What Now?

We're still struggling with why do we have this just kill yourself loop inside us? Despite that,
we keep going because what else can we do?

Acting Out Impulses(contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A key question has come up today. I don't have a death wish. I don't want to go on some rampage and kill everyone I see. Yet, that "just shut up and off yourself" thought is there.

Why? Is it one of my multiples? Is it because of endless abuse? Or, is it something else?

I'm not on any meds, and I don't want to go back on them. Also, admitting that the thought of suicide is there but not acting on it is important as well. I can't afford to go to a live therapist. Where then do I go?

It's really tough to try and find positive moments and to hang on to those. Much of the time it's fighting horrible flashbacks and feeling like, is anyone going to listen? We've had to get rid of a lot of triggering material over the past few months. If you can save something and make some money out of it, that's one thing. If not, just toss it.

Fight endless symptoms all day long. Then do everything else that you have to.

Where is this just kill yourself thought coming from? I have no desire to do it. However, I still don't know where it's coming from.

It's Hitting All at Once(Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Ever have the feeling that all of the trauma that you didn't ask for is hitting you all at once? You feel like you have to take things in ten second increments. How do you then get through the next ten? You try to keep your ph balanced so you don't go to an extreme either way and then feel totally depressed. However, it's still there.

It feels like all of the trauma is hitting us at once. Other than two live therapists that helped for a short time, literally almost no one else ever did. You have to fight thru the symptoms and keep your sense of balance. If you don't, you feel like an empty shell. You have no choice.

You try to balance this with everything else you have to do during the day. You also cry and fight to not black out when you pull up to an intersection and everybody seems like a threat. The guy next to us. Is he a psycho rapist that wants to go down on us and then kill us? You have to fight your way out of that and not feel trapped. Flashbacks come out of nowhere. You have to fight to not black out. Are you feeling like you're disappearing into another person? Do you feel like you have no sensation in parts of your body due to adrenalin surges? How do you cope with feeling bombarded with intuition?

Does anybody care?

A Down Day (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Kicking back today for a while as we watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals. Then, more to do for tomorrow.

There's lots of emptiness today. It's a mix of feelings of abandonment and depression. Fight lucid dreams and dissociating. Nobody's attacking us. Nobody's trying to go down on us and then kill us. You have to get anger out and try not to black out. We feel like we're this close to snapping. On the other hand, it has to come out.

Do you still have to screen everything? We do. It's like you're three steps ahead and see everything that's happening, and nobody else does. How do you deal with that?

Hot and Getting Hotter

Outside, sunny and 95F. Inside, trying to stay cool and cover more job leads. No caffeine today, which is a good sign. However, emptiness is still there. It's a nice day, yet you feel like the tiniest thing takes a huge amount of energy.

Why? In the morning, we sit and focus as we try to basically jumpstart our chi so we feel better thru the day. At times it takes forever to be able to do that and feel balanced. Even after we do that, many days we still feel empty.

We can't afford to go to a therapist right now. This means making do with other sources in the meantime. It also means trying to deal with emptiness and feeling abandoned.

How do you cope with this? Does this still paralyze you at times?

Screen Everything

Today, lots of errands, job hunting, and trying to stay cool. As we write this, it's about 85F. After we're done, good time for a cold shower.

As for other stuff, we still fight symptoms all day long. 99% of regular TV isn't safe to watch. We still screen everything. We still fight to get anger out and try to not black out. Do you feel like you're this close to snapping?

There's anger and frustration. We feel paralyzed and don't know what to do.

Do you still have nightmares?

How Do You Cope?

Time for some quiet after a long day. Fighting flashbacks, body memory and trying not to snap. We feel like we're about five steps ahead of everyone else. What will be said, the responses and the results after that.

You fight symptoms all day and then can barely move at night. You can't just sit back and do nothing, because that doesn't work. What else can you do?

The emptiness and feeling abandonded is still there. Does it ever go away?

How Much Can You Handle?

Sorry to be away for a while. It's been everything from finishing with the therapist to job leads and more.

Also, symptoms. Despair one minute, then anger. We still scream and fight to not snap or black out. Deal with that, and everything else in your day. How do you cope with that?

We're renewing the apt. lease, which means we're not homeless for a third time. We also try to keep in  mind that we have no control over what others say and do.

Do you still have sick lucid dreams? We do, and have to fight our way out of them.

Why do we still have this stuff? Because it's trapped trauma coming out. We can't afford to go to a new local therapist. One lead might work out. We see what happens.

In the meantime, we still screen everything. Do you have the feeling that you're about four steps ahead of the world? It's like anything you look at/read/listen to you know everything that will happen, and what all the responses will be. Why bother dealing with any of it?

We just want some sense of balance.

This is Healing

We're at home tonight. Lots to do before another week of jobhunting.

There's also lots of emptiness. Made a discovery that might help with some sense of balance. Everybody has their good and bad side. Maybe unintentionally for a long time we've been suppressing our bad side? We're not homicidal, racist, homophobic or wanting to attack everyone we see. Yet that anger is there. At times it feels like we're THIS CLOSE to snapping. You want to scream in a crowded place, but you don't. How do you deal with this and get out of there safely? It feels like we're being bombarded with sick twisted thoughts. Is it just one of my multiples, or just my bad side? I'm not sure.

There's anger and despair. A feeling of being abandoned and many not giving a shit about it. Just shut up and go away. You also need to get help. Just don't be around me. Do you have this at times from others?

Is anyone ever going to give us any reassuring contact at all?

We have no tolerance for stimulants. The tiniest amount means depression and other symptoms. How do you get around that in your diet? Any acidic drinks make us sick.

There are all signs of healing?

We're just trying to move ahead in the most positive way we can.

A Sense of Balance

Happy long holiday weekend (if you have it). If not, don't blame me.

Nice, sunny, and symptoms are still there. We still have to shock ourselves awake in the morning. If the sugar level is low, drinking some glucose sometimes helps to balance your system. However, we still have to fight to focus.

Other health stuff? Our tolerance for caffeine is gone. A tiny amount sets off depression, dissociating and other problems. We're going with our system is still healing after massive junk food abuse. Flashbacks and physical pain still happen. You pull up to some intersection and look around. Is everyone else a psycho rapist that wants to kill you? If necessary we still take a weapon hidden in our bag, just to feel safe.

You can't beat understanding of trauma into others. On the other hand, do you think we like pain and humiliation? Endless body pain and flashbacks? Feeling like you have to fight 24 hours a day to not black out? How about almost feeling like you have to cure yourself because no one else can be bothered to pay attention?

We just want a sense of balance.

A Very Angry and Violent Past Few Days

The last couple of days have been really tough. Lots of violent anger lashing out, along with flashbacks and other symptoms. We feel like we're THIS CLOSE at times to snapping. Attack the first person that gets in our way.

We're not psycotic
We're not homicidal
We have no desire to go around attacking people and then doing jail time

Why then do we still have all of this? One reason is because it's backed up and has to come out. We have better things to do than to have sick, twisted flashbacks all the time. On the other hand, we still have to have an escape plan in crowded places. If hypervigilance is a problem, how do we deal with it?

We just want a sense of balance.

It's Really Draining

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Had to get a new cell phone, and it's way cooler than the previous one. Now I can synch more automatically, which leaves more time for other stuff.

We're really struggling with maintaining our balance. Is it more changes in the diet, or something else?
Our tolerance for stimulants is still almost non-existant. When anger flashes happen, we feel like we're bouncing off the walls trying not to black out. You have to fight back, and you feel exhausted by the end of the day.

This week we finish with the current therapist. No new place to go yet. Part of the frustration at times is feeling like we almost have to cure ourselves. Will we always have symptoms hanging over us?

Deep breathe. Try to focus on things around you. Despair is still there. Emptiness at times is debilitating. I don't know what to tell my little kid at times. Despite that, we set boundaries and try to really stick to them.

When anger is really severe we feel like we're going to black out. Does this still happen to you?

Fighting to Get It Out

It's a mix of good and bad? Finally it feels like there are moments of some clarity. The other side is a lot of emptiness. You'er here and you know you have things to do. However, you feel totally empty.

Is it depression?

Is it your multiples re-intergrating?

Or, is it something else?

At times we feel paralyzed. We can barely go from the desk to the kitchen. How do we go from the front door to the car? The anger is still there. We feel like were going to snap. We feel like we're going to bounce off the walls. Deep breathing and other centering doesn't always work.

What do you do then?

We're really exhausted.

How has your week been? I was busy with job leads, appointments and other stuff. Now, time to catch up.

Symptoms are still there. However, one key that we're using is the connection between body chemistry and PTSD symptoms.

NOTE: Odds are you won't hear this from the corporate MSM, AMA or anyone else with a vested interest in making money off treating trauma survivors. However, this is something based on experience that we think is helpful. If you use any of this, we're not liable for anything that happens after that. This is just information that's helped us.

If you ph balance is acidic and not alkaline, this will make you more stressed out. If you have backed up trauma energy, this will magnify it and lead to worse symptoms.

What should you do?

Stay away from lots of acidic foods and drinks as much as possible (stuff with sugar, caffeine and other junk). Stimulants will raise your cortisol (stress hormone) level.
Try drinking lots of water with lemon juice added. Lemons are alkaline and a nice balance to the acidic stuff.

Are we saying never pig out and have fun? No. Just be aware of the effects of things on your system. We've NEVER heard anybody talk about this. We've also never seen any studies on this. Why? Who knows. So we decided to put out our own information.

A segment at a time as well. We're trying to have as many options as possible . Especially if it means having to move again to stop borrowing money. Yes it sucks to potentially be homeless again. On the other hand, we don't want to be a debt slave forever. This means lots of calls tomorrow to find another place, just in case.

Please link this everywhere you can (legitimate links only. Thanks).

No On Else Will Do It for You

Almost done for the night. First, a few thoughts.

We're still fighting hard to not dissociate. Imagine for a long time non-stop horrible dissociating. How do you fight that when you can't go to a regular therapist, and it feels like no one will help? You fight, you cry and you try to not black out. Emptiness is still there. It's like you're not sure what to do.

Can you trust anyone? We try to. However, it still means setting boundaries. At times it still means taking a weapon with you in your bag just in case. Because you have to fight back.

Do you have to fight to not get stuck in lucid dreams? We do.

Another part of this is trusting your intuition. We're not always right. However, our percentage is much better.

There's anger and frustration. We're not sure what to do. How do you go from your couch to the kitchen? How do you go from your front door to your car? On the other hand, you have to get it out in the most non-threatening way possible.

Protect yourself at all costs.

A Slightly Cloudy Monday

Lots of things to do and places to go to. A little cloudy, but nice. Why then do we feel so empty?

On an intuition level, this is facing up as best you can to how horrible trauma has been. I'm not a professional patient and have no masochistic streak. However, I do believe in trying to face stuff head on in the most non-threatening way possible.

Back to the job leads.

Set Boundaries

Time to catch up here and then out for lots of errands. Had a new job interview yesterday that went well. Dropped off a resume at another, and that means another interview next week. We feel like our visualization (we need jobs working in happy places that can pay our bills) is working. Call it whatever you want. We think of it as being proactive.

That doesn't mean however that symptoms aren't still there. Flashbacks happen, and lately when they do they're pretty severe. It's a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness and wondering, does anybody listen or care? Do you ever feel like you have to do everything yourself? Yes, you are responsible for what you say, do and your health. However, at times it's like do you have to take the x rays, do the examinations AND the surgery on yourself as well?

As far as triggering stuff, protect yourself at all costs. Unless it's for work, ask yourself do I really have to look at this? If you don't, choose to go the other direction and see what happens. You could actually save time, money and possibly your peace of mind. All at the same time.

Too Tired to Move?

As we cover more bases, we still have to fight to maintain some sense of balance. Triggering stuff is still everywhere. We still take a weapon with us or keep it closeby at home if we think it's necessary.

Another thing to deal with? Debilitating emptiness. Everyone we trust says the same thing. It has to come out. It's not "abnormal". On the other hand, what do you do when it feels like you can't literally go from your couch to your kitchen? We don't want to go back on meds because unless you have to, it's like putting a band aid on the problem. What's the point of that?

Anger still lashes out and we feel like we're going to snap. You have to fight back, though. You can't just sit and do nothing. Now, try and do that AND everything else you have to do. How do you move after a day like that?

Diverting Your Attention

Back to the job leads and more on a sunny day. The emptiness is still there. Despite that, we try to divert our attention in a good way to be able to cope better.

We're still trusting our intuiton about various triggering stuff. It's like you can predict who says what, when, how and what the responses will be. What's the point of watching/reading/listening to it? Save a lot of time and do other things.

Maybe the key idea for the day? Before you save the world, make sure you're safe first. Nobody else will do it for you.

How Do You Do This?

Another rough day with depression and emptiness. Another aspect of this? How do you deal with your bad side as you struggle with keeping a healthy balance?

We all have our bad sides and hopefully don't act all of that out. Basic Psychology tells you that we all have that. Now, if you also have trauma to deal with and it feels like everyone's trying to beat you down, how do you cope with the feeling of I'm gonna kill everyone of you f******g assholes? The pedophiles that raped us will never do jail time. The people that didn't help us will never do time as well. Despite that, how do you keep that balance?

You go into a crowded place, and your bad side is screaming all kinds of sick garbage. You're not psycotic, racist or homicidal. You have no desire to attack anyone. However, you try to maintain some sense of calm.

How do you deal with that and get the anger out that needs to come out?

Create Options

Right now, no noise. No triggering stuff. Just focus on writing.

We've stopped eating some former favorite foods. Why? Because they're too triggering. You feel empty and depressed (not to mention the acidic content which makes depression even worse). Why are we doing this? Think of all the money we'll save.

Other stuff are sources that we used to go to for information. Now, what's the point? We feel like we're three steps ahead (maybe we'll get our own global news show now)? We try to keep in mind that we're not responsible for saving the world. Pick your battles and do what you can. However, your protection comes first.

There's still emptiness and anger as well. Does the slightest amount of stimulants of any kind set off symptoms? Do we really have no tolerance anymore for this? On really bad days you feel like you're literally bouncing off the walls. Now, deal with that AND everything else you have to do in the day.

Do we have to always feel exhausted to finally have some relief from symptoms? Since trauma is trapped energy on a cellular level, is it like being hyperactive? This means no ritalin. Just burn it all off?

We're stuck for what to say next.

(PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT).

We still have to be careful in trying to find and hold onto positive things. Is not knowing where you are trapped energy as well (in various symptoms)? We think we have something. Then, some sick pedophile comes ut and wants to go down on us and then kill us. You have to fight your way out of it. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Otherwise, the pain (body memory, flashbacks and more) is to much to bear.

Another scary part of this is the feeling that nobody's there. You look around for help in literally every direction, and nobody's there. Is anyone going to come? Does anybody care at all? I try to reassure my multiples and little kid that I do.

Do you cry and then feel totally empty? How do you do deal with that?

Trust me. I have no desire to be a professional patient. I've always believed that trying to face this head on in the most non-threatening way possible is the right thing to do. Then again, at times you have those moments where you literally curl up on your couch and can't move.

Please link us legitimately every where you can. No spam links of any kind. We're almost in all 50 states. Now, almost up to 40 countries. Better than Goldman Sachs.

Fighting to Break Thru

We still have to fight to get our anger out at times. It's like you have to push and get it out, and hope that you won't black out in the process. If you do, what happens when you wake up and you have no idea where you are? It's been a long time since that's happened. However, at times we feel like we're going to literally snap in two.

You try deep breathing and all the other grounding techniques that we all know. Despite that, you still scream and fight to not fall apart. All of the sources that we trust say this isn't "abnormal". It's backed up trauma that has to come out. Then, you try to just keep your balance as best you can.

You try to go to sleep at night, and the fear at times is still there. Every sound is magnified. The knife is at the foot of the bed just in case. At times we still don't feel safe around some people that we know.

How do you cope with this? We just try to keep balance in mind. Not perfection. Just balance.

Be Very Cautious

Screen everything. There's lots of triggering stuff that you need to stay clear of.

Had another job interview today with a world famous firm that would kill to have the global publicity this blog could give them. Not today. Went well and we might get a second one. We'll see. In the meantime, cover all bases and create as many opportunities as possible.

As far as symptoms go, they're still there. Despite cutting way back to almost no refined sugar, dissociating is still there. Not the normal daydreaming type. But at times you have to fight to focus. Is that still second nature, or something else?

Cover your tracks as you post online. The tools are there. You just have to know where to look.

Covering a Lot

Almost done for the night. Today, lots of job leads to check and online applications. Still no sign of the personal assistant. Does that joke ever get old? In this economy, it's okay.

We feel like we really have to pay attention to our body chemistry. Stimulants mean lots of anger, dissociating and other symptoms. Be very aware of the effects of things on you.

We're also doing lots of visualizing. Call it whatever you want, but the idea is the same. Then, pay attention to your intuition. At times, we can't explain links as they happen. Are they all coincidences? We don't know. However, they're there.

Now, time for our meditation.

Listen to Your Intuition

Just finished dinner after shopping and literally not being able to find anything without sugar. Our definition of sugar: 1 gram equals 3 small packets of sugar. Legally here in the States, you can say on your product this is "sugar free". Yet, look on the other side of the labeling and it says 2 grams. What exactly then is "sugar"?

On an intuiton level, we're staying away from all junk as much as possible (in every sense of the word). Had a new interview today, and hopefully more in the next week.

As it happens.

Possibly Some New Balance?

It's a mix of stuff. Emptiness, despair. Also, at times more of a sense of balance.

Is it more re-intergration? We're not sure. However, we're covering as many bases as possible. The current therapist is helping. Tomorrow, another interview. Maybe two in the same day. We'll see.

Trying to Maintain A Balance

Another sunny and nice day (brought to you by global warming?). Just go out and enjoy it.

Depression is hard to handle right now. We're still juggling a lot of stuff (find the new work, cover all the bills, start o pay people back, go back to therapy and other things as well). You do what you have to to survive. Having said that, we're trying to keep a positive focus as best we can. Set boundaries and politely but firmly stand up for yourself when necessary.

The despair is still there at times. We just want to be able to go back to fulltime therapy and not have PTSD symptoms hanging over us forever. Is that too much to ask?

More Emptiness

Lots of places to go and things to do. But also, lots of emptiness as well. Just try to stay focused.

Lots of Bases to Cover

A rough weekend in trying to deal with lots of anger and a long history of abuse. You fight to maintain some sense of balance and deal with trauma as best you can. Meanwhile, it feels like almost everywhere you turn, it's just abuse.

Now, it's find work but also protect your mental health as well. We'll see what happens.

Sunny Yet Empty

It's a sunny day. Yet, we feel really empty. Flashbacks to violent scenes and abuse come out of nowhere. You feel like you need to get help in a crisis situation. You try to reach someone, at times you're essentially told, you deal with it. Why?

We don't have the funding to help everyone. Therefore, we can't talk to anyone outside of this area.
You have five minutes to explain your situation.
Your name and number are in a database to protect us from phone harassment. This is a serious crime. If you do this again, we'll report you to the police and you'll be prosecuted.
If you've been raped by someone, find out who it is, deal with it and move on.

All of these are real life examples that have happened to us.

For any mental health people who might be reading this, we're not saying all of you are evil and horrible. Not at all. We're just saying that maybe you should keep a few things in mind.

First, unless they work in the mental health field (or a non-profit), people who call you feel that they have a legitimate need for help. They don't know all of the daily politics that happen as you try to get and maintain funding from the govt. and other donors. They don't know all of the procedures that you use to evaluate, prioritize and then deal with calls.

Having said all that, there's no excuse for any of that. These people didn't ask to be abused, assaulted or God knows what else. Does it really help someone to say you figure it out and move on? How would you feel if you were raped and someone told that to you?

These people aren't calling you for therapy. If you're a therapist talking to people, they're not trying to rip you off for free therapy. They feel they need help. It's very disappointing when you get this reaction of  you don't count. Do you know how many people we have to talk to? Is this person calling again? If that's how you really feel, then maybe you should find another place to volunteer or another line of work?

The next time someone calls you, try to show a little patience and read between the lines. That is why you're there.

Fighting Depression

Another tough day of big bills and more. We're getting thru those. The parents say they're still willing to temporarily help with expenses as I get the new jobs. However, there's a struggle to maintain a sense of balance and not literally snap from anger and frustration. For much of the day we're screaming and fighting to keep a sense of balance. Flashbacks and other symptoms still happen.

Depression is still there as well. We'll NEVER go back on meds unless we have to. The last time we did that we ended up with two addictions, got no help for either one and then ended up doing our own 30-day withdrawl program. Would YOU want to go thu that? The last anti-depressant we were on made us feel like a zombie. The anger and symptoms are there. Despite that, just stay sedated? No thanks.

The full despair of trauma is hitting us hard. You have to face it as best you can. In the meantimes, my multiples, little kid and I rock back and forth and sometimes go out on the balcony to check the view.

It's not "abnormal". It's all part of healing.

Lots of Ups and Downs

Later today, a new session with the therapist. In the meantime, more applications and query emails and phone calls.

Depression is still there. However, we're just trying to keep in mind that it's not "abnormal" (whatever that means). It has to come out.

Latenight Thoughts

Staying up for a while to catch up on some writing. How's Monday looking in your part of the world?

We're really trying to maintain a sense of balance. Symptoms still happen all across the board, and are extremely exhausting to deal with. On the other hand, I've never had one mental health source that I trust say don't. At the moment, I can't afford to go to regular therapy. I am going to a temporary one (better than nothing). I'm doing all the holistic stuff I need to do to try and maintain my sense of balance. Yet, at the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

One key to keep in mind? Unless you're someone's boss, you have no control over what they say or do. No one's forcing them to say horrible things about trauma that's not your fault. Therefore, they have to live with the consequences. Not you.

You have to fight that endless "you suck and other garbage" loop that a lot of trauma survivors get. Imagine fighting that every day. You can't sit back and do nothing because if you do, you'll fall apart. On top of that, almost no one will listen to you or take you seriously when you try to get help for PTSD.

We still have to fight to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's like a barrier that you have to fight to break thru to get anger out and then have some temporary sense of relief. Then, it starts all over again. Do that all day and everything else you have to do.

Nobody's going to give you any reassuring contact at all. Why? Are they afraid that they'll get raped if they touch you? Are you their worst nightmare and they just want you to shut up and go away?  Or, is it something else?

If we're a vet, instantly we can get help in at least a dozen places. Since we're not, many say we don't know what to do with you. Please go away.

It's not your fault. You didn't ask to feel like you're fighting endless torture to have some sense of balance. Yet, this reaction.

Do all trauma survivors have to go thru this?

Fighting to Get It All Out

Still overcast and some rain today. If you're at a sunny beach, we don't wanna hear it.

It's still exhausting to try and fight past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism to get anger and other stuff out. We can't just sit back and do nothing and then fall apart. It takes a lot of trying to stay focused and to hold onto something solid in the space you're in.

The other rough thing right now? Trying to deal with the full reality of how horrible trauma has been in our case. Also, how aside from one therapist (and a crisis line person when necessary), nobody else in person ever helped. Nobody. Which means it's tough at times to trust almost anybody.

How do we get past that? We don't know.

The Tests are All Okay

Just finished a nice lunch after getting some medical tests done. Today, glucose and cholesterol. The good news? I'm perfectly normal. At first I thought that long term stress from battling symptoms might cause you to slip into Type 2 diabetes or some other condition. However, that's not the case.

That doesn't mean that symptoms still aren't there. Lately, violent flashbacks that can literally paralyze you out of fear. It's like you don't know what's real and what isn't. It takes a huge amount of energy to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. Then, do everything else you have to in the day.

We still have bad days with a sense of abandonment. I'm just trying to  reassure my multiples and little kid that even if it seems like nobody else cares, I do. Why won't they touch us or acknowledge that we exist? I don't know. Does lack of reassurance long term damage someone? All the "experts" say it's totally subjective. There's no nice and neat catagory to explain this.

However, in our case we have to fight back. If we don't, we feel like we'll fall apart.

Maybe this will help with your trying to deal with your trauma. Keep in mind that you have no control over what others say or do. Also, they have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Nobody forces them to say or do horrible things to you. They choose to do that (for whatever reason). Therefore, just like everybody else (from Obama on down to your mail delivery person), they have to deal with that. Just keep your side of things clean and this will hopefully help you to maintain your balance.

Have a nce day.

Long Term Healing

Feeling really exhausted tonight. At times we barely have enough energy to move. We just want to be able to focus on quiet or just one thing without being bombarded with dissociating.

Did we really damage our system for so long with all the junk food and booze?

We Can't Handle Various Stuff

Listening online to some cool Net radio and catching up on job leads. How's your Tuesday/Wednesday?

When we're shopping, we're really trying to stay away from sugar and caffeine. In many ways, both are drugs because in our case, we used to have serious addictions to them. Now, no caffeine for amost a week, and practically no sugar. Can you live with no sugar at all? If we too much of either one, we have uncontrolled dissociating and other symptoms. One sign of how severe our PTSD was for so long.

Can you sit for one minute and focus on one thing without dissociating? At times we still have problems doing that.

A Breakthrough? (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

It's a mix of good and bad. After years and years of fighting to not fall apart, we finally feel like we have some sense of balance at times. We can actually focus for stretches at a time and not dissciate. This after a really long period of non stop, horrible dissociating and the other PTSD symptoms.

We still have to push really hard to feel like we can get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's still exhausting to try and deal with that and everything else. Despair is still there as well.

Also, anger. Aside from one therapist up until now (excluding the current one), NO ONE else has helped us. Not one person. Imagine fighting daily torture for years and having everyone you turn to say:

It's your fault
You fix it
I have no time or patience for this shit
What the fuck's wrong with you?

On top of that, they could care less what you think.

Can we trust anybody? Some believe that an innocent terrified little kid getting raped by a sick pedophile is "normal sexual experimentation". Many others never say, wait a minute! That's seriously fucked up!

Why not?

They don't care
They're too stupid to know that that's sick
They actually believe that pedophiles aren't so bad. So what's the big fucking deal?

There's anger, fear and frustration. At times, we're not sure of what to do or say. We stay at home so we don't go out and attack everyone we see.

Despite reaching this big breakthrough, most still have this "shut the fuck up and go away" attitude. You need to get help. Just don't act weird around me.

At least you're reading this. Thanks.

Screaming to Focus

A really rough Friday night. We were fighting to focus on what's around us and to not snap. It feels like you fight to get to a point of clarity, and then at times you feel like it's there. On the other hand, despair and other things as well are there.

Then again, it has to come out somehow. We're just really trying to keep a sense of balance.

Friday and Some Focus

It really is Friday. We caught up on our sleep for a change. Now, some focus at times thru the day.

The new therapist says that grief will probably be a lifelong thing. At times, we have days where we feel like we can't do anything. Anger is still there, and we feel like we're going to snap. We still have to set boundaries because nobody else will do it for us.

The other thing is doing stuff in tiny increments. How do we get thru the next fifteen seconds? My multiples have a lot to say right now. As we listen, at times it feels like there's balance. Nobody has a boom box next to you cranked up trying to destroy you with stimulus.

We just want some balance.

We Got thru Withdrawl

A rough night last night, due to too many stimulants. We thought some salsa would be okay. Unfortunately, no. We didn't finally come thru it till about 3 a.m. Today, as much as possible, no stimulants. Can you get thru a day with no sugar at all in your diet? It seems like anything above 2 grams (6 packets of sugar) is out.

We also connected with the new therapist. Another session is tomorrow, and more looking at trying to maintain some sense of balance.

Have a good day.

Supplements and More

How's your week so far? We caught up on some online research about how to cope better with trauma as trapped energy in your body. One answer? COQ10 and carnitine. These promote better cell function on a basic level. Better functioning means you're able to cope better with various symptoms. Now, how come all of the various "experts with years of experience in PTSD and trauma" that we've gone thru up till now never mentioned these?

Still breaking things down into tiny segments. We still have crippling despair at times. However, we'll stick with setting boundaries and other holistic ways to cope.

At times though, violent flashbacks still happen. For a split second nobody will help you. Then, you don't know where you are. How do you cope with that?

Staying in Tonight

Another day of the full range of symptoms. Now, still no caffeine and as little sugar and salt as possible. Physical pain and adrenalin surges are still there. This means lots of water and trying to stay as healthy as possible.

Flashbacks and sadness are still there as well. The fear of nobody seeming to ever care is there and hard to handle. You try to face it as best you can. However, at times you don't know what to do. You turn everything off and just sit or lie down and try to get thru the next ten seconds.

What do you do then?

Anger, Fear, Emptiness and More

We decided to take a break today because we couldn't focus. There was pain all over, body memory and horrible flashbacks. The slightest amount of caffeine sets it all off. This means turning everything off and just focusing on quiet and how you feel.

At times we can't go out. Not because of agoraphobia. But because of pain and adrenalin surges. We look out the window and there's lots of emptiness. We're not sure of what to say or do. Then, just when we think we have some balance flashbacks and anger come out. We have to literally hold onto something solid while we violently shake and try to focus and have some sense of balance again. Once we reach that, then we go out to the car. Now, how do we focus while we drive? If we have hyperawareness in a crowded place, what's our escape plan? At times it feels like we're in a war zone. Everything has to be checked out. The person looking at us. What are they really thinking and doing? The homeless person walking down between cars. Are they armed? Will they attack us? Where's our weapon if they do?

There's paralyzing emptiness. Almost no one seems to care. In another sense, it's like we can predict what many will say and do, based on past experience. Then, where do we go?

Only one person has ever given us a reassuring hug and actually meant it when they said, I'm sorry you were raped.

Flashbacks happen and we have to fight to remember where we are. You scream and fight to not feel stuck. It's takes a huge amount of energy to focus and then move. Now, multiply that by fifty times a day, along with everything else you have to do.

Where we live, there's no support group for guy survivors. Why? Who knows. Some support sites have pedophile administrators. Despite providing evidence, in many cases the Powers that Be refuse to do anything.

If you're legitimately seeking help and have this to deal with, can you trust anybody?

Some say stop this weird ass symptom shit and go get help. Just don't do it around me.

Do you feel denied any justice at all? We do.

Emptiness and Balance

Lots to do online tonight. Tomorrow, more in-person job contacts hopefully. The trick? How to time it right to get in to see the manager without pissing them off in this lousy economy.

Emptiness at times is really crippling. We feel like literally no one wants anything to do with us. Are they then going to turn around and attack us? Is everybody a threat? Do we have to fight everyone?
At times we still carry a concealed knife with us for protection. We feel like we have to because weird stuff comes out of nowhere.

Does anyone want to talk to us? Or, do they really just want us to go away? We really try to operate off of facts and not just rumors. However, at times you get the feeling that many can't be bothered. You freak them out, they're too busy. Or, maybe what they really want to say: you're their worst nightmare. So please just shut up and go away.

How's this for a scenario? Some of the Powers that Be say that torture is perfectly okay, and make millions doing that. Meanwhile, I'm told that that the statute of limitations on my torture have run out. I also can't get any victim compensation of any kind.

What do I do now? Just shut up and go away?

If I'm a vet with PTSD, I'm told there are dozens of places to get help. If I'm not, we don't know what to do with you.

Where do I go?

Like all trauma survivors, I don't want to have PTSD hanging over me forever. I also know that there are lots of tools that can be used. Aversion therapy. Writing down all your feelings at your rapist and then burning it and saying I'm done with you. That's nice stuff. The problem is I can't do all of that by myself. I need someone else's help.

Then again, if you feel like no one has time, what do you do?

Job Leads and More

Lots of job leads today, along with trying to back up and sell some material. These days, does anybody NOT need extra money?

Flashbacks still happen. We have to fight to focus and get our balance back. Still no tolerance for caffeine. The smallest amount sets off adrenalin surges and other symptoms. Maybe we can get a discount on bottled water in bulk?

Other than that, emptiness is still there. At times, we feel like a shell taking up space. Then again, you can't quit. You have to keep going.

A Rough Day

Lots of depression today. We have things to do, but everything feels empty. Hope your day is better.

Do You Have to Scream to be Heard?

Listening to some Net radio clips as we catch up on this and other stuff. Earlier today, horrible dissociating and screaming to not black out from symptoms. Now, we're too tired to go out.

We can't watch regular TV anymore. Radio only in small segments. Everything else has to be screened. We have to fight to focus and wake up in the morning. We're also hypoglycemic (a common thing for trauma survivors). This means try to keep your blood sugar even which will possibly make waking up easier to do.

Body pain is still there. Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. We risk backing out at times before we feel like we can get anger out. Then, it starts again. Now, do this all day long and everything else that you have to do.

Flashbacks still happen, and we have to fight to focus so we don't lose track of where we are. Not always, but at times we ask, is anyone paying attention? Despair and feeling like no one wants to have any physical contact with us still happen. We know it's not our fault. Then, how come one person has actually given us a reassuring hug in all of this time? We know we can't control what others say or do (unless you're their boss). Yet, being a normal human being and a trauma survivor, you have concerns.

At times, we turn things off and just sit and look out the window. We go for a walk or sit on our balcony. We won't jump off or hurt ourselves in any way. Despite that, the despair is still there. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy. Is one of my multiples lashing out? No. It feels like trauma overall is coming out. Which means that it is that severe.

At night,we're scared to go to sleep. We have problems sleeping on our side because the psycho pedophile is there. The body memory is there.We have to turn over and physically touch that side of the bed and check under the sheets to make sure that no one's there. Does this ever go away? Aversion therapy is out of the question.

Almost everything feels like a threat. We don't go around attacking people. We don't want to go on a rampage. Yet, on bad days you feel like everything has to be planned out when you go out. Will we snap? How do we escape if we have to? Where do we go?

The pressure at times feels like you're going to disappear. You try lots of grounding techniques, and sometimes they don't work. Now what do you do? You can't just roll over and do nothing. You can't just sit back and go with your feelings, because that doesn't work.

What do you do?

Screen Everything

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of balance. Despair is still there and at times crippling. Emptiness is still there and we take lots of breaks. Curl up on the couch and we don't know what to do.

However, it's trauma that has to come out.

It's a High Stress Day

As you read this, it's somewhere between 7 p.m. Sat. night and 1 p.m. Sunday afternoon. How's your part of the world?

Here, it's a very high stress period. Regular TV and radio are out of the question. Online, everything has to be screened. If we go out someplace, we try to have an escape plan (in case PTSD symptoms are really bad). It literally feels like you can't turn anywhere without getting bombarded with triggering stuff.

We're really working to have as many options as possible. Just in case the new job(s) aren't here, where do we go next? Have as many as possible and then make choices.

Day 2 now of almost no sugar. Some holistic doctors say that sugar can actually damage your system on a cellular level. This in turn messes up your liver and can then make you suseptible to a wide range of conditions (everything from cancer to dementia and more). Staying off it is helping some. However, how come NONE of the various "health experts" we went to for a long time to try and get help never told us about this?

Despair at times is still there. Feeling abandoned is also still there. Does this ever go away?

An Overview of Trauma

Back home for the night, and our snack is some peanut butter and decaf tea. We went to a store, and literally almost all the processed stuff had either too much sugar, salt or caffeine in it. What then is the point of going there? Despite that, we managed to find a few good things.

Since this is a global trauma blog (or should we say THE global trauma blog?), and there's more talk globally about stress and health, let's try to take an overview on this and see what happens. We might have to break our "never talk about politics" rule to do it. We'll see.

The amount of global stress is going up, due to a growing list of triggering causes. The Powers that Be are choosing to ignore or as usual, manipulate these for the maximum profit possible. This means that yes, there is a income gap and it's getting bigger. As a result, more trauma's happening and more aren't either being heard, getting the help they need, or both.

Trauma is trapped energy in various parts of your body. If you use stimulants, you're making that worse. SInce your mind and body are one thing, if you deal with the trauma, you rebalance your system. Then, possibly cut down or stop using any drugs you might be doing to try and cope with the pain.

A key point. Many addicts say that when they use they feel like an actual human being who's loved. Some might say, how could you feel loved if you're in a shooting gallery or a crack den? That's sad, but that's not the point. The point is feeling some sense of balance.

Some say that trauma survivors have messed up brain chemistry, due in many cases to high stress hormone levels and not enough dopamine. They didn't ask to be traumatized. Yet, in many cases nobody pays attention.

That being said, what do you expect many of these people to do? Just sit back and buy the "life sucks. So deal with it and shut up" response? Human emotions aren't a light switch that you can instantly turn on and off. Yes, it might make someone else's life more convenient in some ways. However, look at it from the trauma survivor's perspective.

Nobody asks to be traumatized. Nobody asks for pain, humiliation and feeling like there's no hope. Nobody asks to always have the fear of, is anybody ever going to give me any reassuring human contact of any kind? Does lack of that permenantly damage you in some way? It's a subjective question, but a common question.

We still have problems with getting anger out. We still have to fight and focus so we don't literally snap in two or black out. On the other hand, just sitting back and going with your feelings doesn't work.

What's the solution? One is to maintain a healthy balance. Not Zen bliss, but a healthy balance. One reason is because the current society most of us live in says weakness isn't tolerated. If you can't keep up, that's YOUR problem, not mine. If that's not true, then please explain to me why I seee a growing number of homeless people every day as I drive around. Are you telling me in some way they get off on pain, humiliation and having no human diginity at all? If you're seriously suggesting that they do in some way, sorry, but frankly that's sick.

Hope this helps to add some clarity to what many trauma survivors are dealing with. Back to the tea.

What's for Lunch?

Today, lots of stuff to cover. We're starting to get job callbacks. One says thanks, but we think you're overqualified. The good news is that someone's paying attention. Onto other leads.

Dissociating is still painful. You feel like you have to scream to stay focused on one thing. If not, you don't know where you are. Regular TV is out of the question. Everything else online has to be screened. If we go out we have to have an escape plan, just in case. We still carry a weapon with us at times because we feel safer. A gun is just too expensive and not a good idea. As long as we don't set off any alarms or draw attention to ourselves, it's okay.

At times there's lots of anger because of a long time of 24/7 horrible dissociating. Imagine literally having to fight to focus and feel awake. Then, take lots of meds all day long to look cool and calm on the outside. You literally can't focus for 30 seconds without being bombarded with flashbacks, lucid dreams and other noise. Now, at times it feels like dual realities. However, we know we're not psycotic. We don't have any other mental problem. It's a matter of keeping a healthy balance.

We won't go off on a rampage and kill everybody that's treated us like shit. The thought is there. But we won't act on it.

On the other hand, despair and emptiness are still there. On bad days we turn everything off and can barely get thru fifteen seconds. We still have to fight to get thru flashbacks and stay grounded. All of our sources that we trust all say it's backed up trauma that has to come out.

NOTE: The latest check shows that our global audience is picking up. Thanks for that, and unless it hurts your healing in some way please spread this everywhere you can. One trick if posting links in comments is how you say it (versus just an obvious link). If you word your comment the right way, that site's content police will usually let it stay up.

Your Title Here

Time to stay in and focus on lots of applications and query letters.
The right p/h balance seems to be one key to try and deal with symptoms. However, they're still there. In the morning, we still have to lie down and focus to try and feel awake. By the end of the day of fighting symptoms, we can barely move. Which then means trying to fight the urge for lots of caffeine and sugar.

We know being raped isn't our fault. Despite that, at times it's really hard to find something positive. If you do, instantly you feel like you're getting assaulted by the psycho pedophiles and all the rest of them.

At times, we don't know what to do. You cry all day long and feel totally empty. Also, you have to screen everything to make sure it's not triggering. We still have flashbacks to literally turning away to silently scream because if others can hear you, somehow that's disturbing to them. I know that makes no sense at all. But for a long time there was that "weakness isn't tolerated" warped thinking. It's still there for the others in the "immediate family". I'm biologically related to them. We lived in the same house for a time. But that's it. I literally have no other connection at all to them.

The emptiness and need to fight are still there. We just try to keep in mind that it's not our fault. We're not abnormal in any way. All of these symptoms, pain and frustration are backed up unfaced trauma that needs to come out.

If it doesn't threaten you in any way, please link this blog everywhere you can. Also, please, no spam links. If you wanna make money, go someplace else.

Do Any of These Apply to You?

Everything feels magnified. Lots of our sources say this is trauma coming out. Do any of these apply to you at at your stage of healing?

Severe paranoia
Paralyzing fear
Dissociating
Adrenalin surges
Physical pain in various parts of your body
Horrible lucid dreams
Hyperawareness
Is it safe to go out of my house?
Is the person next to me/behind me/etc. a threat?
Not actually doing it. But wanting to go on a rampage and kill every single ____ that laughed at us and thought getting raped was funny.
Does anyone know or care that we exist?
Debilitating anger to the point we fight to not black out
Feeling like literally almost everything/everyone is a trigger
If fear makes us feel like a zombie, will meds make that even worse?
Can we ever let our guard down?
Do people that you know seem like a threat?
Do you scream all day long and try to look cool and calm to the outside world?
Are you scared to go to sleep at night?
Do you keep a weapon next to you even though there's no one else in the room?
Are you scared to sleep on your side at night because the psycho pedophile feels like they're there (even though they're not)?

At times we can barely move because we're so worn out from fighting to not black out. We feel like we're screaming all day long. Is anyone listening?

It feels like pressure that's trying to push you down. It feels like it's hard to breathe. We have no heart problems or other stuff that we know of. Yet that pressure is still there. Our sources keep saying, this is terrifying yet perfectly normal. It has to come out.

Some nights we literally curl up on our sofa and struggle to get thru one minute. Everything feels empty. We're here, but now what?

Regardless  of where you are in your healing, keep in mind that this is not abnormal in any way. It does have to come out.

Thanks for the support. Please spread this to everyone you can that it might help. It's free and will stay free. But also, mutually anonymous. We have several safeguards built into this blog for our protection. So no worries there.

Time to stretch.

The Effects of Stuff on You

Time to catch up on a lot of online writing and job hunting. Last night was rough with horrible symptoms. We didn't get to sleep until about 3 a.m. Today though we're focusing on balance.

It's backed up trauma that has to come out. This means be aware of the effects of various things on you. Protect yourself and set boundaries where necessary. Because nobody else will do it for you.

Have a nice day.

The First Session

Finally went to see the new therapist. So far, we think it will help. The main thing? Just having some unconditional support.

While the other stuff is still there, we're still sticking to our holistic routine. Another part of it is covering bases.

Unless it endangers you in some way, please tell everyone you can about this blog. We have no publicist, assistant or anyone else. Which means it's content and word-of-mouth. Totally free and no ads.

Yes, there really is one thing that's free on the Net.

Turn the Sound Down

A really rough start today. Screaming and fighting hard to not black out. Lots of grounding ideas didn't help to stop horrible dissociating. Now, we're writing and watching the Super Bowl (we're saying Giants by 7) with the sound turned down.

Why down? Because everything has to be screened. The slightest triggering thing that comes out of nowhere can literally set off dissociating for weeks at a time. We're being careful with out diet. We're doing lots of other healthy holistic things. Yet, at times we still have horrible symptoms. It's exhausting and at times we seriously ask, are we crazy?

In some ways it feels like a really long time of endless torture. Nobody listens and nobody cares that you got raped and are fighting to survive. Instead, they get off on treating you like shit and laughing about it. This leads to lots of questions:

Do you care if we're here?
If we're gone, would it bother you?
How can you say I care about you and fuck off all at the same time? It doesn't work like that.
How can someone seriously say that pedophiles raping the shit out of innocent little kids is "perfectly normal experimentation"?
Is anybody paying attention?

Now, if you feel like 99% of the world treats you like this, what else can you do but fight back? Either you fight back or you fall apart and literally die.

All we want is to literally be able to have 30 seconds of quiet and not get bombarded with endless dissociating loops and other symptoms.

Will anybody ever give us any reassuring contact of any kind?

It's Not Our Fault

We're trying to focus and deal with a feeling of emptiness. Flashbacks of abuse and being raped still happen. Almost everywhere you turn, nobody listens or cares. People laugh in your face and treat you like shit.

You don't want to off yourself and give them the satisfaction. Instead, set boundaries and protect yourself.

We still scream and fight to focus and not dissociate. There's a connection between a too acidic system and horrible symptoms. If you're not careful, it feels like you're being beaten down. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

We've been homeless twice. Now, we'll break our no-politics rule for a second and ask a question. Should there be a national law that gurantees everyone a home?

Detoxifying and More

Trying to stay off caffeine and sugar as much as possible. It now feels like more despair is coming out. There's anger and really feeling abandoned. Plus, you have to fight to maintain  your balance. At the end of the day we can barely move.

Next week we'll go see the new short-term therapist. Can she deal with PTSD symptoms? We'll see.

Some Sense of Focus

Finally, a sense of some calm. Earlier today it's been fighting symptoms, anger, frustration and more. You fight and fight to get out of that dissociating. Then, just when you feel like you'll black out, you feel empty.

We still feel empty as we write this. We still fee abandoned. On the other hand, we'll stay in tonight and cover lots of job leads.

We don't know what else to do.

Trying to Focus

Lots of emptiness today as we try to focus. We're still screening everything to protect ourselves from triggering stuff as much as possible. There's lots of anger and frustration at feeling abandoned by about 99./9% of those we turned to try and get help for something that's not our fault. If you feel like everybody's trying to beat you down you have to fight back to maintain your balance.

Right now, that's what we want. To maintain our balance.

Emptiness is Still There

Right now, lots of despair. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy to do. Split second flashbacks still happen. We still have to fight lucid dreams.

What else? Hypocracy seems to be everywhere. This means changing things and people around to protect yourself.  In one sense, this can save you lots of time and money which allows you more time and money to do other stuff. On the other hand, we still scream and have violent tremors as we fight to not black out.

If we did black out, would we come back? Or, would one of my multiples take over?

We try to focus on other stuff to try and maintain some sense of balance. Despite that, crippling despair is still there.

Today's FAQ's

It is Monday. Unless you're roughly east of Shanghai, which means it's Tuesday.

Why this silly opening? Because for anyone new here, this is (as far as we know) the only intl. trauma survivor blog written by a guy rape survivor who's not a vet and that's all for free. If you know of another one, send us the link.

In the meantime, this is a mix of holistic content that hopefully will help a wide range of trauma survivors , and not just guy rape survivors. Look thur the links as well to find what helps you. All of the crisis center links are to places that have PTSD trained staff. So that shouldn't be an issue. If you know of others that need to be added, let us know.

Who are we? Because of being raped by two pedophiles, I have 25 multiple personalities and my little kid. This is a perfectly normal way to survive horrible trauma. In my case, it was years of horrible and untreated PTSD symptoms which I'm now trying to face on as best I can.

I'm seeing lots of other sites talking about raising donations. Nothing's for free. Well actually they're wrong. Since the beginning, I've never charged anything for this content. I won't post Ad Sense ads because why make money off of trauma with ads that don't belong here? And I won't change this.

The only things I've ever asked in return are (a) spread this blog to everyone it can help UNLESS it hurts you in some way. (b) Your healing comes first. The urge to save the world is great. However, if you're not good shape first it's really tough to do.

Thanks to word-of-mouth advertising, we now have readers in almost all fifty states and over thirty countries. Think of us as the tiny blog for people that refuse to shut up. All trauma survivors deserve to be heard. If others won't pay attention, we'll build our own network and beat you at your own game.

All we're trying to do is to be heard and maintain a healthy balance. That's a key: you have to get trauma out somehow. If you don't, it will come out in lots of bad ways.

Thanks, and have a nice day.

Trying for some Peace and Quiet

Staying up late tonight with a healthy snack. There's also lots of despair. We try to keep in mind it's truama that has to come out. Protect yourself and try to keep your balance.

Having said that, at times all trauma survivors have concerns. If nobody gives us any reassuring contact in any way, does that damage you long-term? Questions like these come up and are hard to handle.

Adrenalin surges and pain are still there. Tremors are hard to control. You try to stay grounded, but you have to fight to not black out. All of our sources say this has to come out.

We just try to keep in mind it's not our fault.

Emptiness

Covered a lot of stuff today. However, emptiness is still there.

Flashbacks still happen. Despair is paralyzing. You feel like you literally can't move, and what's the point anyway? There's nowhere to turn. Is anyone going to help? No.

We go for a walk. We turn everything off. Then, hold onto solid things to focus on. Despite all that, at times symptoms are still there. Now what?

You try to keep in mind it's not your fault. As you do, split second flashbacks happen of horrible pain of being raped. You scream and fight to not give up and die. Nobody will help you. Does anybody else care?

At other times you feel like you just take up space. Then you literally have to shock yourself back into some sense of balance. If you don't, you feel like you're going to disappear. You don't have a choice.

Keep in mind it's not your fault. Set boundaries and protect yourself at all costs.

Also, keep this in mind. Despite the lousy economy (a nice way of saying "depression"?), we won't charge for this content. In return, we ask one thing. Please spread this to everyone it can help without endangering your healing. In addition, no spam links. We're now read in almost all fifty states, and almost 30 countries. Which means that actual people are reading.

The MSM and much of the alternative won't give us the time of day. Which means we do it with your help. Thanks.

It's All in the Balance (contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Today is Day 1 of as little sugar as possible. Salads seem weird at first without dressing. Can you cope with only lemon juice? We'll see.

We still fight to maintain our balance. When dissociating is severe, it's like we're going to black out UNLESS we get our balanc back. Dissociative blackouts used to happen. When they did, our system basially shorted out because of the stress. Then you come to and have no idea where you are.

Lucid dreams still happen as well. We have to fight back and kill them before they kill us. There's pain in different parts of your body. Anal pain and the tip of your penis. Even though it's a lucid dream, you have to fight back. If you don't, you feel like the world world is beating you into the ground. Then, split second images of stabbing yourself or jumping off some building happen. I'm not a suicidal or violent person. However, I WILL fight to protect myself. Now, imagine having to fight all day every day, and do everything else as well.

How do you do that?

Anger is still there. We stab them before the attack us. We scream and cry and fight to not black out. You don't have a choice. Nobody's going to help you. We know it's not our fault. Why then do we have to fight symptoms all day long?

There's despair and at times flashbacks to where nobody's there and nobody cares. All the sources that we trust say you have to get it out. If not in a good way, it will come out in a bad way.

Trying hard to focus.

How Was/Is Your Day?

How's your time zone? Earlier today we went to a new job fair. A quick one minute interview that went okay. Now, we'll see what happens next.

Dissociating is still hard to deal with. In our case it's a combination of trying to use diet, meditation and more to cope. On bad days though, we don't know where we are. You hold onto solid things and scream as you fight to not black out. You're shaking violently and nothing seems to help.

What do you do then?

One thing that we try to keep in mind. As horrible as it seems at times, we know we're on the right track.

It is Monday

Back to it. We scream and fight to focus. Now it's lots of applications and networking.

We're really trying to stay off sugar as much as possible. Can you go thru one day with no sugar at all? Does this eliminate dissociating? We're not sure.

At the moment, no noise. Just focus on the task at hand.

Now What?

We're at home and covering lots of bases. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy. We feel really empty. We didn't get much sleep last night. Ended up fighting lots of anger, flashbacks and more.

Today, we're here but everything feels empty. We go thru the motions, but what then? Our resumes are rewritten and we can cover lots of applications. It's still a mix of in-person and online.

Symptoms are still there. Lucid dreams are rough to handle. It's fight off the psycho pedophile . Then, adrenalin surges. After that, sick flashbacks. You scream and fight , but no one listens or will help. Split second images of suicide happen. No chance of doing that, though.

It feels like we're getting assaulted every day. Then you can barely move. Can you let your guard down? Or, will you get jumped? We're not asking for perfection. Just a healthy balance.

Breath deeply. It's not real. Nobody else is in the room. Ok, then why do the flashbacks keep happening? Split second terrifying scenes of being raped and no one cares. The sources we trust all say this is normal. It has to come out.

We scream and feel like we're going to snap. If we black out, what then? Will we know where we are?

Hold onto solid things. Then try to stay grounded. Focus on things in the room.

Then what?

Untitled

It's a mix of several things. It feels at times like there's some healing. At others, everything is magnified. We scream and fight to not literally snap as we try to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. Sometimes we don't know where we are. Is this real or is this a dream? Try sitting still for one minute and not having symptoms. No noise. Just focus on peace and quiet.

Focus on solid things in the room. A chain of numbers. Anything instead of emptiness.

I'm not a violent person. I don't want to kill anybody. Despite that, the anger, frustration and hyperawareness are there. Also a feeling of being segregated because of something that's not your fault.

What do we do?

Despair at times is still paralyzing. It takes enormous energy to not fall apart. Then you're too wiped out to do anything else. What other choice do we have?

The Emptiness is Still There

Last night we called a crisis line. We were feeling really empty and abandoned. Everything is triggering and has to be screened. At times we feel like everything is hitting all at once.

Today, it's more of the same. Everyone who we trust say it's trauma coming out. You're not crazy. You're not going to vanish and never come back. The thought is there though. Will I disappear and then my multiples will take over? It's been a long time since that happened. I'm just concerned. What if it happens again?

Fighting my stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really exhausting. You fight and scream so you don't black out. Then there's a temporary sense of relief. Then it starts again. At the end of the day we can barely move. At night, we scared to go to sleep.

There's still pain all over my body. You look for help, and nobody will come. Does anyone care?

You're not a freak. You're not weird.You're not going to kill anybody. However, you just can't sit back and do nothing.

We're still waiting to start temporary therapy. In the meantime, we have our crisis contact list just in case.

Everything has to be screened, because nothing is safe.

What Do We Do Now?

Everything's hitting at once. We're trying to stay balanced. There's paralyzing despair. Symptoms and a billion images all at once. Despair, frustration and more. How do you cope with this?

We fight to get past our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. Finally there's some temporary relief. Then, you fight again. Do that all day and everything else.

Then what?

You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

There's fear at times of dying. Everything feels empty and cold. Is anyone listening or going to care? It's not a death wish in any way. It's a matter of fighting really hard to not disappear.

Deep breathing. Try to focus on positive breathing.

You exist. Yet you feel really empty. What do you do now?

Feel Free to Comment (Contains extremely graphic content posted for a reason. Read at your own risk)

Like lots of survivors, we're trying really hard to face it head on. Don't fall into the trap of screw therapy. All therapists are greedy, evil and worthless. We know that's not true. We also know that we're trying for balance. NOT perfection.

That being said, we need some help. These are some things that we're dealing with. We apologize in advance if this triggers anyone. We never try to intentionally trigger anyone. If this bothers you, stop now. If not, keep going and post any comments that could be helpful. Please, no spam. If you do it, we'll delete it. So don't even bother.

We fight suicidal lucid dreams. You feel like nobody listens and nobody cares. Ok, then there's no point in me being here? We have to fight not stabbing ourselves, feeling the pain and then the terror of wondering, are we alive or not?

We fight the psycho pedophile that wants to go down on us and then kill us. There's physical pain as we get fucked in the ass and want to scream but we can't. Nobody's going to listen, care or help us.

We're afraid to go to sleep. Will we be able to focus on something good? Or, will the psycho pedophile get in the way and say, fuck you. You don't deserve happiness?

If nobody reassures you with a hug or any physical contact, will this permenantly damage you in some way?

Sorry, we can't handle anymore. Thanks for reading.

Trying to Focus (Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Tonight, some TV and catching up on applications and other writing.

Lots of anger and fighting to get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. We scream and feel like we're going to snap. We fight to not black out. At night, we still keep a knife at the foot of our bed. You have to protect yourself, even if it is a lucid dream.

There's still lots of pain and despair. However, we can't just sit back and do nothing. This means lots of breaks and just listening to how you feel. No other noise. Just listen.

At times, there are terrifying lucid dreams. We don't want to off ourselves. There's also despair where you feel like nobody's listening.

We ask, does anyone care?

Do you feel cheated when you try to focus on something good? You think of an ex, and instead the psycho pedophile that raped you shows up instead. You have to fight your way out of lucid dreams. We still carry a knife in our car when we go out. You have to protect yourself. We thought about a gun. However, it's too expensive and odds are higher that you might off yourself with it.

We don't want to eaten alive by anger and frustration. How do you stop from beating the shit out of everyone you see (aside from the threat of jail time)? We try to keep in mind it's trauma coming out. We're not psycotic. It's trauma that needs to come out in a non-threatening way.

Do you feel like anyone listens to you?
Do you feel like anyone cares?
Has anyone ever tried to reassure you that it's not your fault?

We're not trying to torture ourselves in wanting to have something we never will. Instead, we just want a sense of balance.

Thanks for the support. We're now read in almost all 50 states and 35 countries.

Covering Lots of Bases

Stayed up really late last night filling out applications and doing some online research. Then today, just turn everything off and just chill. We're not available to save the world.

Th despair and emptiness are still there. We screen everything and at times just sit and look out the window. It's not to the point of offing ourselves. However, it's there and you can't just set it aside.

We're just trying to keep our balance. We also wonder at times, what effect does no reassurance from literally almost no one have on you?

Happy 2012

A late Happy New Year (is it ever too late to say that?). How was yours? We stayed in, partly due to PTSD symptoms. Some good news was watching fireworks out on the balcony. Then, just kicking back.

We heard today that the potential new therapist won't work out. This crisis center only works with battered women short-term. You can't deal with complex PTSD in two months and get anywhere. Which means keep going with our holistic routine and use our list of sources when necessary.

What's one of the hardest things to deal with? You try everything you can to stay grounded. Yet, on some days it doesn't work. Symptoms are horrible. You can't just give up. You don't want to hurt yourself.

What do you do?

At times we still scream and fight to not black out. Fight this all day long, do everything else and then you're too tired to move. On the other hand, what else can you do? On some days we don't know where we are. What's real and what isn't? You fight to focus and and not black out. This tells us that backed up trauma has really been that severe.

What do you do?