We decided to take a break today because we couldn't focus. There was pain all over, body memory and horrible flashbacks. The slightest amount of caffeine sets it all off. This means turning everything off and just focusing on quiet and how you feel.
At times we can't go out. Not because of agoraphobia. But because of pain and adrenalin surges. We look out the window and there's lots of emptiness. We're not sure of what to say or do. Then, just when we think we have some balance flashbacks and anger come out. We have to literally hold onto something solid while we violently shake and try to focus and have some sense of balance again. Once we reach that, then we go out to the car. Now, how do we focus while we drive? If we have hyperawareness in a crowded place, what's our escape plan? At times it feels like we're in a war zone. Everything has to be checked out. The person looking at us. What are they really thinking and doing? The homeless person walking down between cars. Are they armed? Will they attack us? Where's our weapon if they do?
There's paralyzing emptiness. Almost no one seems to care. In another sense, it's like we can predict what many will say and do, based on past experience. Then, where do we go?
Only one person has ever given us a reassuring hug and actually meant it when they said, I'm sorry you were raped.
Flashbacks happen and we have to fight to remember where we are. You scream and fight to not feel stuck. It's takes a huge amount of energy to focus and then move. Now, multiply that by fifty times a day, along with everything else you have to do.
Where we live, there's no support group for guy survivors. Why? Who knows. Some support sites have pedophile administrators. Despite providing evidence, in many cases the Powers that Be refuse to do anything.
If you're legitimately seeking help and have this to deal with, can you trust anybody?
Some say stop this weird ass symptom shit and go get help. Just don't do it around me.
Do you feel denied any justice at all? We do.
Since there's no instant cure for trauma, how do you deal with it? Break it down into small increments so it feels "manageable".
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