Happy 2012.

Happy 2012 in whatever time zone you're in. Thanks for the support in helping to spread the word. We now have readers in over 40 states and 30 countries. We never ask for money and everything here is free. The only thing we do ask is to tell others about this unless it endangers you in some way.

For the past couple of days, we've just felt really empty. You go around and get things done. Despite that, that emptiness and occasional despair is there. All of our mental health sources say the same thing. It's backed up trauma coming out. Not everybody heals at the same rate. Which means you're not crazy.

What helps you to deal with despair? We know you can't literally force someone else to understand about trauma. On the other hand, normal human beings have bad days and struggle with everything from abandonment to fighting out suicidal impulses. Will anyone ever give us any reassurance in any way?

We're trying to focus, but dissociating is a non-stop battle. At times we just turn all noise off and just look outside. We're not sure why we still can only take so much. We keep going though.

Some make predictions and have lots of resolutions. We have some predictions. As to the resolutions, we have a few. One would be to continue to maintain our balance as best we can. Another is to keep creating options instead of waiting for them to come to you. Beyond that, we have trouble thinking past two days from now.

The emptiness is still there. Keep your boundaries where necessary. Protect yourself because nobody else will. Finally, keep up the word-of-mouth advertising. It really does work.

Finally got closer back to therapy

How's your week before Xmas? We've been fighting symptoms, job hunting and trying to stay away from triggering stuff that seems to be everywhere. Some of it is to the point where you ask, why? Then, it's not our job to fix this.

Dissociating and adrenalin surges are still there. We scream and fight to not black out. At times we have to fight not feeling like we're going to disappear. Because we have no other choice.

Meditation helps at times. At others it's tough to try and focus. We feel like we're getting assaulted with images, noise and lots of other stuff. This shows how horrible our trauma really has been.

We have to fight back.

Who's Reading this Blog, Anyway?

As they say Down Under, how ya goin'? Have a nice weekend? We've been busy with applications and lots of in-person networking.

Who is reading this blog? We don't know all of your names. However, if you check out the very cool global map in the upper left corner, we're now up to 45 states and 37 countries. If we wanted to be nasty, we could trace you down to your neighborhood and then get Google satellite pics of your house. But that's just not cool. So no worries about that.

Instead, here's a money free pitch. We've been writing this blog now for a while. We have a growing audience, and thanks for that. Also, we've never asked for money. All of this is totally free content. The purpose is to hopefully minimize your stress as you seek help. Then, connect with someone who won't prejudge you in any way. We've been talking to some mental health sources, and the word is spreading.

In return, we ask one thing. Spread this to everyone and everywhere you think it might help. UNLESS it threatens your security. Also, no spam links. If you do it you'll get deleted. Why then bother to waste your time?

We have no personal assistant or marketing team. It's just us trying to be heard and help out in some way. However, anonymity is always first.

Thanks for reading.

Keep Your Balance

A little more work to do online tonight. Then, a latenight snack.

The emptiness is still there. Despite that, we're sticking to it's trauma coming out. Which means that it's healing. Terrifying at times, but healing.

A tough part of it is facing head on how horrible the trauma is. Fighting to get anger out before you black out. Keeping in mind you have to keep your balance to stay aware of your symptoms.

At times, keeping your sugar level even seems to help control lucid dreams. Sometimes not.

More as it happens.

Emptiness and then what?

Lots of bases to cover today. Is this a real job ad or a scam? Then, back home and more to cover online. We're doing as much in-person networking as possible. Then at night it's emails and other stuff.

Emptiness is still there. You just sit and don't know what to do.

You try to focus and break things down into tiny segments. However, many things take a tremendous amount of energy. Then you fight symptoms and do everything else. At night, you're totally wiped out. Then, you fight to focus and wake up the next day.

It's exhausting. But it has to come out.

Stay Warm and Keep Your Balance

Symptoms continue to hit hard. Much of the time we're exhausted fighting all the time to maintain some sense of balance. At times we've talked to several sources that we trust. All of them keep saying that yes it's trauma flooding out. It has been that severe for a long time. Now it has to come out (either in a good way or a bad way).

Sometimes we feel paralayzed from despair. We look out the window, we go for a walk, or we just stay in. You have to fight back. We still take a weapon with us when we go out. You have to protect yourself.

Stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. If your intuition says it's bad, odds are it is. Set barriers where needed. Why? Because nobody else will do it for you.

The good news? We're smart enough to know that we still have a problem. Also, we're being as proactive as possible to get help.

Fell free to use this as one way to get yours.

How to find Your Balance

A lot of people talk about ying/yang. The right ph balance in your system. We're still struggling to find ours in many ways:

If you're a therapist, holisitc healer or doctor and know the answers to these questions, please post a comment:

Can too much acidic content destroy seratonin?
Can gluten affect a lot of conditions (everything from cancer to ADHD to PTSD)?
Does PTSD ever go away?
How do you cope with PTSD blackouts when one of your multiples takes over?
How do you survive violent flashbacks?
Do you take a weapon with you when you go out?
Do you feel like you're carrying everyone's trauma?
Does the physical pain of being raped ever go away?
What type of therapy has helped you (if you're a survivor)?

Feel free to post a comment. You don't have to do anything. However, we know that you're out there all over the world. If you post something, think of it as collective consciousness.

Just an idea.

Violent Symptoms

Not sure why. But lately we've been having violent PTSD symptoms. Lots of anger, dissociating and flahsbacks.

Now, why? Is it because it's only trauma flooding out? Is it because our blood sugar level is messed up? Is it because one or more of my multiples is lashing out? I'm not sure.

Our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really rough to handle. It feels like there's a block and you have to fight and push to get anger out, or you'll black out. You do, and then you have to do again. It's like an endless loop. Do that and everything else that you have to do in the day. Then you're totally wiped out. On the other hand, you have to get it out.

Flashbacks are sick and horrible. You can't just go with your feelings. You have to fight back. It's also hard at times to find positive things that have happened. Many times when you do you then get hit with millions of images and other horrible stuff. At night, you're afraid to go to sleep. Will you wake up? Will one of your multiples take over instead? What will you do then?

Our key right now is balance. We still do our tai chi and meditation at night. That combination usually helps to feel a little more centered. At other times, we feel like we're going to snap.

Then again, trauma has to come out.

Scream and try to focus (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Still sticking to the holistic diet. Despite that, symptoms are still there. Physical pain is still there as well.

It's a wide range of things:
anal pain
scary flashbacks and lucid dreams
Fighting to get the anger out past the blocked fight-or-flight mechanism
The psycho pedophile trying to go down on you.
Screaming to be heard.

Despite that, my multiples, little kid and I all trust each other. You just can't go with your feelings. It doesn't work.

You have to fight back.

Just One Day with No Symptoms

Lots of cleaning up today. Also, we're really trying to stick to a holistic diet as possible. It really feels like too much acidic food, gluten and other stuff makes symptoms worse.

This means rethinking what used to be second nature. Now, what else can we eat or drink? If you're sensitive to this, does that mess up your ph balance and even neurons in your brain as well? Some studies say that gluten is tied to everything from ADHD to Tourette's and more. Soy can lead to the early onset of dementia and Parkinson's.

We just want some sense of balance. Just five minutes of being able to focus on something and not feel like we're being bombarded with tons of stimulus from other sources.

Can your system be that stressed out from trauma?

Post Thanksgiving

We still have some leftover turkey and other snacks in the kitchen. How long will they last? In a holiday weekend, you be the judge.

Still making changes in the diet. Soy is another thing that makes symptoms worse. Now that means:

No salt
No sugar
No caffeine
No soy
Basically no chemicals

Why is dissociating still a problem? Is it because the trauma is so severe that's the only defense mechanism? I can't think of anything else. It's really exhausting to fight all the time just to focus for at least five minutes.

We still feel empty at times. Despair is still there and we feel almost paralyzed. What do you do?

We'd like one day with no symptoms. Just like any other trauma survivor.

Holiday Balance

Here it is. The day before Thanksgiving. If you live in another part of the world, watch out for any Americans in your neighborhood. They'll eat and drink too much and talk endlessly about football and other stuff. Just smile, nod when necessary and they'll pick up the tab. Works practically every time.

Got some bad news two days ago. An attorney told us that because the statute of limitations has run out in our rape case, there's no way to file criminal or civil charges. This means that the psycho pedophiles who raped us (one's dead and the other one might be) and the parents who did nothing got off totally free. This means that the only thing left to do is to try and go back to a new therapist.

There's still anger and frustration. There's still a question of does anybody care (other than a therapist or a crisis line person). Also, protecting yourself at all costs.

The good news? A job interview yesterday that might lead to a second one at that particular place. We'll see.

Have a nice day.

Sunday Ideas

We're still getting assaulted with symptoms. One thing that's getting worse is at times not knowing where we are. We try to focus on solid things in the room or the area we're in. Tactile sensations to focus on instead of flashbacks. Is this a problem because for so long it feels like no one wants to come near us? No reassurances of any type? If I touch you than maybe I'll get raped too? It's ridiculous, but the thought is there.

Lots of deep breathing and trying to focus. Sick flashbacks and lucid dreams still come out of nowhere. Is it one of my multiples lashing out? Or, is it something else?

Maybe it's the terror is being abandoned and nobody caring.

Cover Lots of Ground

How much can you multitask? Cleaning, writing and lots more to come. Isn't a personal assistant supposed to do all this stuff?

We're trying some new sources to see if they can help us with symptoms and possibly getting victim compensation. How much and from where? We're not sure. Then again, there's always the possibility of missing that one step that could lead to it?

What's fair compensation for being robbed, laughed at and treated like dirt? You be the judge.

It is Friday(Contains strong content. Read at your own risk)

More screaming and fighting to focus and not dissociate all the time. At times we feel like we're getting bombarded with nonstop flashbacks and lucid dreams. Physical pain still happens as well.

Another rough part is abandonment. The feeling of, does anyone care at all? You hear survivor's worst fears:

It's your fault
You fix it
Don't waste my time with this garbage
Go freak out somewhere else
And so on

We didn't ask for this. However, it's our responsibility? Ok. Then, you no longer have the right to use double standards. Please don't insult our intelligence by one minute saying you care. Then, piss off and go away.

You feel paralyzed and totally empty. What do you do?

We're Not Kidding. Screen Everything (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Staying in right now as we catch up on writing and defragging our hard drive. However, no TV this afternoon. There's literally nothing to watch. Bono's right. Not all, but a lot of Stateside TV is shit.

Why? One reason is because triggering stuff is rampant. Nobody seems to notice or to care. This means that for all trauma survivors, nobody will protect you. You have to do it yourself.

Screen everything. If you don't have to watch/read/listen to/buy it, don't. Do something else. It would be nice to be able to save the world. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Your protection comes first.

Our symptoms are still there. Physical pain is still a problem. Also, graphic lucid dreams. Anal pain, pain in your groin, severe pain in your penis. The psycho pedophile laughing as you scream. Nobody will hear you. I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed.

Time is frozen. You can't move. You want to kill them. But your body won't respond.

Will anybody listen or help?

How come nobody's there?

Does anybody care?

Trauma Survivors Deserve to Be Heard

Here it is, a really high stress level. Triggering stuff is everywhere. Please screen EVERYTHING to be safe. We won't list all of it here, because that wouldn't be helpful.

Instead, some points to keep in mind:

Regardless of the trauma, all survivors deserve to be heard.
It's not your fault.
PTSD is an emotional problem with lots of elements to it.
You're not a case file in some therapist's office. You're a human being that deserves respect.
What's more important? Listening to survivors? Or, protecting the rich and powerful who
"allegedly" knew about rape and did nothing?
Why do many people say "sexual abuse" and not rape? Would you ask a woman rape survivor
when were you sexually abused? Isn't that like saying when were you interrogated with enhanced
techniques?
Do the rich and powerful who protect pedophiles ever lose any sleep at night?
Why won't people listen to little kids and others who were raped?
Does PTSD ever completely go away?
What would someone else do if they were raped? Would they turn to you because you're an
"expert" on the subject?
You have to protect yourself at all costs.
Do the rich and powerful who protect pedophiles ever have nightmares about being raped?
Do they wake up in the middle of the night screaming and not knowing where they are?
If a little kid is raped and no one will listen or help, what are they supposed to do?
If you're not famous and you were raped by a pedophile, do you deserve to be heard?
Does the world care about trauma survivors? Or, do they just want you to shut up and go away?

Please pass this onto everyone that you think it will help. Also, everyone that you believe needs
to know what surviving trauma is really like.

Fighting for a Sense of Balance

How's your day? Here, it seems like there's some balance. We still have to fight symptoms. However, it's a feeling that you're on the right track.

Keep your p/h balance ok. The anger has to come out. It's not perfection. It's balance.

Back to covering bases.

How's Your Balance?

Finally time to kick back. Some writing to do tonight. Other than that, trying to keep our balance as best we can. At times, lots of anger and symptoms are still there. One part of the problem was eating some stuff that had gluten in it (and we didn't realize it). Gluten definately affects your seratonin level and can make your symptoms worse (in our opinion).

The other thing is a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. We still have to fight to get past that block and feel like we can get anger out and then have some sense of balance. Either that or black out. What happens then if we come to and we don't know where we are?

At times we just rock back and forth and look outside or watch something safe on TV. That and some limeade seems to help also.

Enjoy your extra hour as clocks go back one hour here. Hopefully the same in your part of the world.

Rough Night/Better Day

Not much sleep at all last night. It was like all of the trauma, anger, frustration and the rest of it hit all at once. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Will anybody EVER listen or care?

The other part of it? Maybe somehow inadvertantly we shut out our bad side. We all have our good and bad sides, and battle that every day. Maybe we shut that out which in turn made symptoms worse? Now, there's lots of backed up anger, frustratio and sick racist and other crap as well. I'd like to think I'm anything but a psycho racist whatever that's going to kill everybody I see. However, the anger is there.

The idea then is to recognize that it's there. As long as you know that's not you and you have no desire to act out on that in any way, then that's a healthy way of dealing with it.

Any suggestions?

Fight Thru It(Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A really scary morning. We felt like we were going to disappear. The anger, frustration and trauma is blocked. You feel like you have to fight thru a block (your stuck fight-or-flight mechanism), or you'll snap. The more you fight, the worse it gets.

Then, you feel almost like you're trapped. You in a maze and if you don't find your way out, you never will. Then, just as you feel like you'll black out you find an opening and fight your way back.

How often does this happen to you?

At times it feels like nonstop dissociating. It's like two parallel realities. You only want to focus on one thing and have some sense of relief. However, it keeps going. Is it because of a long time of nonstop dissociating (which means it's second nature)? Is it because your body chemistry is messed up? Or, is it due to something else?

You feel stuck and like you're an empty shell. Will anybody listen?

Now, it feels like we have some sense of balance again. At times though, we're still scared to go to sleep at night.

Fighting for Every Inch of Stability

Lots of errands and fighting symptoms along the way. Acidic stuff in your diet does make symptoms worse. It depletes your seratonin and maybe other things as well.

When you fight to not black out from flashbacks or physical pain, are you scared that maybe you will black out and never come back?

Horrible Flashbacks and More(contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Lots of nightmares last night. Then, suddenly you open your eyes, and you don't know where you are. Are we at home, or somewhere else? Is anyone else here?

You don't know what to do. Do you get out of bed? Is it safe to do that? Will you have to scream and fight to not black out? This way you have some sense of being awake? Or, will something else happen?

Then, you feel empty. What do you do next? What's real and what's not?

A nice lunch has helped a little bit. Now, just focus and take things in tiny segments.

How's your day?

Balance

A scary start this morning. Lots of dissociating and we had to fight really hard to get out of that loop. Do you feel like you'll get trapped in it and never escape?

Caffeine still aggravates symptoms. We don't know where we are, and we have almost no control. Is it one of my multiples screaming to be heard? Is it endless flashbacks where we have to fight back all the time? Do you have to just lie down in the middle of the day because you're wiped out from fighting symptoms?

We're not going to off ourselves. Also, emptiness still hits as well. When it does, we turn everything off and just look out the window. We're just trying to keep our balance.

Turn the Triggering Stuff Off and Focus

Lots of places to cover online today. Turn the triggering stuff off and then maybe some online tunes to help.

We're still screaming and fighting to focus when we wake up. Is a combination of diet and keeping your blood sugar level even helping to focus better? At times we feel like a diabetic as we constantly watch this.

Don't watch the triggering stuff unless you have to. Those people are nuts.

Lots of Ground to Cover

We're covering more now in online applications and resumes. The bad part? More scams on lots of sites. Which means it can slow things down even more.

Another part of this is just a feeling of emptiness. We try not to dwell on it. Instead, just try to focus on other things and keep going. However, at times it's really rough to handle. Many of our trauma sources say that it's trauma flooding out. You feel like every single thing hits you all at once. You fight really hard to hold onto any positive things that have happened. Because at times it feels like almost nothing positive has happened.

How do you keep your balance?

Lots of Emptiness (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Staying in for a while to catch up on online applications and more. No caffeine. Also, can we handle any sugar at all? Or, does the tiniest amount set off tremors and other symptoms?

Despair at times is really crippling. You know you exist. However, you feel like a empty shell. The smallest things take a huge amount of energy to do. You won't off yourself. On the other hand, by the time you get to dinner, you feel totally wiped out.

How do you cope with the full terror of the trauma that happened to you? Does it still flood out? Do you have lucid dreams in the middle of the day? When was the last time you blacked out?

If we don't get the anger out, we feel like we're going to literally snap. Dissociating will get worse and then we'll just literally vanish.

Will anyone care?

It's Really Draining

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying not to snap because of anger. Lots of driving around, screaming and fighting to not black out. Now, we'll stay home for a while and keep all the triggering stuff off.

Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. It takes enormous effort to focus and try to get the anger out. It's like there's a barrier there and you have to keep pushing to get past it to try and get it out. If you stop, then dissociating gets worse. Now, do that all day long AND everything else you have to get done.

We don't have a choice. At times, we do think about going to the roof of our building or somewhere else. What happens if we did jump? We won't, because we won't give them the satisfaction. Then again, what else can we do?

Protect yourself at all costs.

An Overview

Time to stay in for a while and kick back. We're officially taking a break from as much triggering stuff as possible  (unless we have to look because of work). Everybody has their point where they say enough. And we've reached ours.

Instead, focus on positive things. If you're new to this blog, thanks for checking us out. It's a mix of holistic information. Diet, exercise, a mix of links and more to give you an idea of what the daily struggle is like to fight PTSD symptoms (regardless of the trauma you're dealing with). If you want the standard "Health and Human services think tank version" of PTSD, please go elsewhere. Here, it's very raw at times. However, if we lie there's no point in writing this. We try to put disclaimers where we can. Then again, you can't please everybody all the time. Hope you understand.

What's in the links? Studies, music clips, a beautiful sunset. A total mix to hopefully help to give you some sense of calmness as you're fighting to regain your balance. The crisis centers we list have to meet certain criteria:

Do they have staff trained in dealing with PTSD clients?
Do guy rape survivors freak them out?
If someone has PTSD but isn't a vet, can they handle it?

The last thing someone in crisis needs is to be judged or blown off. Then, have even more stress to deal with. If you know of helpful crisis centers, let us know. However, keep in mind we have final say over who we link to. The last thing we need is to be bought out or controlled by someone else. It won't happen.

Finally, please link us everywhere you can. Also please, NO SPAM LINKS. Frankly, you know you'll get deleted. So why waste your time and ours doing it to begin with? Don't do it.

Check out the new links and thanks for the time.

Lots of Anger

Flashbacks and lots of anger are flooding out. We go out and wonder if we'll make it back. Lots of emptiness and wondering what to do.

We turn things off and just sit. Focus on the sound in the room. No noise. Yet, at times that doensn't help. We still get hit with violent flashbacks, body pain and lucid dreams.

We have to fight back. Will we ever have a symptom free day?

Too Hard to Focus

Lots of painful flashbacks and other symptoms. At times it actually hurts to try and focus. We scream and fight to not snap. We can't fall apart. If we do, we'll feel like we just take up space.

No noise. Just quiet. A nice shower. Then sit out on the balcony. Anything else is too painful.

If You Can't Screen it, then Hire Someone to Do It for You

Maybe we need new filters on our laptop or something. It seems like the amount of triggering stuff has gone way up. This makes it really challenging to get necessary information and not endanger yourself in any way. Some say it's going to get much worse. We just try to stay away from that and focus on our balance.

Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need to do this? If no, go somewhere else. Do you have times when it feels like literally there are a million decisions to make (even if you're not that busy that day)? If we go this way, endless dissociating. That means go the other way. It can also mean throwing out a lot of junk that only causes flashbacks and other symptoms.

There's still fear and the terror of being abandoned. How do you deal with that?

Do You Feel Left Out? (Contains poentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

When anyone says PTSD, almost always it's about vets or vets who've returned. Rarely is anyone else who has PTSD from some trauma mentioned.

Why?

Is it because it doesn't fit a nice neat soundbite? Is it because we just don't talk about things like that during prime time news? Is it because nobody really cares ?

To many, a guy rape survivor is their worst nightmare. Despite that, do they stop to consider that survivors never asked to be survivors? They never asked to go thru all of that pain, humiliation and (in many cases) a lifetime of torment?

You won't hear about it on the MSM. You won't hear about it from any politician. You won't hear about it on your favorite progressive talk show. However, if a celebrity talk about it, instantly it's THE NEWS.

Which is why we speak out here. We have to keep it mutually anonymous and so far, it seems to be building.

If you find a place to link us where it doesn't threaten your security, fine. Protection comes first.

Still lots of anger and frustration.

Sunny and Lots of Anger

Eating a nice light lunch as we write this. It's sunny, but there's also a lot of anger as well. We still have to scream and fight to focus when we get up in the morning.

Why is that? Is it because trauma is still flooding out? Is it because we're not taking enough herbs (B-12, glutamine and others)? Stimulants still make symptoms worse. The tiniest amount of caffeine still leads to violent tremors. Does dissociating get better? Or, does it always stay the same?

There's anger and at times there's fear as well. Can we trust this person or not? Will they break in and try to attack us? We still keep a knife in the room for protection. Flashbacks still happen, and when they do we don't know much of the time where we are.

Will despair always be there?

No Noise for a While

Finally had enough and turned everything off. Just sit, write and set boundaries where necessary.

One rough aspect of PTSD? Trauma is energy trapped in different parts of your body. If triggering stuff happens, it can throw your balance way off. Then you have to fight really hard to regain that. Usually it takes hours and hours to do it. Then how do you other stuff without feeling totally wiped out?

Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. You fight to get anger out without blacking out. You go thru a checkout line and try not to dissociate. Look cool and calm on the outside. On the inside, you're this close to snapping.

It feels like all the trauma's coming out at once. Everyone that treated you like shit is trying to beat you down. You can't just sit and do nothing. Even though it's lucid dreams, you have to fight back. You don't have a choice. If you're not careful, you feel like you're going to vanish. And no one will ever know or care.

Have you ever had a symptom free day?

Be Very Careful (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Almost the Friday lunch hour. What's on the menu today? Maybe leftover veggie spaghetti. With extra tomato paste and hot sauce. Or, some tacos. So many choices. More choices if you're checking what's happening today. We still suggest that you screen everything first, because yes you need to do it.

How do you cope when it feels like everything is caving in on you? One idea is to fight the "change the world overnight" attitude that many trauma survivors have. It's like you're taking on everyone else's trauma in addition to yours. And it's just too much.

Instead, be selective in your battles. Take a tiny part of some issue and work on it that way. Because also, if you do that, quality content will lead to word of mouth advertising. Yes, if you have an ad budget, it does help. However, for the rest of us, do it the other way.

We're really trying to pay attention to our salt and sugar intake. It feels like there's a connection between overdoing these and horrible PTSD symptoms. Until we can afford it, we'll just have to use other sources to find out more.

Have a nice day.

Do What's Necessary to Protect Yourself

Today, dissociating is still tough to deal with. It's like you fight to focus and not black out. Then, it starts again.You feel paralyzed and at times just sit and look out the window. What do you do then?

One answer is do everything you can to protect yourself. Economically and also your overall health. We won't get into all the triggering things happening right now because this isn't yet another progressive political blog. That's for others to deal with.

Instead, try to keep in mind that you have to get trauma out in the most non-threatening way you can. Fight that all day, look for jobs and do everything else you have to do. At the end of the day, what then?

At times anger and terror that feels like it won't stop come out. You scream and try not to black out. Because if you do, what happens then? Will you always  lose your balance and a feel for who you are? Will you just end up an empty shell and ask what's the point? Will you morph into something else and feel like you'll never be able to fight your way back? All common problems for trauma survivors.

Back to it.

The Mind Body Balance

How's your coping going? Despite not being able to go back to a regular therapist, we use other sources to help us out when needed. We're also still following our holistic program to try and cope (diet, exercise, Tai Chi and meditation and more).

Many talk about PTSD. Is it a mental illness? Is it an emotional disorder? We think of it as a problem that you do your best to deal with and heal from. It's not worth the time and effort to try and fit into someone else's idea of what you should be (in our opinion). Instead, try and be as balanced and proactive as you can. Not perfection. But balance.

Does PTSD and trauma ever go away? Just like economists debating qualitative easing, there are lots of opinions on this. Yes, but gradually. No, you're stuck with it. So shut up and go away. And various other ideas.

Our trauma (anger and more) is still coming out. Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. We have to fight to get anger out to the point of almost blacking out. If we don't, we feel like we're just empty. The whole world is trying to beat us down. And we can't have that.

Have you ever had a day without symptoms? A day without hyperawareness and feeling like you have to fight all the time? We haven't. As we're writing this, we have to stop at various times to fight and focus. We have to  fight to get anger out and not dissociate. At times it feels like it's a sample that you can't turn off. You deep breathe and do other grounding stuff. However, it's still there.

What do you do then?

One idea. When you're online, plug in your earphones and try to listen to either white noise or just something safe and non-triggering. Make sure it's pre-screened so it's not a threat. As we come across helpful stuff, we'll post it in the links section.

NOTE: Thanks for the support. We're now read in 35 states and in 20 countries.

What Sources Do You Trust?

It is the weekend. There's literally nothing good on TV. Lots of triggering stuff all over the Net. This means protest yourself at all costs.

Lots of anger today. At times we feel like we're going to snap. Then we're totally exhausted and almost feel like we can't get up and do anything.

Then we have to fight it again.

Aside from a crisis line person that we talk to if necessary (thanks to those that do help us), it feels like literally no one else can be bothered. This is just too freaking weird. Go away.

Does this happen to you? How do you deal with this?

Do you feel like an empty shell? You go thru the daily stuff that you have to do. Inside though, you almost feel like nothing's there. At night, you're too wiped out to do anything. The next day, it's the same thing all over again.

Have you ever thought about suicide? We would never do that and give them the satisfaction. At times though it comes to mind.

We just try to keep our balance as best we can.

NOTE: Thanks for the support. Everything here is free. We only ask one thing in return. Please link us everywhere you can. NO SPAM LINKS (buy gold now, Obama is a Socialist Muslim who's going to destroy the country, and so on). Only legitimate ones, please.

Lots of Ups and Downs

It really is Friday. Another day of screaming to focus as you try to wake up. Then, how do you keep your balance duing the day? Trauma survivors are very suseptible to chemical changes (junk food, caffeine and other stuff). You fight to keep your focus and not snap. If dissociating happens, at times you don't know where you are. At other times, depression is severe.

It's trauma flooding out. Also, we're smart enough to know that we have to get it out. If we don't, we'll just fall apart. You feel like an empty shell and then say, what's the point? Anger still lashes out as well. We don't have a  gun at home because it's too expensive. But we do still keep a knife at home and take it with us hidden in our bag if necessary. Why? Because we feel safe with it.

You have to fight back. You just can't sit back and go with your feelings.

Do you still have flashbacks? Do you have lucid dreams of being raped? Do you have horrible visions of dying and nobody cares? We do.

One good thing. It's three weeks now with no caffeine. And there's definately a connection between that and your adrenal glands.

Protect yourself at all costs.

A Really Long Day

Looks like sometime soon we'll have to upgrade to a new laptop. In the meantime we bought some extra hardware that let us keep going.

Fighting symptoms all day long as well which makes for a really exhausting day. At night, we're doing meditating for about 20 minutes (on a good night). However, symptoms are still there.

We just try to keep our balance and set boundaries where needed. Nobody else will do it for you. Then, break it down into tiny segments and see what happens.

Almost Friday.

More Emptiness

Almost done for the night. There's still emptiness that happens and leaves you not sure what to do. My multiples and liitle kid feel sad because there's nobody there to listen or help. When they're confused about this, how do you say something other than, I don't know why?

We just turn things off, rock back and forth or just go for a walk. Lots of triggering stuff seems to be everywhere. At times I have to reassure them that it's okay to do this or to go someplace. However, it is tough to trust people at face value.

We still have to scream to get anger out so our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism can be dealt with. If we don't, the emptiness gets even worse.

What do you do then?

Ying and Yang

It's a common idea in marital arts, holistic medicine and many cultures. Try to maintain a good balance overall.

How's your balance these days? We're doing our best to keep ours. The battle continues.

Latenight Symptoms

Depression comes and goes. Emptiness and other symptoms are still there. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is also a problem. You scream and fight to focus.

If you black out, what happens when you come to?

Symptoms are Still There

Covering a lot of ground now with the cover letters and applications. It's also spend some time on networking and a study hour. Can't afford to go back to school right now? Do the next best thing.

Almost a week now with no caffeine. We really think that it raises your cortisol level and messes up your adrenal glands. This in turn makes symptoms worse. It's all in the balance.

The emptiness is still there. However, we just try to keep moving.

Take it in Tiny Segments

Lots of bases to cover in job hunting. Aside from that, lots of triggers to stay away from as well.

At various times, we just want to turn everything off and just sit. Listen to the wind blowing or people just walking by. The bad part is that flashbacks and lucid dreams happen (usually at the worst times). How do handle it when you're trying to focus and you feel like you're THIS CLOSE to snapping? You don't want to go off on others. You don't want to go on a rampage and then get the death penalty. Parts of society tell you that you need to get help. Then, the same people want nothing to do with you.

How do you cope with this?

It feels at times like the full terror of being raped hits you all at once. A billion images hit and nobody's there to listen, care or help in any way.

Do you still scream as you fight to not black out?

Do you feel like anybody cares?

Has anybody ever given you a reassuring hug? Other than our therapist, one person has ever done that. What effect does practically no physical contact or reassurance have on trauma survivors? We've never been able to find a study that really explains this. If you know or know of one, let us know.

Back to the cover letters.

How's Your Balance Today?

Catching up on more online before it's time for lots of errands. Some new job leads which means split your time between online apps and then showing up in person. That way you possibly stop some objections from the management.

We still have to fight to wake up and focus in the morning. The despair is still there as well. Which means one way to cope is to just try and stay focused on other things. It doesn't mean just bury the despair and your balance falls apart. Just try to cope overall.

Have a good day.

All in Tiny Segments

Fighting emptiness all day long. Some say set it aside and concentate on other stuff. Others say face it head on.

Flashbacks and physical pain still happen. Lately, it's been anal pain. The lucid dreams are usually some pedophile trying to go down on you or pin you in one spot. If you say anything, no one will believe you, and I'll kill you. So why fight?

No one's there to help you. All you hear from them is don't blame us. It's your fault, so you fix it.

Naturally, we fight back with whatever weapon we can. Then we have to fight our way back to some sense of balance. Now, do that about one hundred times a day and then everything else you have to do.

Not all but many want nothing to do with it. This isn't a "crisis". So please just shut up and go away. Leave this line open for people with "real" emergencies.

At times, offing ourselves comes to mind. However, we won't give them the satisfaction.

Still can't go to a new therapist due to money. The last free one we talked to probably thinks we're crazy. I told him about my multiples and little kid. Then it was the "you have 25 multiple personalities. Right......" response.

Did we ask for this? No. When was the last time you met someone who didn't judge you because you're a trauma survivor? We don't fit a nice neat catagory. Which usually means just go away.

Like it or not. All trauma survivors deserve to be heard.

No Noise. Just Focus.

No TV, no radio, nothing. Just drinking our tea and focusing on balance.

We're really trying to take things in small segments. Set aside the triggering stuff, and just deal with small bits and pieces. The hard part is that you try to do that and fight symptoms all day long. Like all trauma survivors, different things come to mind:

Am I always going to be stuck with this?
Does any therapist really know what they're talking about?
Have I been totally robbed of any happiness in my life because of something that's not my fault?

Odds are none of the above are true. However, that still doesn't mean that those concerns don't come to mind at various times.

At times there's lots of emptiness. Millions of flashbacks bombard us and sometimes we don't know where we are. You try deep breathing, holding onto solid things and other grounding techniques. Despite all of that, maybe that doesn't work. What do you do then?

More tea and then time for some meditation on the balcony.

Lots of Emptiness

After we finish this, time for a shower and to just sit there. Turn everything off and just try to get our balance back.

We're feeling really empty right now. it's like the full terror of being raped and having PTSD hits you all at once. It also feels like almost no one either wants to listen or can be trusted. We don't fit into a nice neat catagory (returning vet with PTSD who's entitled to the following list of services). Which means in many cases we don't know what to do with you. A guy rape survivor? What's that? And other strange situations.

Everything takes a tremendous amount of energy. We feel like we're fighting to not dissociate all day long. Then, we have everything else to do as well. Almost nothing is safe to listen to, read or watch.

At times, do you feel like you'll be scarred for life?
Do you like like the "mental illness" PTSD label will always be there?
Do you wonder if you'll ever have a symptom free day?

Late Night Stuff (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Even though it's late here, screen everything. A tough day today fighting dissociating. It's non-stop trying to focus and maintain your balance. He'll kill us.

A constant battle against physical pain of being raped. The psycho rapist wants to go down on you.  You f*****g kill him first or he'll kill us. No one's going to help us. Just "going with your feelings" means we'll snap and die. Do we really want to feel like a f*****g piece of meat again? Do we really want time to slow down and feel terrified that we can't move?

At times we feel like we're going to snap in two. We scream all day long and fight to not black out. How do you look cool and calm on the outside and not snap?

Triggers are everywhere. How do you protect yourself?

Fighting to Focus

Lots of triggering stuff is happening today. Be very careful and screen everything.

As for symptoms, we've been fighting dissociating all day. Do that and deal with everything else. At the end of the day, what do you do then?

The only thing we can do is fight back. We can also screen everything because at times it feels like nobody's listening or caring. That's out of our hands. Which means go somewhere else.

Screen everything and protect yourself. Because nobody else will.

How to Cope When Reaching Out for Help

All trauma survivors deal with different things. Histories, symptoms and healing rates. That being said, everyone's different as they deal with trying to get help at certain times. How do you do handle this when it feels like no one wants to listen to you?

Because of the lousy global economy (call it what it is. A depression), budget cuts continue to hit mental health support networks. This means one or all of these could happen.

A crisis line might tell you sorry, but we only can help people in our local area. For long term therapy, you need to see a therapist in your area. Some might have a problem with guy rape survivors and try to blow you off.

How do you cope with this when it happens? We understand that like other professionals, therapists don't like to be ripped off for free therapy. However, how do you define "support"? How do you define "getting help when necessary"? You feel like you have a crisis and need to get help. Just having someone listen can in many cases be a big help.

What happens if you try several places and nobody wants to listen? Where do you go then?

At various times, we try to link to sources that we feel will be helpful and not judgemental in any way. Beyond you clicking on a link, we have no control over what happens next. If you can suggest a link or have problems with one listed, let us know. Even with no personal assistant, we still manage to cover things.

Have a nice day.

Lots of Changes

Be patient as we continue to add new stuff here. Still no personal assistant. Which means we have to do everything. It's the economy.

Lots of anger and at times it's tough to focus. We're taking lots of breaks and almost everything is off. What's next?

How's Your Balance (Originally posted 6/27)

First, a nice cool bath to try and get our alkaline balance back. Now, if we can just stay away from the cookies.

How's your balance? We still feel empty at times and fight to take things in small segments. Almost all content these days is way too triggering. We screen everything and carefully pick our battles. Also, we still fight dissociating as well.

What's your worst symptom (if there is one)? For us, dissociating is still really exhausting. You fight to not black out and to cope with everything else you have to do. Anger is still there and also the terrifying feeling that you're going to snap. Horrible flashbacks happen and if you don't fight back you'll fall apart.

We've never found a better way to deal with this. But we have to keep going.

Almost Unpacked (Originally posted on 7/18)

Sorry to be offline for a while. But we're in a new place and almost unpacked. It's a downsized version of the last one. However, it's more comfortable and has a huge balcony. Overall, very nice.

Symptoms have also been rough to handle as well. Dissociating, flashbacks and some physical pain at times. You have to fight back so you don't snap. You also have to deal with everything else at the same time. This means driving and fighting not to black out. Crippling despair from feeling like the world could care less. What other choice do you have?

Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? Do you keep a weapon in the room to feel safe? We still do that at times. Even though the doors are locked, that doesn't matter. You have to protect yourself.

Does trauma still come flooding out? In our case it does. We don't know all of the underlying reasons. But it's there. We can't afford to go back to a therapist. Which means use other sources in the meantime for help.

Protect yourself at all costs.

You Have to Fight Back (Originally posted on 6/22)

Listening to game 2 of the NBA Finals online. We're saying Miami by 10.

We're also fighting dissociating and other symptoms. It feels like we have to fight to not vanish. If we don't, it feels like we'll fall apart and nobody will care.

When flashbacks happen, do you always know where you are? What grounds you?

Despair still happens. It's a feeling of abandonment. Will anyone ever show up for this? You look in every direction, but nobody ever comes.

It's a Global Thing (Originally posted on 6/22)

Welcome to our global PTSD blog. Thanks for the growing support and please spread the word about us. UNLESS it endangers your healing from trauma in some way.

More fun moving stuff and trying to cope with symptoms. The despair is there and at times we just turn everything off and sit and look out the window. We still censor everything because it needs to be.

We just try to keep in mind that it's not our fault. Set boundaries and do what's necessary to protect yourself.

Maintain Your Focus (Originally posted on 6/16)

Lots of bases to cover (car repairs, job hunting and more). Some good news. Refunds in a few places will help in the move.

The other? More of fighting symptoms and trying not to black out. The full terror of being raped still comes out (many times at the worst times). These days we alway take a weapon with us in our bag when we leave the house (right now, a knife). We looked into getting a gun. Then we thought, someone with PTSD having a gun? Not a good idea. On the other hand, you have to protect yourself. Even if it's a lucid dream, that doesn't matter. You have to fight back.

Despair at times is crippling. We turn everything off and just sit by the window in the living room. Or, we go out on the balcony and just sit and listen to the wind in the trees. We won't give them the satisfaction and off ourselves. But also, you have no control over other's bhavior (unless you're the boss). You then have to set boundaries and protect yourself. You're not obligated to just sit and be treated like s**t.

Keep Your Focus (Originally posted 6/5)

How's your weekend? Staying up late as we catch up on some writing and other stuff.

Dissociating is still a problem. Also hyperawareness, flashbacks and anger. How do you focus? How do you keep yours with everything happening in the world?

Part of it for us is screening everything and throwing out some junk that was really triggering. Deal with it in segments. If you can make some money out of it (who doesn't need extra money), great. If not, throw it out.

Another part of it is my multiples, little kid and I talk as much as possible. I don't always have the answer to all of their questions. However, that's ok. We reassure each other as much as possible.

Protect yourself at all costs.

Off for a While

Sorry to be offline. We've been busy with password databases and trying to avoid triggering stuff. It literally feels like other than baseball or football, there's nothing safe to watch anymore. Other than music, it's the same thing on radio.

Why is this happening? We're not sure. However, we follow the "be selective in fighting your battles" approach in activism. Your protection comes first. Not singlehandedly saving the world.

We're staying in tonight and the doors are locked. We have our lemonade and are trying to avoid a latenight snack. Aside from that, we still keep a knife in the room because we feel safer with it. Sick twisted lucid dreams and flashbacks happen. Physical pain from being raped still happens. Try fighting off some psycho that wants to go down on you and then stab you fifty times a day. Then, all the other things you have to do.

You don't have a choice but to fight back. Just "going with your feelings" doesn't work. If it helps you, great. It doesn't help us though.

Lots of people tell you you need to get help. Just don't be around me.

You scream and at times feel like you're going to snap. However, you have to get the anger out. How do you cope with that?

At times we feel empty and just turn everything off. Then we go sit out on our balcony and just listen to the quiet outside. You feel like you have to set boundaries because it's too much to handle.

Do you still feel bombarded by stimulus all the time? What helps you to stay centered? Feel free to post comments.

FAQ

Like the new header pic? We're trying to update here as much as possible. The new one is world class drummer Steve Gadd. Name a hit  and he's probably played on it.

For new readers here, thanks for the support. Now, some answers to frequently asked questions:

How many people in the States have some form of PTSD?- Roughly ten percent.

How many rape survivors are there and how do the numbers break down?- For little kids, two out of eight girls and one out of six boys are raped. For others, the percentage is still slightly higher women versus men. However, men survivors do exist. No one wants to admit that. But they're there.

Why do most people say "sexual abuse" and not rape?- One reason is legalese. Another reason is that the MSM thinks that it's somehow less shocking or upsetting. "Rape" is such a disturbing, scary word. We can't have that (especially at dinnertime). Much better to say sexual assault.

Now, tell that to a rape survivor. Not saying rape (in our opinion) is frankly insulting. If a woman got raped, would you somehow try to demean her in some way? It's not "rape". There's "rape" and then there's "rape rape". And other idiotic crap.

Does anyone not understand then why so many people (emphasis on people) who are raped don't come forward? Would YOU come forward and put up with this shit?

What do you do if others don't believe you or don't seem to care?- It's scary and sad when that happens. What we've found is that you're not responsible for them. They have to deal with the consequences of what they say and do. Not you or anyone else. What else can you do but protect yourself?

More soon.

It's All in the Balance

The late night snack tonight? Peanut butter and orange juice. Hopefully the protein will balance out with the sugar rush.

More emptiness at times throughout today. You know you have things to do. But it takes a huge amount of energy to do them. Everything still has to be screened. It seems like more and more sources that used to work for information can't be trusted anymore. What are you gonna do?

Fight because you don't have a choice. Just sitting back and "going with your feelings" doesn't work. If we don't fight back, we feel like we're going to snap.

Our tolerance for sugar is almost gone. In the morning, it's one glass of juice. Then, lots of water and green tea. Lemon juice mixed with the water seems to help balance the p/h levels. Also, it seems like nobody's ever examined this in a study. Hopefully we're not giving somebody an idea for a future bestseller by mentioning this.

Does your fight-or-flight mechanism get stuck? We still have to fight everyday to feel like we have some sense of balance? Then, you have to fight again.

Do lucid dreams and flashbacks happen? They still hit us (usually at the worst times). Many times it's some psycho rapist trying to pin us down. Going down on us as we scream to fight back and nobody listens and nobody cares. Then, you fight your way back to reality. After that, you have to fight again.

Have you ever blacked out and then come to and not know where you are? It's been a while since that's happened.

All we want is a sense of balance.

Lots to Talk About

How's the weekend (unless it's already Monday in your time zone)? Which makes this kind of a silly opening.
Lots of triggering stuff everywhere you look. What helps you to keep your balance?

For us, prioritizing is one key. What do you have to watch, read or listen to? Do you really have to read this, or not? This weekend it was literally like everything was triggering. There was no safe place to go (other than your favorite CD's). Have you found safer sources to help you keep up with the world?

Another key is sources that you trust. While we're all for trauma survivors getting help, be very cautious in where you go. Sounds obvious, but it's important for this reason. Unfortunately, not everybody is who they say they are. Even at some crisis centers or trauma forums online. We've had several nasty experiences with many who didn't want us around for no valid reason. A well-known trauma forum for rape survivors has two administrators who are pedophiles. For various reasons, we won't name them here. However, we checked this out with a source that we trust and they confirmed that yes, two pedophiles are in charge of this site.

Does this mean trust no one? No. It just means don't take anything at face value. Do your homework before you expose yourself to a potentially dangerous environment.

If we get into specific triggers, this will turn into yet another progressive political blog. There are more than enough of those as it is. We're really trying to stick to only trauma related issues to be as helpful as possible.

We still have to scream and fight to focus when we wake up. Dissociating is still there. Also, at times real emptiness. You exist and you know you have to keep moving forward. Yet, the tiniest things take enourmous amounts of energy. Which means at the end of the day what do you do then?

Latenight Comments

How's your week? Up late tonight and catching up on some writing.

Every day is a real battle. We have to scream and fight to focus when we wake up. Then, we drink some glucose to try and feel some sense of balance. If we eat too late the night before, you wake up feeling run down. What's the right balance? We're still looking for it.

Then, it's fight symptoms all day long. We finally finished our move from Windows XP to 7. Much faster and smoother transitions between windows. Now it's back to job hunting and the other  stuff.

We still keep a weapon with us to feel safe. If we go into many stores with no scanners at the entrance, we'll take it in because hyperawareness is still there. Every other person is a psycho rapist that wants to rape us in the aisle and then  kill us. Odds are that's not really true. Then again, you have to protect yourself.

Every day we feel like we're getting bombarded with flashbacks. Our intuition says it's trauma flooding out. Which also means get it out in the most non-threatening way possible.

We're at home. No one else is here and the doors are locked. Despite that, we have a knife in the room because we feel safer with that. When we try to go to sleep, we keep a knife at the foot of the bed. Again, to feel safe.

Do you ever pass out from fighting symptoms all day? What helps you to keep going? For us, it's the fact that we literally have no other choice. If you don't, you'll fall apart.

What else are we supposed to do?

Keeping Your Balance for the Day

Your question for the day. Who screens your content? Do you use online filters? Do you have the personal assistant? Or, do you just take everything as it happens?

We use filters and our intuition to just say turn it off. At the moment, we're only looking at job hunting stuff, sports scores and holistic material. Literally everything else is off. We won't intentionally trigger you by listing all of this. Safe to say though that at times your system just screams enough. You literally feel like you can't handle it anymore.

If it's your job, that's one thing. If it's not, how do you cope with this? Depending on where you are in your overall healing, you have to protect yourself. The ulgy truth is that the corporate MSM is not your friend in this. The only thing that matters is ratings and profit.

Therefore, strike back in their profit margin. If millions did this, lots of stuff would change. However, we have to keep in mind we're not responsible for this. We can't singlehandedly bring down megacorporations overnight.

Instead, we set up boundaries and politely stick to them. Find other things to watch/read/listen to. Then, see what happens.

Fighting to Hang Onto the Edge

Another really hot day. The pool is too hot to swim in. Good thing we stocked up on tea, lemonade and other stuff.

We feel like we're on the edge in some ways. Finally at times it feels like there's some moments of stability. We still believe that too much acidic stuff in your diet can make symptoms worse. However, you still scream
and have to fight to focus and not black out.

It feels like millions of flashbacks hit you all at once. Sights, sounds and terrifying things come out and you have to fight back to not fall apart. You also have to deal with all the other daily things as well. How do you deal with that?

We can't afford to go back to therapy right now. Which means using other sources in the meantime. We only call a crisis if we absolutely have to. Despite that, many times people don't want to talk to you because in their view it's "not a crisis".

How then do you define a crisis? Is there some checklist that you must meet first before someone will even talk to you? Other than one therapist, we literally feel like no one else has ever really listened in person. Or apparently cared?

What kind of effects does that have on someone? The terror is there at times even though you can look around and see that you're at home. The front door is locked. No one's going to break in and kill you. However, you still feel safer having a weapon close by just in case.

You try not to torture yourself over stuff that you'll never have. You try to keep going in the most positive way that you can. But you still have the fear and symptoms.

Where do you go for help? Do you feel like anyone's paying attention to you? If no one is, how do you cope?

We just try to keep our balance.

How's Your Balance?

We're struggling to try and keep our ph balance to then hopefully control symptoms better. One key? Think of the body and mind as one system. Stress can then lower everything from seratonin and dopamine to affecting your thyroid and other areas as well.

This means changing parts of your diet. Avoid chemicals as much as possible. Also stimulants. Does this mean a boring diet with no fun? No. Just be aware of the effects of things on you and why you're doing it.

For us, lemon juice in water, tea and other things helps the ph balance (it's more alkaline). You just have to experiment to find what's best for you.

New Layout

Bear with us as we add new stuff to the layout.

Who's in the new pic? Cool dude Mickey Hart (Grateful Dead, Planet Drum and other stuff). He's a firm believer in the healing power of rhythm. It can help you to use your chi for healing lots of different problems. We've found that it can be helpful. We all have our bad days. But if you take maybe 15 minutes a day and just pay attention to your body and nothing else, it can help somewhat in coping with symptoms.

Time to Catch Up

Sorry to be offline for a while. Lots of stuff to do and too many passwords to keep track of. It seems to be ok now.

How are your symptoms? In the past few weeks, there's been a lot of despair and being bombarded with flashbacks. Sights, sounds, colors and phrases that set off a chain that you have to fight your way through. On an intuitive level, you don't have a choice. You have to fight back. If you don't, you'll fall apart.

You fight to wake up and focus. Then all day long you keep screaming and trying to stay focused to be able to do everything else. At times you're this close to snapping or blacking out. However, you can't do that. If you don't fight back you'll fall apart.

We can't go back to therapy due to money. Which means new jobs first, stable income. Then go back. We've tried different sources to see if they could give us extra ideas to help us cope. Everyone's saying we're not therapists, so we can't do that. We'll just keep trying other places and see what happens.

The despair and terror is there. On the other hand, we try to keep our balance as best we can. There's no point in torturing yourself over things that you'll never have. That doesn't mean that we're not like every other normal person with emotions and bad days with this. At times, we turn things off and just go sit and look out the window. We reassure each other in different things:

It's not our fault
We can't control what others do and say
We're entitled to be heard

We know all of those things. However, the despair is still there. Other things are there too. Feeling like you're somehow abnormal or damaged (for lack of a better word). So obviously nobody wants anything to do with you.

We know that's not true. But that fear is still there.

How do you cope with that? How do you keep your balance and some sense of normalcy?

Did you know that it's illegal in the States for rape crisis centers to talk about guy survivors in any of their content? If you do, you get no government funding at all. Why in 2011? Who knows.

Does this happen in your area?

Thanks for the growing support. Since we have no ad budget, we're using quality content and word-of-mouth promotion. Please spread the word as much as possible (unless it endangers your safety or overall healing). It would be nice to save the world. First though is your protection.

What's Safe to Deal With?

Sunny and 100F here. With the heat index, make that about 108F. Lucky for us, the pool is about 100 yards away.

Other stuff is close by as well. However, we're turning it all off. Trauma survivors have to ask, is this really necessary for me? Many things are second nature. Then again, is it helping you in any way? If not, reconsider and do something else. See how that goes.

We can't handle our trauma and the rest of the world's at the same time. It's too much. What then? Be selective and fight your battles that way.

Everything has to be screened. We have to fight to keep our balance. What else can we do?

The Effects of Things

It is Friday. Lots of triggering stuff everywhere. Protect yourself as much as possible.

We're trying to pay more attention to the effects of things on our system. Lately, it seems like lots of foods are allergens (in every sense of the word)? Spices. Acidic foods and drinks. Too much sugar (always a bad thing). Are these connected to a high level of cortisol? We're not sure.

Kombucha and white tea helps some in trying to focus. However, symptoms are still there. The despair and dissociating are still rough to handle. So we really try to pay attention to what we do and why we do it.

Do you really have to do something? Or, is it bad second nature?

Covering Bases

Finally unpacked in the new place. Now, it's back to job hunting and other stuff.

Part of our routine is setting boundaries as you cover various bases. Nobody else will protect you. Which means that you have to screen everything (and everyone). Do you feel like you can trust anyone after surviving your trauma? We wish we could, but we can't.

We still have to fight symptoms all the time. Do you black out from dissociating? We haven't for a while. However, it's exhausting to feel like you're barely hanging on.

As you fight to maintain your balance, ask some questions:

Do I really need to do this?
If I don't, is it just second nature? Or, destructive?
Setting boundaries shows that you respect yourself (especially when others don't).
If just going with your feelings helps you, fine. However, that doesn't help us.
All trauma survivors deserve to be heard.

More coming soon.

Late Night Stuff

Sorry to be off for a while. But we finally got everything cleaned and packed. This week, we'll be offline till Friday as we move into the new place. Then, a weekend to chill.

As we close stuff out, symptoms are still there. Dissociating, flashbacks, some physical pain and lots of moments where you don't know what's real and what isn't. We fight symptoms all day long and then we're exhausted at the end of the day. What else can you do but NOT fight back?

How are your symptoms? What helps you to not snap in two? We scream and fight to be aware of solid things and what's real. But we also feel like we're getting assaulted every day.

It's backed up trauma and it has to come out.

Emptiness and Covering Bases

Finally have the move set. By mid July, we'll be in the new place.

Meanwhile, it's tough to get much sleep. Lots of flashbacks and trying hard not to blackout. We have to fight back because if we don't it feels like we'll snap or vanish. It's really debilitating to fight this and cover everything else you have to.

On the other hand, you have to do it.

Are you scared at night when you try to go to sleep? Do you feel like you need to keep a weapon in the room or it carry it on you when you go out? We still need to have one with us because we just feel better.

You have to protect yourself.

How's Your Day?

How's your evening/the next day? Since we are a global blog, we try to include everybody.

The new lease has been signed and we know the new move in date. Now, the usual fun moving stuff. But, we're covering bases in this and in other areas as well.

However, symptoms are still there. Despair is crippling and at times we get bombarded with millions of images of lots of sick people and s**t that they did. We try to hold onto solid things as we scream and fight to focus and not black out.

What other choice do we have?

Covering Lots of Bases

Listening online to Game 6 of the NBA Finals. We're picking Dallas by 4. Right now, they're up by 10.

Took a break today for a while and then caught up on some PTSD research. Some studies say that too much caffeine can cause hallucinations and other problems that could be misdiagnosed as a wide range of things (ADD to various forms of psycosis).

Is that one underlying cause of many of our symptoms? Or, an aggravating factor?

There's a mix of emptiness and despair. Not to the point of us offing ourselves. But it's like you're here and everything takes an enormous amount of energy.

Does this happen to you? Feel free to post comments.

Covering Bases

How's your day? Here it's getting into the mid '90s during the day. The good news is no snow :). We've done our share of digging out of snowdrifts, chiseling your car out of the giant block of ice it turned into and more. No more.

We're still fighting to focus and wake up in the morning. It's a mix of massage all over to get your chi flowing. It's also a matter of diet (no caffeine or sugar the night before). The idea is this. If you drink this the night before, you're up on the high all night. Then you crash and have hypoglycemic symptoms the next morning. Is this one of the biggest problems in PTSD symptoms? Maybe. We've only seen one study on this.

Then, it's fighting all day long to focus. We've thought about offing ourselves in the past. But we won't do it because we won't give them the satisfaction.

What keeps you going? We keep going because just going with your feelings doesn't work. Do you still feel like if you don't fight back the world will beat you down? Everyone that treated you like s**t will just laugh in your face as you fight to not sink down and fall apart? Do you still have violent flashbacks where you either fight or die? Nothing against vets with PTSD. However, we all know that society won't tolerate any talk of guy survivors. Even high ranking people who should know better.

Why won't they talk about it? Is it because the number of guy survivors is so small it doesn't matter? Try telling that to a women rape survivor. How long would this person last? In the responsible world, hopefully not very long. Yet, in the real world probably longer than we think.

We still keep a weapon close by just to feel better. You have to protect yourself.

How do you protect yourself?

Time to Focus

Staying in for a while and catching up on writing and other stuff. Unless it's Game 1 of the NBA Finals, turn everything off (except for good tunes online) and focus on other things.

We're fighting really hard to not black out due to flashbacks. It's like sensory overload and you don't know what's real and what isn't. It's really exhausting to fight to not dissociate. How do you manage to do all of that and everything else?

Any suggestions, feel free to post some comments.

It's a Holiday Weekend

Nice and sunny today. A holiday weekend. If it's not where you are, we have nothing to do with it.

We're really fighting to keep our focus. At times we don't know where we are and have to grab lots of solid things in the surrounding space. You can't just go with your feelings. It doesn't work like that.

Also, it's covering bases and taking things in tiny segments. Keep your balance and do what you can.

We're adding new things to the blog. Bear with us.

Still Setting This Up

Give us some time to set up this new version of the blog. We have new tools and other stuff coming up.

How are your symptoms? We're really working on stability thru a lot of things. One is thru diet. In a sense, it's like a diabetic. They watch their diet and so do we to help deal with symptoms.

Lots of bases to cover. Have a good day.