Do You Have to Scream to be Heard?

Listening to some Net radio clips as we catch up on this and other stuff. Earlier today, horrible dissociating and screaming to not black out from symptoms. Now, we're too tired to go out.

We can't watch regular TV anymore. Radio only in small segments. Everything else has to be screened. We have to fight to focus and wake up in the morning. We're also hypoglycemic (a common thing for trauma survivors). This means try to keep your blood sugar even which will possibly make waking up easier to do.

Body pain is still there. Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. We risk backing out at times before we feel like we can get anger out. Then, it starts again. Now, do this all day long and everything else that you have to do.

Flashbacks still happen, and we have to fight to focus so we don't lose track of where we are. Not always, but at times we ask, is anyone paying attention? Despair and feeling like no one wants to have any physical contact with us still happen. We know it's not our fault. Then, how come one person has actually given us a reassuring hug in all of this time? We know we can't control what others say or do (unless you're their boss). Yet, being a normal human being and a trauma survivor, you have concerns.

At times, we turn things off and just sit and look out the window. We go for a walk or sit on our balcony. We won't jump off or hurt ourselves in any way. Despite that, the despair is still there. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy. Is one of my multiples lashing out? No. It feels like trauma overall is coming out. Which means that it is that severe.

At night,we're scared to go to sleep. We have problems sleeping on our side because the psycho pedophile is there. The body memory is there.We have to turn over and physically touch that side of the bed and check under the sheets to make sure that no one's there. Does this ever go away? Aversion therapy is out of the question.

Almost everything feels like a threat. We don't go around attacking people. We don't want to go on a rampage. Yet, on bad days you feel like everything has to be planned out when you go out. Will we snap? How do we escape if we have to? Where do we go?

The pressure at times feels like you're going to disappear. You try lots of grounding techniques, and sometimes they don't work. Now what do you do? You can't just roll over and do nothing. You can't just sit back and go with your feelings, because that doesn't work.

What do you do?