about PTSD. Is it a mental illness? Is it an emotional disorder? We think of it as a problem that you do your best to deal with and heal from. It's not worth the time and effort to try and fit into someone else's idea of what you should be (in our opinion). Instead, try and be as balanced and proactive as you can. Not perfection. But balance.

Does PTSD and trauma ever go away? Just like economists debating qualitative easing, there are lots of opinions on this. Yes, but gradually. No, you're stuck with it. So shut up and go away. And various other ideas.

Our trauma (anger and more) is still coming out. Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. We have to fight to get anger out to the point of almost blacking out. If we don't, we feel like we're just empty. The whole world is trying to beat us down. And we can't have that.

Have you ever had a day without symptoms? A day without hyperawareness and feeling like you have to fight all the time? We haven't. As we're writing this, we have to stop at various times to fight and focus. We have to  fight to get anger out and not dissociate. At times it feels like it's a sample that you can't turn off. You deep breathe and do other grounding stuff. However, it's still there.

What do you do then?

One idea. When you're online, plug in your earphones and try to listen to either white noise or just something safe and non-triggering. Make sure it's pre-screened so it's not a threat. As we come across helpful stuff, we'll post it in the links section.

NOTE: Thanks for the support. We're now read in 35 states and in 20 countries.

What Sources Do You Trust?

It is the weekend. There's literally nothing good on TV. Lots of triggering stuff all over the Net. This means protest yourself at all costs.

Lots of anger today. At times we feel like we're going to snap. Then we're totally exhausted and almost feel like we can't get up and do anything.

Then we have to fight it again.

Aside from a crisis line person that we talk to if necessary (thanks to those that do help us), it feels like literally no one else can be bothered. This is just too freaking weird. Go away.

Does this happen to you? How do you deal with this?

Do you feel like an empty shell? You go thru the daily stuff that you have to do. Inside though, you almost feel like nothing's there. At night, you're too wiped out to do anything. The next day, it's the same thing all over again.

Have you ever thought about suicide? We would never do that and give them the satisfaction. At times though it comes to mind.

We just try to keep our balance as best we can.

NOTE: Thanks for the support. Everything here is free. We only ask one thing in return. Please link us everywhere you can. NO SPAM LINKS (buy gold now, Obama is a Socialist Muslim who's going to destroy the country, and so on). Only legitimate ones, please.

Lots of Ups and Downs

It really is Friday. Another day of screaming to focus as you try to wake up. Then, how do you keep your balance duing the day? Trauma survivors are very suseptible to chemical changes (junk food, caffeine and other stuff). You fight to keep your focus and not snap. If dissociating happens, at times you don't know where you are. At other times, depression is severe.

It's trauma flooding out. Also, we're smart enough to know that we have to get it out. If we don't, we'll just fall apart. You feel like an empty shell and then say, what's the point? Anger still lashes out as well. We don't have a  gun at home because it's too expensive. But we do still keep a knife at home and take it with us hidden in our bag if necessary. Why? Because we feel safe with it.

You have to fight back. You just can't sit back and go with your feelings.

Do you still have flashbacks? Do you have lucid dreams of being raped? Do you have horrible visions of dying and nobody cares? We do.

One good thing. It's three weeks now with no caffeine. And there's definately a connection between that and your adrenal glands.

Protect yourself at all costs.

A Really Long Day

Looks like sometime soon we'll have to upgrade to a new laptop. In the meantime we bought some extra hardware that let us keep going.

Fighting symptoms all day long as well which makes for a really exhausting day. At night, we're doing meditating for about 20 minutes (on a good night). However, symptoms are still there.

We just try to keep our balance and set boundaries where needed. Nobody else will do it for you. Then, break it down into tiny segments and see what happens.

Almost Friday.

More Emptiness

Almost done for the night. There's still emptiness that happens and leaves you not sure what to do. My multiples and liitle kid feel sad because there's nobody there to listen or help. When they're confused about this, how do you say something other than, I don't know why?

We just turn things off, rock back and forth or just go for a walk. Lots of triggering stuff seems to be everywhere. At times I have to reassure them that it's okay to do this or to go someplace. However, it is tough to trust people at face value.

We still have to scream to get anger out so our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism can be dealt with. If we don't, the emptiness gets even worse.

What do you do then?

Ying and Yang

It's a common idea in marital arts, holistic medicine and many cultures. Try to maintain a good balance overall.

How's your balance these days? We're doing our best to keep ours. The battle continues.