A really rough start today. Screaming and fighting hard to not black out. Lots of grounding ideas didn't help to stop horrible dissociating. Now, we're writing and watching the Super Bowl (we're saying Giants by 7) with the sound turned down.
Why down? Because everything has to be screened. The slightest triggering thing that comes out of nowhere can literally set off dissociating for weeks at a time. We're being careful with out diet. We're doing lots of other healthy holistic things. Yet, at times we still have horrible symptoms. It's exhausting and at times we seriously ask, are we crazy?
In some ways it feels like a really long time of endless torture. Nobody listens and nobody cares that you got raped and are fighting to survive. Instead, they get off on treating you like shit and laughing about it. This leads to lots of questions:
Do you care if we're here?
If we're gone, would it bother you?
How can you say I care about you and fuck off all at the same time? It doesn't work like that.
How can someone seriously say that pedophiles raping the shit out of innocent little kids is "perfectly normal experimentation"?
Is anybody paying attention?
Now, if you feel like 99% of the world treats you like this, what else can you do but fight back? Either you fight back or you fall apart and literally die.
All we want is to literally be able to have 30 seconds of quiet and not get bombarded with endless dissociating loops and other symptoms.
Will anybody ever give us any reassuring contact of any kind?
Since there's no instant cure for trauma, how do you deal with it? Break it down into small increments so it feels "manageable".
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