We Got thru Withdrawl

A rough night last night, due to too many stimulants. We thought some salsa would be okay. Unfortunately, no. We didn't finally come thru it till about 3 a.m. Today, as much as possible, no stimulants. Can you get thru a day with no sugar at all in your diet? It seems like anything above 2 grams (6 packets of sugar) is out.

We also connected with the new therapist. Another session is tomorrow, and more looking at trying to maintain some sense of balance.

Have a good day.

Supplements and More

How's your week so far? We caught up on some online research about how to cope better with trauma as trapped energy in your body. One answer? COQ10 and carnitine. These promote better cell function on a basic level. Better functioning means you're able to cope better with various symptoms. Now, how come all of the various "experts with years of experience in PTSD and trauma" that we've gone thru up till now never mentioned these?

Still breaking things down into tiny segments. We still have crippling despair at times. However, we'll stick with setting boundaries and other holistic ways to cope.

At times though, violent flashbacks still happen. For a split second nobody will help you. Then, you don't know where you are. How do you cope with that?

Staying in Tonight

Another day of the full range of symptoms. Now, still no caffeine and as little sugar and salt as possible. Physical pain and adrenalin surges are still there. This means lots of water and trying to stay as healthy as possible.

Flashbacks and sadness are still there as well. The fear of nobody seeming to ever care is there and hard to handle. You try to face it as best you can. However, at times you don't know what to do. You turn everything off and just sit or lie down and try to get thru the next ten seconds.

What do you do then?

Anger, Fear, Emptiness and More

We decided to take a break today because we couldn't focus. There was pain all over, body memory and horrible flashbacks. The slightest amount of caffeine sets it all off. This means turning everything off and just focusing on quiet and how you feel.

At times we can't go out. Not because of agoraphobia. But because of pain and adrenalin surges. We look out the window and there's lots of emptiness. We're not sure of what to say or do. Then, just when we think we have some balance flashbacks and anger come out. We have to literally hold onto something solid while we violently shake and try to focus and have some sense of balance again. Once we reach that, then we go out to the car. Now, how do we focus while we drive? If we have hyperawareness in a crowded place, what's our escape plan? At times it feels like we're in a war zone. Everything has to be checked out. The person looking at us. What are they really thinking and doing? The homeless person walking down between cars. Are they armed? Will they attack us? Where's our weapon if they do?

There's paralyzing emptiness. Almost no one seems to care. In another sense, it's like we can predict what many will say and do, based on past experience. Then, where do we go?

Only one person has ever given us a reassuring hug and actually meant it when they said, I'm sorry you were raped.

Flashbacks happen and we have to fight to remember where we are. You scream and fight to not feel stuck. It's takes a huge amount of energy to focus and then move. Now, multiply that by fifty times a day, along with everything else you have to do.

Where we live, there's no support group for guy survivors. Why? Who knows. Some support sites have pedophile administrators. Despite providing evidence, in many cases the Powers that Be refuse to do anything.

If you're legitimately seeking help and have this to deal with, can you trust anybody?

Some say stop this weird ass symptom shit and go get help. Just don't do it around me.

Do you feel denied any justice at all? We do.

Emptiness and Balance

Lots to do online tonight. Tomorrow, more in-person job contacts hopefully. The trick? How to time it right to get in to see the manager without pissing them off in this lousy economy.

Emptiness at times is really crippling. We feel like literally no one wants anything to do with us. Are they then going to turn around and attack us? Is everybody a threat? Do we have to fight everyone?
At times we still carry a concealed knife with us for protection. We feel like we have to because weird stuff comes out of nowhere.

Does anyone want to talk to us? Or, do they really just want us to go away? We really try to operate off of facts and not just rumors. However, at times you get the feeling that many can't be bothered. You freak them out, they're too busy. Or, maybe what they really want to say: you're their worst nightmare. So please just shut up and go away.

How's this for a scenario? Some of the Powers that Be say that torture is perfectly okay, and make millions doing that. Meanwhile, I'm told that that the statute of limitations on my torture have run out. I also can't get any victim compensation of any kind.

What do I do now? Just shut up and go away?

If I'm a vet with PTSD, I'm told there are dozens of places to get help. If I'm not, we don't know what to do with you.

Where do I go?

Like all trauma survivors, I don't want to have PTSD hanging over me forever. I also know that there are lots of tools that can be used. Aversion therapy. Writing down all your feelings at your rapist and then burning it and saying I'm done with you. That's nice stuff. The problem is I can't do all of that by myself. I need someone else's help.

Then again, if you feel like no one has time, what do you do?

Job Leads and More

Lots of job leads today, along with trying to back up and sell some material. These days, does anybody NOT need extra money?

Flashbacks still happen. We have to fight to focus and get our balance back. Still no tolerance for caffeine. The smallest amount sets off adrenalin surges and other symptoms. Maybe we can get a discount on bottled water in bulk?

Other than that, emptiness is still there. At times, we feel like a shell taking up space. Then again, you can't quit. You have to keep going.

A Rough Day

Lots of depression today. We have things to do, but everything feels empty. Hope your day is better.

Do You Have to Scream to be Heard?

Listening to some Net radio clips as we catch up on this and other stuff. Earlier today, horrible dissociating and screaming to not black out from symptoms. Now, we're too tired to go out.

We can't watch regular TV anymore. Radio only in small segments. Everything else has to be screened. We have to fight to focus and wake up in the morning. We're also hypoglycemic (a common thing for trauma survivors). This means try to keep your blood sugar even which will possibly make waking up easier to do.

Body pain is still there. Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. We risk backing out at times before we feel like we can get anger out. Then, it starts again. Now, do this all day long and everything else that you have to do.

Flashbacks still happen, and we have to fight to focus so we don't lose track of where we are. Not always, but at times we ask, is anyone paying attention? Despair and feeling like no one wants to have any physical contact with us still happen. We know it's not our fault. Then, how come one person has actually given us a reassuring hug in all of this time? We know we can't control what others say or do (unless you're their boss). Yet, being a normal human being and a trauma survivor, you have concerns.

At times, we turn things off and just sit and look out the window. We go for a walk or sit on our balcony. We won't jump off or hurt ourselves in any way. Despite that, the despair is still there. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy. Is one of my multiples lashing out? No. It feels like trauma overall is coming out. Which means that it is that severe.

At night,we're scared to go to sleep. We have problems sleeping on our side because the psycho pedophile is there. The body memory is there.We have to turn over and physically touch that side of the bed and check under the sheets to make sure that no one's there. Does this ever go away? Aversion therapy is out of the question.

Almost everything feels like a threat. We don't go around attacking people. We don't want to go on a rampage. Yet, on bad days you feel like everything has to be planned out when you go out. Will we snap? How do we escape if we have to? Where do we go?

The pressure at times feels like you're going to disappear. You try lots of grounding techniques, and sometimes they don't work. Now what do you do? You can't just roll over and do nothing. You can't just sit back and go with your feelings, because that doesn't work.

What do you do?

Screen Everything

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of balance. Despair is still there and at times crippling. Emptiness is still there and we take lots of breaks. Curl up on the couch and we don't know what to do.

However, it's trauma that has to come out.

It's a High Stress Day

As you read this, it's somewhere between 7 p.m. Sat. night and 1 p.m. Sunday afternoon. How's your part of the world?

Here, it's a very high stress period. Regular TV and radio are out of the question. Online, everything has to be screened. If we go out someplace, we try to have an escape plan (in case PTSD symptoms are really bad). It literally feels like you can't turn anywhere without getting bombarded with triggering stuff.

We're really working to have as many options as possible. Just in case the new job(s) aren't here, where do we go next? Have as many as possible and then make choices.

Day 2 now of almost no sugar. Some holistic doctors say that sugar can actually damage your system on a cellular level. This in turn messes up your liver and can then make you suseptible to a wide range of conditions (everything from cancer to dementia and more). Staying off it is helping some. However, how come NONE of the various "health experts" we went to for a long time to try and get help never told us about this?

Despair at times is still there. Feeling abandoned is also still there. Does this ever go away?

An Overview of Trauma

Back home for the night, and our snack is some peanut butter and decaf tea. We went to a store, and literally almost all the processed stuff had either too much sugar, salt or caffeine in it. What then is the point of going there? Despite that, we managed to find a few good things.

Since this is a global trauma blog (or should we say THE global trauma blog?), and there's more talk globally about stress and health, let's try to take an overview on this and see what happens. We might have to break our "never talk about politics" rule to do it. We'll see.

The amount of global stress is going up, due to a growing list of triggering causes. The Powers that Be are choosing to ignore or as usual, manipulate these for the maximum profit possible. This means that yes, there is a income gap and it's getting bigger. As a result, more trauma's happening and more aren't either being heard, getting the help they need, or both.

Trauma is trapped energy in various parts of your body. If you use stimulants, you're making that worse. SInce your mind and body are one thing, if you deal with the trauma, you rebalance your system. Then, possibly cut down or stop using any drugs you might be doing to try and cope with the pain.

A key point. Many addicts say that when they use they feel like an actual human being who's loved. Some might say, how could you feel loved if you're in a shooting gallery or a crack den? That's sad, but that's not the point. The point is feeling some sense of balance.

Some say that trauma survivors have messed up brain chemistry, due in many cases to high stress hormone levels and not enough dopamine. They didn't ask to be traumatized. Yet, in many cases nobody pays attention.

That being said, what do you expect many of these people to do? Just sit back and buy the "life sucks. So deal with it and shut up" response? Human emotions aren't a light switch that you can instantly turn on and off. Yes, it might make someone else's life more convenient in some ways. However, look at it from the trauma survivor's perspective.

Nobody asks to be traumatized. Nobody asks for pain, humiliation and feeling like there's no hope. Nobody asks to always have the fear of, is anybody ever going to give me any reassuring human contact of any kind? Does lack of that permenantly damage you in some way? It's a subjective question, but a common question.

We still have problems with getting anger out. We still have to fight and focus so we don't literally snap in two or black out. On the other hand, just sitting back and going with your feelings doesn't work.

What's the solution? One is to maintain a healthy balance. Not Zen bliss, but a healthy balance. One reason is because the current society most of us live in says weakness isn't tolerated. If you can't keep up, that's YOUR problem, not mine. If that's not true, then please explain to me why I seee a growing number of homeless people every day as I drive around. Are you telling me in some way they get off on pain, humiliation and having no human diginity at all? If you're seriously suggesting that they do in some way, sorry, but frankly that's sick.

Hope this helps to add some clarity to what many trauma survivors are dealing with. Back to the tea.

What's for Lunch?

Today, lots of stuff to cover. We're starting to get job callbacks. One says thanks, but we think you're overqualified. The good news is that someone's paying attention. Onto other leads.

Dissociating is still painful. You feel like you have to scream to stay focused on one thing. If not, you don't know where you are. Regular TV is out of the question. Everything else online has to be screened. If we go out we have to have an escape plan, just in case. We still carry a weapon with us at times because we feel safer. A gun is just too expensive and not a good idea. As long as we don't set off any alarms or draw attention to ourselves, it's okay.

At times there's lots of anger because of a long time of 24/7 horrible dissociating. Imagine literally having to fight to focus and feel awake. Then, take lots of meds all day long to look cool and calm on the outside. You literally can't focus for 30 seconds without being bombarded with flashbacks, lucid dreams and other noise. Now, at times it feels like dual realities. However, we know we're not psycotic. We don't have any other mental problem. It's a matter of keeping a healthy balance.

We won't go off on a rampage and kill everybody that's treated us like shit. The thought is there. But we won't act on it.

On the other hand, despair and emptiness are still there. On bad days we turn everything off and can barely get thru fifteen seconds. We still have to fight to get thru flashbacks and stay grounded. All of our sources that we trust all say it's backed up trauma that has to come out.

NOTE: The latest check shows that our global audience is picking up. Thanks for that, and unless it hurts your healing in some way please spread this everywhere you can. One trick if posting links in comments is how you say it (versus just an obvious link). If you word your comment the right way, that site's content police will usually let it stay up.

Your Title Here

Time to stay in and focus on lots of applications and query letters.
The right p/h balance seems to be one key to try and deal with symptoms. However, they're still there. In the morning, we still have to lie down and focus to try and feel awake. By the end of the day of fighting symptoms, we can barely move. Which then means trying to fight the urge for lots of caffeine and sugar.

We know being raped isn't our fault. Despite that, at times it's really hard to find something positive. If you do, instantly you feel like you're getting assaulted by the psycho pedophiles and all the rest of them.

At times, we don't know what to do. You cry all day long and feel totally empty. Also, you have to screen everything to make sure it's not triggering. We still have flashbacks to literally turning away to silently scream because if others can hear you, somehow that's disturbing to them. I know that makes no sense at all. But for a long time there was that "weakness isn't tolerated" warped thinking. It's still there for the others in the "immediate family". I'm biologically related to them. We lived in the same house for a time. But that's it. I literally have no other connection at all to them.

The emptiness and need to fight are still there. We just try to keep in mind that it's not our fault. We're not abnormal in any way. All of these symptoms, pain and frustration are backed up unfaced trauma that needs to come out.

If it doesn't threaten you in any way, please link this blog everywhere you can. Also, please, no spam links. If you wanna make money, go someplace else.

Do Any of These Apply to You?

Everything feels magnified. Lots of our sources say this is trauma coming out. Do any of these apply to you at at your stage of healing?

Severe paranoia
Paralyzing fear
Dissociating
Adrenalin surges
Physical pain in various parts of your body
Horrible lucid dreams
Hyperawareness
Is it safe to go out of my house?
Is the person next to me/behind me/etc. a threat?
Not actually doing it. But wanting to go on a rampage and kill every single ____ that laughed at us and thought getting raped was funny.
Does anyone know or care that we exist?
Debilitating anger to the point we fight to not black out
Feeling like literally almost everything/everyone is a trigger
If fear makes us feel like a zombie, will meds make that even worse?
Can we ever let our guard down?
Do people that you know seem like a threat?
Do you scream all day long and try to look cool and calm to the outside world?
Are you scared to go to sleep at night?
Do you keep a weapon next to you even though there's no one else in the room?
Are you scared to sleep on your side at night because the psycho pedophile feels like they're there (even though they're not)?

At times we can barely move because we're so worn out from fighting to not black out. We feel like we're screaming all day long. Is anyone listening?

It feels like pressure that's trying to push you down. It feels like it's hard to breathe. We have no heart problems or other stuff that we know of. Yet that pressure is still there. Our sources keep saying, this is terrifying yet perfectly normal. It has to come out.

Some nights we literally curl up on our sofa and struggle to get thru one minute. Everything feels empty. We're here, but now what?

Regardless  of where you are in your healing, keep in mind that this is not abnormal in any way. It does have to come out.

Thanks for the support. Please spread this to everyone you can that it might help. It's free and will stay free. But also, mutually anonymous. We have several safeguards built into this blog for our protection. So no worries there.

Time to stretch.

The Effects of Stuff on You

Time to catch up on a lot of online writing and job hunting. Last night was rough with horrible symptoms. We didn't get to sleep until about 3 a.m. Today though we're focusing on balance.

It's backed up trauma that has to come out. This means be aware of the effects of various things on you. Protect yourself and set boundaries where necessary. Because nobody else will do it for you.

Have a nice day.

The First Session

Finally went to see the new therapist. So far, we think it will help. The main thing? Just having some unconditional support.

While the other stuff is still there, we're still sticking to our holistic routine. Another part of it is covering bases.

Unless it endangers you in some way, please tell everyone you can about this blog. We have no publicist, assistant or anyone else. Which means it's content and word-of-mouth. Totally free and no ads.

Yes, there really is one thing that's free on the Net.

Turn the Sound Down

A really rough start today. Screaming and fighting hard to not black out. Lots of grounding ideas didn't help to stop horrible dissociating. Now, we're writing and watching the Super Bowl (we're saying Giants by 7) with the sound turned down.

Why down? Because everything has to be screened. The slightest triggering thing that comes out of nowhere can literally set off dissociating for weeks at a time. We're being careful with out diet. We're doing lots of other healthy holistic things. Yet, at times we still have horrible symptoms. It's exhausting and at times we seriously ask, are we crazy?

In some ways it feels like a really long time of endless torture. Nobody listens and nobody cares that you got raped and are fighting to survive. Instead, they get off on treating you like shit and laughing about it. This leads to lots of questions:

Do you care if we're here?
If we're gone, would it bother you?
How can you say I care about you and fuck off all at the same time? It doesn't work like that.
How can someone seriously say that pedophiles raping the shit out of innocent little kids is "perfectly normal experimentation"?
Is anybody paying attention?

Now, if you feel like 99% of the world treats you like this, what else can you do but fight back? Either you fight back or you fall apart and literally die.

All we want is to literally be able to have 30 seconds of quiet and not get bombarded with endless dissociating loops and other symptoms.

Will anybody ever give us any reassuring contact of any kind?

It's Not Our Fault

We're trying to focus and deal with a feeling of emptiness. Flashbacks of abuse and being raped still happen. Almost everywhere you turn, nobody listens or cares. People laugh in your face and treat you like shit.

You don't want to off yourself and give them the satisfaction. Instead, set boundaries and protect yourself.

We still scream and fight to focus and not dissociate. There's a connection between a too acidic system and horrible symptoms. If you're not careful, it feels like you're being beaten down. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

We've been homeless twice. Now, we'll break our no-politics rule for a second and ask a question. Should there be a national law that gurantees everyone a home?

Detoxifying and More

Trying to stay off caffeine and sugar as much as possible. It now feels like more despair is coming out. There's anger and really feeling abandoned. Plus, you have to fight to maintain  your balance. At the end of the day we can barely move.

Next week we'll go see the new short-term therapist. Can she deal with PTSD symptoms? We'll see.

Some Sense of Focus

Finally, a sense of some calm. Earlier today it's been fighting symptoms, anger, frustration and more. You fight and fight to get out of that dissociating. Then, just when you feel like you'll black out, you feel empty.

We still feel empty as we write this. We still fee abandoned. On the other hand, we'll stay in tonight and cover lots of job leads.

We don't know what else to do.

Trying to Focus

Lots of emptiness today as we try to focus. We're still screening everything to protect ourselves from triggering stuff as much as possible. There's lots of anger and frustration at feeling abandoned by about 99./9% of those we turned to try and get help for something that's not our fault. If you feel like everybody's trying to beat you down you have to fight back to maintain your balance.

Right now, that's what we want. To maintain our balance.